Friday, August 18, 2017

A Glimpse Back at the "Real Me"

So, I've been SO FOCUSED on business over the past year, and especially the past 5 months or so, that I have not kept up in any real capacity with blog posts. For that I apologize. I consider this world a home to me - it clothed me in acceptance and love when I was showing the cross of infertility and inadoption, and when I was terrified to reveal the results of the 'other cross', I was again met with more love and understanding than I could have ever fathomed.

This is the kind of post I would usually just put on my Private Blog, until the time is right to put out my book. (Oh, yes. A book will be coming. About that "other" cross which lead to the recent and personal events in my life.) But, here in this space, I feel safe enough to talk a *bit* more freely, in general, in an effort to re-establish that connection with the group of comers and goers who have kept this blog going... nay, kept ME going. When I thought I had given all I had to give.

And so.



How is this me? How could I have let this happen? How do I now live a life in a state of limbo?

This is what is being asked of me, in this time. As I mentioned here before, I will be petitioning the Tribunal to request that they look into the factors surrounding conditions before, leading up to, and on the wedding day. My soul has always sought Truth. I need to know the Truth, so that I know how to process all that has transpired since the wedding (11 years ago, tomorrow). I pray for an expedient answer, but I prepare for a lengthy journey ahead - of living in limbo. Not knowing. Not being able to plan, or process, or fully heal myself quite yet.

Thanks be to God, I got the final nudge I needed to get my behind into Spiritual Direction, which I began a couple months ago. The exact place I needed to be. Father V. has helped me to realize that this next year of my life needs to focus upwards, not necessarily "forward." I also have to begin shifting my loyalty and obligations from my son's father onto my relationship with God and my vocation as His daughter, and Robbie's mother.

OK, quick detour.

Have I talked about this kid, lately??

For realz, people. And he was saying, "Body of Chwist." Just, ...can't get enough of his stinking face.
Alright. Maybe around 6:45pm I can, at times, say I've had enough of his stinking face. He is 2, after all. But, I digress.

Back to Spiritual Direction. Father V. wants me to approach this limbo as a time of getting back on track with God, and thinking about it as a way to quickly become much closer to Him and His plans for me and Robbie in a year, than if I went about this any other way and wound up taking a much longer road that veered way off course. This concept came easily to me, as I was just about to finish my 12th annual Consecration to Mary - and Robbie's very special Feast Day.

OK, another digression to remind you all of this most happiest moment in my entire world:

Ack! I was so nervous!! And, as I'll discuss more in my book (wink, wink), it was both a blessing and a curse that I was blissfully unaware of conditions of the 'other cross' at this moment. Sealing it as still my happiest moment in my entire world :)

So for those who have been around for a while, or are back again after being here in my early years (I should probably apologize for early TCIE, now - blah), you know just how patient I am and how I just LOVE LOVE LOVE to wait. For you, Jesus? Anything! 

Yyyyyyyyyyeah... maybe not.

Limbo was, is, always will be my kryptonite. The limbo of not knowing - will we ever conceive? Will we ever be approved to adopt? Will we ever be allowed to foster? Will we be forever childless? Will we, will we, will we...?? It was the NOT KNOWING that absolutely ripped me to shreds and destroyed any last notion of "planning" I may have had for my life. I lived in the limbo, not always so fruitfully, often just going through the motions of a day, with apathy and lots o' fatigue.

God tried His darndest to bring me through that 8 year limbo with infertility/inadoption, IN ADDITION to the limbo of back-and-forths of the 'other cross,' in an effort to teach me patience and trust.

Clearly, I still have more to learn. 

This time, it is different circumstances, different emotions at play with a son that I need to both financially support and nurture and teach. While different, it is so eerily, and very much the same.

The waiting. The not knowing. The inability to plan ahead. The not knowing where, or with whom I belong as part of a "group" of peers. The watching of others get, have, and keep what their heart desires. Seeing others receive quick answers, quick rewards for their efforts. The prayers, ohhhhhh the prayers, that seem to go unanswered. The Saints who seemingly favor everybody else ;P The agony of wanting some kind of definition, to live out my vocation as fully as I possibly can. The complete, utter, and PAINFUL misunderstanding of others who have never personally dealt with this cross not knowing what to say, not being supportive, being unintentionally or even at times intentionally hurtful, giving crappy, or unsolicited, or anti-Catholic advice...

It is all so very much the same.

God knows this. And He knows my heart. He knows I needed a full-out complete scrubbing and purging of my pride. Infertility? Done. Flip me over, start on the other side.

Lest you think I'm oh so holy and receptive to this, let me tell you. There have been tears. There have been temptations. There have been cries and shouts and mourning and depression and anxiety.
Spiritual Direction has helped immensely. So have amazing friends - all of whom I met through this blog. That ain't no coincidence, folks.

I am a divorced Catholic woman. I am my own oxymoron. It will not define me. Instead, I choose to allow it to work its course on me and through me, so that by the time that book is ready to be released, it can be a source of hope and strength for others dealing with that secret cross even more worthy of being hidden and undisclosed than infertility. Over this next year, Lord, please work in me so that my words become Your words.

*And if it's not too much to ask... let it be a quick and speedy year?

PPS... that Webinar is totally coming. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want it to be awesomely amazing, but at this point I may just settle for "HI, everyone! Sooo! Whatch'ya doin'??"


Catholic Mutt said...

Living as fully Catholic while not fitting the box... It's a tough place to be and all the "good" Catholics have a hard time understanding how a person can be a fully committed Catholic if things aren't working out. Did you know that I'm single because I found my career more important than my divine calling as a wife and mother? It's usually not overtly stated and obviously not everyone feels that way (and probably not most), but it HAS been overtly stated before. The point being that you absolutely can be a faithful Catholic (and not an oxymoron!) to be both divorced and Catholic, but it's really tough, because some Catholics don't understand that in this broken world (and especially in this current culture) there are times where it is necessary, that annulments are there for very legitimate reasons, though it is obviously a very serious decision. But then the world doesn't understand why the necessity for the limbo. Good thing you know a bunch of misfits that don't always quite fit the molds! ;)

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Love you! Prayers and ((Hugs))!!