Anywho. Let's talk sequels.
As in, TCIE, The Sequel. Because, the cycles? They've done returned. 6 months postpartum. Not shabby for a PCOS gal with hormones that were once up the wazoo to the point of no egg-laying except with crazy amounts of meds. Now? My ovaries are like, ovulation, schmovulation, bring it. Thanks, ovarian wedge resection, and thanks real food.
But the return of cycles means the return of (
To chart, or not to chart. That is the question.
I got by pretty darn well as a
What IF. "IF" - the beloved (I jest, no one loves that shit) acronym on the interwebs for INFERTILITY. Funny how this what IF is a big IF, as in, WHAT IF I'm no longer subfertile and hence what IF I conceive again, and WHAT IF when I conceive, my levels are crappy because I'm still breastfeeding, and what IF... I have a miscarriage that could have been prevented??
Too many IFs in that sentence. And too many years of IF for me to want to make too much of the many IFs..
I'm not interested in coming back to this blog in any capacity as the woman that once ran it. I'm not that woman, of the "original" This Cross I Embrace, anymore. I have been transformed. I've been morphed into a totally different, nay, the EXACT OPPOSITE of that woman. From childless to full of child. And I will never (as my last post says) be the same.
And so, it's with a light heart, and an inquisitive mind, not with an anxious heart and crazy mind that I come to this familiar, and yet totally new question.
And, it's not just to chart or not to chart, but to supplement (with progesterone) or not to supplement.
It would be easy enough for me to keep track of my cycles, take my "what if" progesterone from P+3 through P+12 every cycle, and still not get anxious the way I was when we were actively trying to conceive. Easy, she says. Yeah. Seems like it would be. But, again, I haven't charted in 3-4 years. I haven't taken A med on ANY day in roughly the same amount of time except during birth (give me all the epidurals, says the homebirth plan at hour 50). So, in reality, I'm just - not - sure how this will look in practice. Can I avoid the This Cross I Embrace: The Sequel? The crazed, hopeful, depressed, peaceful, joyful, suffering, ambivalence that once oozed out of every single post on this blog and every single thought and action in my life? Can it truly be avoided if I am once again timing a medication to take "just in case" something happens that took EIGHT YEARS to happen absolutely and unbelievably MIRACULOUSLY the first time?? Can it???
Yes. I'm going to say it. I'm going to live it. I'm going to REPEAT it: IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
Sure, I may have moments when I get disappointed if my period is late and then shows up. I may get impatient as time passes. I may even find myself praying again to add to my family (oh, let's be real, that prayer has been fairly regular since Robbie was born, along with my daily prayers for the still-childless couples). But, things will be different. First of all, there is an end in sight to both breastfeeding, and the progesterone supplementation. I won't need the support for a long time. That's huge. It was always the "HOW MUCH LONGER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!" that drove me the most nuts during infertility. Second... I have Robbie. The charting, the supplements, the timing of it all - it will be quite literally the last thing on my mind after nursing, cooking meals, cleaning, laundry, stuffing diapers, vacuuming, grocery shopping, Skyping with clients,
I will be avoiding the sequel, over here at TCIE. I will.
But, my story is still not completely told. And so, as we move forward, we'll simply need to wait to see what exactly happens next. I'd love for you all to join me for the ride. As always... stay tuned.