And so, I'm back: This Cross I Embrace. It was weird there, for a while. A blog about the cross of primary infertility, begun in 2008 when I was convinced I'd be "switching topics" to Mommy Blog within 6 months, felt as if it had culminated in August 2014 when miraculously, that part of the cross was lifted forever. I wasn't quite sure in what vein to continue blogging. I knew it was always cathartic for me. I knew I still had plenty to say. But, just as my life was getting a brand new makeover, I knew my blog needed one, too, to survive venturing into the unknowns ahead.
Infertility I had perfected ;) Pregnancy and Parenting? Not so much.
And now I have reached a crossroads I never thought would come to pass. A time to begin talking about the new cross I embrace.
You may have noticed I mentioned that infertility was only a part of the cross I embraced. And, through the past 9 years of blogging, I've subtly mentioned that there were other crosses even heavier than infertility. Multiple times, I thought those crosses had been lifted. And multiple times, I watched everything come crashing down around me when Truth stepped in.
So I come back to my old familiar safe space, and I accept this new reality of my life- it brings me to my knees, daily. I will brush off the old keyboard and put my thoughts, feelings, fears, struggles, and prayer requests out there, once again. This is so, so very far from how I envisioned my life as a mommy.
Let me back up and say, it is incumbent on me to keep the details of everything that has transpired since 2002 off of this blog. Those who know me well are probably (by now) aware of those details, but for the most part, they were kept hidden even from close family members, until several years ago. If you do know me, and want to reach out, please feel free to do so. However, and I repeat, I will not be going into details on this blog, for the most important reason of my son's privacy and ability to process things in his way, in his time. I ask that if you are privy to specific details, you respect my boundary in that (as I'm sure all of my readers would).
What I can and will share are the steps of the journey, as this is a huge reason why I wanted to re-enter blogosphere. I am currently in the midst of the civil divorce process, since September, and my God, what a horrific cross it is. My one reprieve is that I literally have no time to sit and dwell upon how everything seems to be crumbling to pieces, because I am doing everything I can to assume the roles of both provider and nurturer to my son. Finding the balance is the trickiest part of all. More on that in future posts, I am certain.
And back to that son of mine. 22 months old next week. He is my sunshine, my motivation, my comic relief, and my warmth. It is at once the greatest joy I've ever known, and the greatest suffering I've ever known, to have him here in my arms in this world when I cannot shelter him from the pain of this mess. It torments me with guilt in knowing others who suffer childlessness are not headed for my same destiny, and their children will not be products of divorce, if they are ever blessed with them. My heart bleeds for those women, and to think of them reading my story, shaking their heads in saying, rightfully so, "It's just. not. fair." It isn't. Not one bit. Oh, how much I, too, wanted that fairytale ending where one cross being lifted would lead to a domino effect of all of the bigger, heavier crosses simultaneously being lifted. It's not what happened.
And yet, my son's life is the single greatest thing to have ever happened to me, and more miraculous than even I knew at the time. So, as I'm accustomed to doing, I am going to grab this bull of my new role in life by the horns, stare it in the eye, and only with God's help forge a completely new path forward and upward. Don't let my confident words fool you. I am scared out of my ever-loving mind. But I will embrace this new cross joyfully, thanking God every day for entrusting me with it, one day at a time.