Today I wept tears of joy for a year ended, 2015, a year that has forever changed me and an entirety of 365 days that can all be summed up in the emotion of 10:53am on April 13th. The moment in which my son was handed into my arms, onto my chest, and from that day forward, I will never be the same.
But my tears of joyful thanksgiving were coupled with tears of joyful sorrow as I realized that today marks another milestone than simply the start of a new calendar year.
Today also happens to be (yes, I'm dorky enough to have done this math) the day that Robbie has officially been a part of the outside world longer than he was inside of me.
When I first did this math, simply out of curiosity, to know when the actual date would be, it was in response to my seeing others post pictures of their babies "9 months on the outside" vs "9 months on the inside." Being
So, knowing the date was coming wasn't really anything more than "oh, that'll be cool to know!" up until today.
Today, I had heart pangs. And uterus aches.
Because, my baby is now more familiar with the outside world than he is with my quiet, safe, warm, secure body.
It may sound silly to you. Heck, it sounds silly to me, just writing it. But it's the truth. I've already written about how I miss being pregnant with Robbie, but now, I wonder if he still misses my womb, or if he even remembers it.
With these thoughts comes, once again, the INTENSE yearning and desire for another pregnancy. At times it literally overwhelms me. Which is so odd because I never had that before pregnancy. Go figure. If you give a mouse a cookie...
My little boy is surely growing, and learning new things about his world every day. He is simply delightful (unless he has an ear infection, in which case he is a miserable wreck who only wants to nurse 'round the clock and doesn't understand why I won't take away the pain), and has such a sweet personality. I absolutely LOVE waking up to him talking to himself in his crib and then going to pick him up and him giggling and rolling around playing "keep away" from Mommy like it's the best game in the world (and really, it is). I just love love love love love love LOVE being his Mommy!! I just wish each and every magical moment of this could be frozen in time, forever... and that I wouldn't always be reminded that someday, my son who has now been outside of me longer than inside of me, will one day be outside of my home longer than he was inside of it.
But then, just as any good TCIE thought finishes (let's pretend for the sake of this blog post that I a) actually have good thoughts, and b) actually finish them), I come back to today. January 1st. Not just a milestone for Robbie, and not just the beginning of a new year. But even more importantly, The Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. Of. Course. Of COURSE, just when I am beginning to get all weepy at the thought of my baby boy growing up, I am met with yet another Godincidence. This same little boy, prayed for through Mary's intercession for 8 years, conceived on her parent's feast day, discovered by his parents on the Feast of her Assumption, is now a born child on the outside longer than he was unborn - on another of her important days. And no better Solemnity than this - the day in which we remind ourselves to consecrate our new year to Mary, the Mother of God. A day to reflect upon her role not only in Jesus' life, but in ours, as our Mediatrix and Refuge. And a reminder to me personally, that I have already given this child into her care, on the day we found out we were expecting him. On that fateful August 15th when we renewed our Consecration for the 9th year, we placed the tiny ultrasound picture of Robbie under her feet - a symbol of our trust in her maternal love and protection of him. So of course, this day is the perfect day for me to remember that promise, and commit to it once again, as I have no reason to fear when she is Our Mother.
Robbie, may you continue to grow big and strong and embrace all that life throws at you (gently, I pray). And may Mary be with you, and all of her children in a special way in 2016.
Happy New Year!