Monday, February 20, 2017

Sad and Hopeful

It only just dawned on me that the mix of emotions I go through on a daily basis are so similar to what I experienced through infertility.

A constant swooping in and out of a million various feelings, all under the umbrella of sadness and hope.

I am so very thankful for your prayers, not just for me and my son, but also for my (still) husband. We all need them, very much.

I am working on something that brings me a lot of hope for the future, these days. It is taking so much of my time, energy, and focus, but its potential is limitless. To build this business from the ground up, drawing upon the experience from the cross I showed to the world, is all at once scary and exciting. I will be sure to keep you updated as things progress.

But I do feel sad that my little boy doesn't have me as a "SAHM" - at least, not as I envisioned.
Often, at the end of the day, I feel like I have failed at being both his mother and his father, individually. I pass him off to family for a few hours in the morning, and not accomplish what I thought I would be able to in that short a period of time, or I keep him home and end up not tending to really important and time-sensitive business matters. It is frustrating to feel like a failure all over again, at the end of each day, when I already feel like a Big, Fat, General Failure in life and marriage.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that what I'm doing isn't normal... I mean, working from home on my own start-up business while also having my toddler son home with me for the majority, or the whole day. I work best with a chunk of time, uninterrupted. That simply does not exist, anymore! So, I've been trying to adjust. It is DIFFICULT, and so often I want to give up, until I realize, I don't have that option. Sure, I guess I could just go get a "real job" somewhere, and put Robbie in daycare... but that would feel too much like a punishment to me and for Robbie. (Please don't misinterpret that, if you are a working mom whose children are in daycare. In many ways, I think Robbie would do incredibly well at daycare! The way I mean that sentence has more to do with the circumstances surrounding the divorce and how, through no fault of mine or Robbie's, I watched all of our hopes and dreams quickly, one-by-one, slip away. I'm just unwilling to give up hope that I can somehow, against all odds, make this last one come true - to be here, at home, with Robbie, AND support us both financially.)

What keeps coming to mind, lately, when I have these really rough days (more and more, lately), is a passage from The Consecration to Mary by Louis de Montfort. In the passage, a man throws himself prostrate before the altar of the Lord and says, "Oh, Lord, if only I knew how to persevere!" The Lord answers, "And if you did know? Do now what you would do."

When I hear myself saying out loud "I can't do this!!!" I think of that passage. And I realize, what a good friend told me - I am doing it. Maybe not well, maybe not the way I thought I would be, and maybe not with grace, but I'm surviving, Robbie's surviving, and we get through yet another day, every day.

The struggle will continue to be finding that umbrella of hope above the umbrella of sadness. Because it is just so easy to drown in the sorrow.


Connie said...

Just got caught up on your blog. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through now. I wish I could have some brilliant comment that would make everything better or at least make you smile or encourage you in some way. Just know that I'll be reading and praying and that if there's anything I can do to be of any help, even in the slightest, you know where to reach me.

-Connie :)

Kat said...

Continued prayers. I can not imagine what you are going through but I can imagine what Robbie is going through. When I was in Kindergarten my mom was looking for work that year because her previous company shut down. I have to say it was the best year I can remember spending all that time with my mom even though she was stressed out and looking for full time work, it did not matter because I got to be with her more. After that it got harder when she found a full time and high demanding job but it was a blessing because financially we would be ok. What I am trying to say is either way God will use the situation to bring good out of it somehow and not always in the way we think. Keep praying and striving to do His will and take comfort in the fact that God is with you in each step.

Rebecca said...

You are doing it. Yes, that says it all.

Also, as time goes on and I look back over both infertility and life before and after, so to speak, infertility I'm struck more and more that this IS life sadness and hope, intertwined inexplicably. Sometimes in more obvious ways than others, but always there, in a tension of both/and.

mary said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I always think about you and draw upon your strength when I am having my sad moments dealing with infertility and loss. I so admire your faith and closeness with God. I know that these things will see you through this difficult time. You and your son are in my prayers.

Grace of Adoption said...

That quote from st Louis DeMontfort is the best. ever. Continued prayers and thinking of u.