Friday, March 3, 2017

The People on the Bus

There is so much to do, in so little time, to make this business what I want it to be:  to help others on a much larger scale than I ever have, before, while helping me to be with my son, and building our future... the stress is tremendous, because each time I want to just call it quits, I realize, it's just not a choice I have right now.

And yet, it is exciting work and I am so blessed to have all of the major pieces in place for the big launch in late March/early April - SO so so blessed!! God is good, all the time. The problem is me, and my inability to seemingly get my act together to just GET IT DONE. Yeah, ok, so I have a toddler I'm also taking care of, and stuff. But, then I'm humbled to see women just like me, single not by choice, with more than 1 child, building their own businesses, raising and homeschooling their kids, doing AMAZING things, and I am just blown away. Howwwwwww?????? They are goddesses, no doubt. Me? I'm more like a garden gnome.

I'm also teetering on the edge of nervous breakdown. The problem is, I'm not the nervous breakdown type. I'm the type that eschews nervous breakdowns. I'm Ms. "My Word is My Bond" Reliable, who gets deeply involved in commitments and feels an intense obligation to those in my life, personal and professional. I told me therapist (yes, I'm in therapy, don't worry) that "I don't have the luxury of having a nervous breakdown!" (Yes, I called it a luxury. And yes, I sounded EXACTLY like my mother.)

But, nonetheless, I have felt like the past 15 years of my life have been accumulating while boiling just under the surface, ready to erupt at my first sign of "weakness" or slack in vigilance or distraction. I'm working on this, I truly am. And I think it comes down to looking forward, and not backward.

I hold a lot of pain, anger, hurt, resentment, guilt, confusion, and feelings of failure over the past. It has been particularly difficult for me to move past these things and onto today, and tomorrow instead. My emotions are mostly targeted at myself, too - I feel like I could have, should have done a lot of things differently. Better. Just - I don't know, more aware. And logically I can explain it all away ad nauseum. But the feelings remain.

I actually started writing this post a few days ago, and tonight as a I finish it, I feel better. And that has been my life, as of late. Up, and Down. Up, and Down. Up.

And Down.

Luckily I am very well-versed in this, my son's favorite verse of The Wheels on the Bus. I have lived it for a long-ass time.


Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Amy - ((hugs)) and prayers!!! I don't have any great words of wisdom because I am dealing with my own mental junk and as you alluded to there are good days and bad days, but please know I will be offering up some of my anxiety and scruples for you. Love you friend!!!

Rebecca said...

Many prayers for you as you continue on the up and down of life. (((Amy)))

Amazing Life said...

Amy! I need the name of your therapist ;) No seriously! I feel like I need therapy and everyone I know thinks I am good but I know I am falling apart! I will keep praying for you friend! I think single moms are rock stars!!! It is so hard to do it alone even for just a bit! I have found that some moms that have to do it all on their own are SUPER at asking for help! They know their limits and people do try to help a mom because they love you and they love your child! I will pray that you find the support you need! Parenting is overwhelming no matter what your circumstances! I hope you know that this comes from a heart that was raised by a kick-ass single momma and lots of loving aunts and uncles :)

Strahlen Grace said...

Hey Amy,

I've been there - or at least through some of it. The devil tweaks our stories just enough so we can't know exactly what another is going through. His greatest victory is in making us feel alone, isolated from each other and from God, but you are not alone! You have a God who created you in His image, a fantastic family (It's funny how much wiser our mothers are now than they were when we were 17!), and at least one friend happy to be reunited and who believes in you and wants to help move you past life's challenges (That would be me ;) )

I posted your piece on my FB page with my comments about wanting to quit and the LUXURY of a nervous breakdown - I SO get that, but you are amazing! I watched you and your little boy (that sounds creepy to anyone who doesn't know we actually had a Mommy play date! LOL) You are doing an *amazing* job! Hold onto your faith, keep your head up, and call me ANYTIME!

Love & Peace, Amy. You've got this!

God Bless...

prayerfuljourney said...

I just came across your posts today and I will keep you and your child in my prayers.