Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Dating

Hmm.

There was a time when, over at TCIE, you'd see the Title of the new blog post: Dating, and assume it was a post about Pregnancy Dating, perhaps insight from a FertilityCare Practitioner on a client, or even a story of a Sonographer, measuring those tiny little miracles as I've done so many times, before...


If you had told me back in the day that I'd be writing a VERY DIFFERENT post about dating on This Cross I Embrace... well, I would have laughed in your face! Me?? Dating?? 
Joke's on me, cuz here I am.


Something a bit daunting occurred to me as I discerned getting back 'out there' following the declaration of nullity, and that is, I've never dated as an adult! College and post-college relationships were Insta-Serious, and before that, well, the opportunities were few and far between. I had literally been on ONE DATE in my life, as a 17 year old, with someone who wasn't already a "boyfriend." Now, having been civilly married 10 years... the prospect was decidedly more weird.

Armed with the advice of many girlfriends with much more experience than I, I dipped a toe in when the time was right and my discernment was complete. I was mostly nervous about knowing (or not knowing) what I was looking for. I could see that my checklist of desired attributes had been constantly vacillating very early on. "Is he awake at least 6 hours of the day? Excellent, marry me!" to "Oh, weird, he said he was Christian on his profile but he's Catholic, that must mean he's not really proud to be Catholic... delete!" My trust in others, and in myself, was most certainly *off* - and it was a blessing in disguise that the civil divorce process took as long as it did, because I know there would have been NO WAY I was ready to put my best self forward until I did.


But I did.

Very first thing I noticed is that a) it is an entirely different world out there from the last time I was out there (was I ever really out there??) and b) online dating isn't A thing, it's the ONLY thing. Obviously as a single parent it makes things easier for meeting new people, but even the never married, no kids crew seem to congregate to the "hide behind a computer screen/iPhone" world, now.

Weird.

But, I grabbed the reigns and went with the flow.

And, quickly discovered I am not cut out of the same mold as the rest of the online dating population.



Evidently, as a woman in her 30's online dating, I should be:

Asking a man his height before I even know his name.

Ascertaining a man's bank account and timeline for when he thinks he can fertilize my eggs.

Making the first move. Then continuing the make the moves, until it becomes abundantly clear that he has no moves, no thoughts, no opinions, and no cares of his own. #thanksfeminism

Posting pictures of myself jumping on a beach, covered in mud, and with an elephant. (All in one would probably score me even more points.)

Demanding to know when and where all of the man's pictures were taken.

Interested in starting tons of meaningless texting conversations that go on for months on end without ever actually meeting in person.

And, last but not least, open to the "ethical, non-monogamous" relationship possibility.



Now, hopefully you've established that these are not from Catholic-specific sites or apps. But, lest you think it was any better on those, here was the checklist for men on those sites:

CRICKETS (i.e. no contact and no response to messages) from the same men who "like" all of my photos.

Multiple creeper messages pledging their undying love and resolve to make me the "happiest woman on the planet" (boy, do you have me pegged, after all, happiness is all I'm really after...)

Rad Trads who have already established that I'm going to hell since I'm divorced.

Men who seem normal enough... at first... until I let a day go by because, you know, I have more important things to do, and then get the angry "What do I have to do to get you to message me back????? What's the secret???!!!" messages.

Profiles that utterly and completely contradict their actual status.

Fake profiles.




It's a ZOO out there.

And here I am, trying to find my way to the panda exhibit...








5 comments:

Xan said...

Girl. I feel you. I was on a few apps and gave up after about three months. But I've decided it was a good sign that at least I was willing to try!

Amanda Teixeira said...

All I have to say is that you had me rolling in laughter!!!!! I just love how you tell stories. But I do hope an incredible man with actual emotional and relationship skills finds you online soon :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy, I actually followed your blog back when you were trying to get pregnant and were civilly married. I've written you several times before, but it has been awhile. You can follow me on Instagram @praisinggodtoday.

I was in your shoes exactly 4 years ago. Divorced with an annulled marriage. I had no children from my first marriage. I had never dated much before getting married and my first husband I met in college. Two books that really helped me were: How to Get to I Do and Would You Date You? The first book helped give me the confidence to get on Catholic Match. I met my husband on Catholic Match about 3-4 months after being on the site. How? Well, the Holy Spirit matched us. My husband lived in Texas and I lived in Georgia. We both had looked at each other's profiles and said no way for different reasons. However, the Holy Spirit had me contact him a few days after praying a novena to the Holy Spirit. My husband and I went through great suffering to be together. It took a lot of faith, patience, perservrance, and sacrifice for us to be together....but here we are!

We have a happy Holy marriage! We are so happy and blessed to be together. It brings us so much comfort and joy after all of the sufferings we have gone through in life. We are sad that God has not blessed us with children. We are now in our forties and we haven't seen signs from God that this may be possible. We have about 5-6 more years left of trying. If you need support or inspiration, you are welcome to contact me. Many blessings in finding your husband! Katherine

DM + AM said...

Just be careful! We care about you and online dating is such an emotional roller coaster! Guard your heart extra!

We hope you find love!

Kat said...

I can't imagine trying to date nowadays, especially online. Hopefully you have a great spiritual director guiding you and helping you navigate it all. I will pray that if it is God's will, a holy and healthy man walk into you and your son's life. Keep trusting in God and His timing for you <3