There is so much to do, in so little time, to make this business what I want it to be: to help others on a much larger scale than I ever have, before, while helping me to be with my son, and building our future... the stress is tremendous, because each time I want to just call it quits, I realize, it's just not a choice I have right now.
And yet, it is exciting work and I am so blessed to have all of the major pieces in place for the big launch in late March/early April - SO so so blessed!! God is good, all the time. The problem is me, and my inability to seemingly get my act together to just GET IT DONE. Yeah, ok, so I have a toddler I'm also taking care of, and stuff. But, then I'm humbled to see women just like me, single not by choice, with more than 1 child, building their own businesses, raising and homeschooling their kids, doing AMAZING things, and I am just blown away. Howwwwwww?????? They are goddesses, no doubt. Me? I'm more like a garden gnome.
I'm also teetering on the edge of nervous breakdown. The problem is, I'm not the nervous breakdown type. I'm the type that eschews nervous breakdowns. I'm Ms. "My Word is My Bond" Reliable, who gets deeply involved in commitments and feels an intense obligation to those in my life, personal and professional. I told me therapist (yes, I'm in therapy, don't worry) that "I don't have the luxury of having a nervous breakdown!" (Yes, I called it a luxury. And yes, I sounded EXACTLY like my mother.)
But, nonetheless, I have felt like the past 15 years of my life have been accumulating while boiling just under the surface, ready to erupt at my first sign of "weakness" or slack in vigilance or distraction. I'm working on this, I truly am. And I think it comes down to looking forward, and not backward.
I hold a lot of pain, anger, hurt, resentment, guilt, confusion, and feelings of failure over the past. It has been particularly difficult for me to move past these things and onto today, and tomorrow instead. My emotions are mostly targeted at myself, too - I feel like I could have, should have done a lot of things differently. Better. Just - I don't know, more aware. And logically I can explain it all away ad nauseum. But the feelings remain.
I actually started writing this post a few days ago, and tonight as a I finish it, I feel better. And that has been my life, as of late. Up, and Down. Up, and Down. Up.
Luckily I am very well-versed in this, my son's favorite verse of The Wheels on the Bus. I have lived it for a long-ass time.