Sunday, December 15, 2019

More on Love

Things are about to get real up in here.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Things are always 'real' over at TCIE. Before there was Facebook (for me, since I refused to sign up during the first couple years of infertility and then finally caved, only to realize I used to be much smarter in my youth, ha), there was This Cross I Embrace - a place where I could post incredibly personal emotions and situations behind the relative cloak of internet anonymity. Things morphed through the years, as more and more of that anonymity was stripped from my blog and merged with my career, and then things completely changed when I lost the "identity" of this blog, altogether.

But, it's still me, y'all. And I've had things to write. Ohhhhhh, have I ever had things to write. I just wasn't sure I wanted any of it "out there".

I figured, what the hey. This is my new cross. Seeking love. The real, sacrificial kind of love. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can give it, and I have. The cross is, finding the one who will sacrifice for me, too.

There was someone. On paper, it appeared to be a beautiful, scripted-by-God, opportunity of healing for two broken families. Being the first person I dated after the declaration of nullity, I thought my prayers had actually been answered in expedient fashion (that should have been my first clue something was bound to go wrong). On, and off, and on, and off again for 18 months... a painful, heart-breaking road to acceptance that the sacrificial love I so longed to give was never going to be given to me. Not by this man.

Then, there was... well, now. I am having all of the familiar feelings - and yet? On paper? This is so not at all anything that would look like it could, or should work. It's almost laughable! (And has been, for those who are in the know.) But the undeniable reality is the growing connection, the honesty, the openness, the communication, and the sharing and ability to allow things to unfold, slowly. It is still oh-so-early, so really, don't take this to the bank or anything... but I could see myself falling completely in love, and loving this man, and him me.

I think a big difference with this one, and this is in comparison to many, many dates I've been on (I try to cast a WIIIIIIIIIIDE net, which should surprise nobody who has read my infertility archives), is that because I had all but "written him off" right at the get-go, I was incredibly real, and vulnerable, without any fear of scaring him off. And he has been with me, too. But there was one problem. The more we talked, the more I was learning about his character... and realizing how loving, and thoughtful, and responsive, and driven he is. And suddenly the "this is fun, and feels nice right now" was turning into more. And I can sense it, and feel it happening for him, too.

This is new territory for me. Not like I fall in love every day, but when I have started the process, I do know I can trust myself and my instincts about a man. (As a reminder, while I gave an immense about of sacrificial love in my civil marriage, I was never "in love" as I believe my mind and body and spirit all knew instinctively that man was not a good egg.) So, I trust myself, again, but am scared of all the potential pitfalls ahead. The things that "on paper" would make this seem like an unlikely pairing. With a long-distance aspect on the near horizon. But my goal, now, is to just take a day at a time, not to project too far into the future, and allow myself to feel what I feel - something I have previously stopped myself from doing, from voicing, for fear of "punishment" or scaring a man away - this time, I'm going in. Slowly, pacing myself, but not guarding my heart. My heart can take it. No matter what happens. I know she's got this :)


Pray for me.

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