I'll admit it. Readily. I didn't understand. I really didn't. I would see women with their babies desiring, nay, yearning for another pregnancy. And I didn't get it. Secondary infertility, to me, was more than just a misnomer - it was quite frankly, a tad silly. I mean, for me it was always about motherhood. However a child came to me, my mothering heart would be healed forever of infertility. That I knew. And, I was right. Forever healed. Robbie has made me a mother and nothing that ever happens in the future can take that away. But the intense, and I mean intense craving for life in my womb again has completely taken me by surprise.
I do feel that I owe an apology to those women I previously did not understand. And simultaneously, I feel I owe an apology to the still-childless women, as now my sentiments expressed publicly will likely cause the same reaction for them as they used to cause in me just a year ago. Here I sit, with my still-fresh-outta-utero baby, yearning for pregnancy again. In fact, I believe the first words out of my mouth after delivering Robbie (after "Let me see him!") were "I want another one!" (Not to be confused with "I want a different one!" Hahaha.) How could I be so selfish? How could I not "just be happy" with the incredible blessing I have been given?
Well, let me explain what I've come to understand about this yearning in my own situation. First of all, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Happier, more enthusiastic, more pleasant... just in general a much cheerier disposition than ever before. Life is FAR from perfect. In fact, there's some pretty crazy sh*t going down on a fairly regular basis, and motherhood hasn't turned everything into sunshine and rainbows. (I do have unicorns flying out of my butt, but honestly, it's not all it's cracked up to be... the horns... ouch.) But the perspective... THAT has made the world of difference. There's an incredible amount of gratitude and appreciation for the miracle of life (not just Robbie's, but my own) that fills my heart every day. Does it make every moment of every day easier? Actually, yes and no. There are hardships to motherhood, most of which I had already heard about and been prepared for as much as you can prepare for something you've never experienced. But, knowing these moments, these days, these weeks are so fleeting - and that my life, my husband's life, my son's life, is a beautiful gift... yes, it does make it much easier to get through. Motherhood didn't give me this perspective, by the way. Infertility did.
And so, why would I feel the need for MORE blessings? The way I'm seeing it, it's not so much a greedy hoarding #givemeallthebabies mentality (even though I have written that, um, a lot all over social media), as much as it is a craving to be in that ever-present, ever-conscious state of miracle: pregnancy. I miss being pregnant. I do. I tell Mr TCIE all the time. And when I tried to dissect the emotion (because, well, that's what I do), I realized it wasn't *just* about being pregnant. It was about being pregnant with Robbie.
I miss being pregnant with Robbie.
Right now, I am at his beck and call 24/7. My body supplies him with food, with warmth, with comfort, with assistance in getting to sleep, with changing of diapers, with transportation, and providing places and things for entertainment, relaxation, and safety. I am always "on." And I love it. But I will never be able to provide all of those things in quite the same way as I was when he was within me. Furthermore, I will never be as close to him as I was when he was within me.
A famous blogger, Hebrews 11:1 (I'm calling her famous so she'll send me an invite to view her now-private blog, since I haven't read blogs in, oh, about 27 months give or take) said to me recently that the reason women always say they want to eat their babies is because that way they can have them INSIDE, and closer to them than they are on the OUTSIDE. Yup. So true. That, and have you seen these baby rolls?
I could eat those all. day. long.
So, for a multitude of reasons, I miss my baby, my Robbie, on the inside. And I now totally get the almost incontrollable urge to have more, and more, and more babies growing in my belly.
I'm curious - was it the same for those of you who adopted your first child? Because I imagine, though different, there are many similarities, and perhaps that high of the first time your child is in your arms is likewise intoxicating to the point you want to say #matchmewithallthebabies :)
But truly, my heart is just so full of love that I want every woman who desires this to be able to experience it for themselves, with its own nuances and special moments unique to you - and Robbie and I pray for all childless couples every night, especially those who have walked this journey with us for so long (you know who you are ;) )
I miss him like crazy. And I wouldn't have it any other way.