Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I Miss Him

I'll admit it.  Readily.  I didn't understand.  I really didn't.  I would see women with their babies desiring, nay, yearning for another pregnancy.  And I didn't get it.  Secondary infertility, to me, was more than just a misnomer - it was quite frankly, a tad silly.  I mean, for me it was always about motherhood.  However a child came to me, my mothering heart would be healed forever of infertility.  That I knew.  And, I was right.  Forever healed.  Robbie has made me a mother and nothing that ever happens in the future can take that away.  But the intense, and I mean intense craving for life in my womb again has completely taken me by surprise.

I do feel that I owe an apology to those women I previously did not understand.  And simultaneously, I feel I owe an apology to the still-childless women, as now my sentiments expressed publicly will likely cause the same reaction for them as they used to cause in me just a year ago.  Here I sit, with my still-fresh-outta-utero baby, yearning for pregnancy again.  In fact, I believe the first words out of my mouth after delivering Robbie (after "Let me see him!") were "I want another one!"  (Not to be confused with "I want a different one!" Hahaha.)  How could I be so selfish?  How could I not "just be happy" with the incredible blessing I have been given?

Well, let me explain what I've come to understand about this yearning in my own situation.  First of all, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  Happier, more enthusiastic, more pleasant... just in general a much cheerier disposition than ever before.    Life is FAR from perfect.  In fact, there's some pretty crazy sh*t going down on a fairly regular basis, and motherhood hasn't turned everything into sunshine and rainbows.  (I do have unicorns flying out of my butt, but honestly, it's not all it's cracked up to be... the horns... ouch.)  But the perspective... THAT has made the world of difference.  There's an incredible amount of gratitude and appreciation for the miracle of life (not just Robbie's, but my own) that fills my heart every day.  Does it make every moment of every day easier? Actually, yes and no.  There are hardships to motherhood, most of which I had already heard about and been prepared for as much as you can prepare for something you've never experienced.  But, knowing these moments, these days, these weeks are so fleeting - and that my life, my husband's life, my son's life, is a beautiful gift... yes, it does make it much easier to get through.  Motherhood didn't give me this perspective, by the way.  Infertility did.

And so, why would I feel the need for MORE blessings?  The way I'm seeing it, it's not so much a greedy hoarding #givemeallthebabies mentality (even though I have written that, um, a lot all over social media), as much as it is a craving to be in that ever-present, ever-conscious state of miracle: pregnancy.  I miss being pregnant.  I do.  I tell Mr TCIE all the time.  And when I tried to dissect the emotion (because, well, that's what I do), I realized it wasn't *just* about being pregnant.  It was about being pregnant with Robbie.

I miss being pregnant with Robbie.

Right now, I am at his beck and call 24/7.  My body supplies him with food, with warmth, with comfort, with assistance in getting to sleep, with changing of diapers, with transportation, and providing places and things for entertainment, relaxation, and safety.  I am always "on."  And I love it.  But I will never be able to provide all of those things in quite the same way as I was when he was within me.  Furthermore, I will never be as close to him as I was when he was within me.

A famous blogger, Hebrews 11:1 (I'm calling her famous so she'll send me an invite to view her now-private blog, since I haven't read blogs in, oh, about 27 months give or take) said to me recently that the reason women always say they want to eat their babies is because that way they can have them INSIDE, and closer to them than they are on the OUTSIDE.  Yup.  So true.  That, and have you seen these baby rolls?

I could eat those all. day. long.

So, for a multitude of reasons, I miss my baby, my Robbie, on the inside.  And I now totally get the almost incontrollable urge to have more, and more, and more babies growing in my belly. 

I'm curious - was it the same for those of you who adopted your first child?  Because I imagine, though different, there are many similarities, and perhaps that high of the first time your child is in your arms is likewise intoxicating to the point you want to say #matchmewithallthebabies :) 

But truly, my heart is just so full of love that I want every woman who desires this to be able to experience it for themselves, with its own nuances and special moments unique to you - and Robbie and I pray for all childless couples every night, especially those who have walked this journey with us for so long (you know who you are ;) )

I miss him like crazy.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.


Rita @ Open Window said...

Yes, I have to admit, I would love to adopt and adopt and adopt. Bringing a child into our family has been the greatest blessing, and bringing a second an equally great one, and I hope one day we can adopt again. We will see what God has in store. Yes, becoming a mother heals me of the pain of infertility in some ways and I am a mother forever and hurrah and hurrah and let the angels sing. Because they do. Every day. But I'd do it all over again and again and again if we could--and maybe we will. Only time will tell.

Unknown said...

I was ready to adopt again when Josie was like 3 months old haha! So yes, I want to be matched with all the babies! :) We will go in the active pool again within the next couple of months!!!!

E said...

I heard a talk by a priest that said the uterus is an empty organ that seeks to be filled. I could say both of ur hash tags are true for me but sadly I feel the sting of approaching my forties and I know my limits. 😕

Angela said...

Totally understand these feelings! And I love, love, love the very bottom pic of Robbie!

Beth R said...

I think our (those who have been touched by infertility in some way) want for more children is that each child rebuilds or heals part of the brokenness of our journey. When I held our son for the first time in NICU when he was 8 days old I felt the most whole I had felt in 8 years. I could feel the bricks of my soul slowly being stacked back up. When we sat in court 2 years later and were FINALLY his legal parents I felt the mortar seeping into the cracks between the bricks. While I feel stronger and "healed" from our journey there is a constant whispering sorrow of what could have been, or what may yet be meant to be. I haven't, and likely never will experience labor, but praying through every moment of every day that you can keep this sweet child who is yours in your heart and mind is as close to labor as I can imagine and while it's torturous and draining I find myself longing for it at times. So, we wait for a baby sister, if it's meant to be and if not, I will snuggle my sweet boy and be grateful for him and find other ways to keep my wall strong.

Long and short, yes ADOPT ALL THE BABIES!!!!

Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

I had Xander a month ago and after a couple days home I told my husband that I want to have "800 more biological babies." Eight hundred is a slight exaggeration, but the sentiment is real. And after being home from Ukraine for a week with Paul, I told Ryan I was ready to go back for another. And I was dead serious and literal about that. And while I don't remember, I'm sure I said something similar after giving birth to Ben.

I think for me it is this new kind of love. In the throes of IF, I knew I wanted babies, I mourned not having them, but after actually experiencing the new kind of love- the (for me) immediate attachment, the endearment, the sweetness, the magic, of your child- I just want that to grow and expand.

Praying for Hope said...

Too true. Nearly five years on, I miss being pregnant. I want that again although I know it will never happen. It was special: the two of us and then the rest of the world. Then she was born, and I had to share her. IF makes appreciate pregnancy more and everything that follows, tantrums included. Knowing the first time you experience every new, exciting milestone is also your last time will do it, too.

Becky said...

I understand this so well. I have five children and still yearn for more. I feel selfish as well (and perhaps I am), but I also have learned to understand the beauty of pregnancy, so I don't really regret feeling the way I do. As long as I continue on with life and appreciate what I have! :) This is a very honest post, so thank you!

I also have also emailed you about another matter, if you have time to respond when you have time, I would appreciate it!

Rachel said...

Yes. We have only been able to adopt our son, and I am deep in the throes again of painful infertility, especially with all of the Planned Parenthood evil surfacing. I want *all* the babies, and I want mine small enough to put in his sling again and carry everywhere :(

Sarah said...

Yes. I so relate to this. I said the same words when my son was born. And then I was over the moon having another one 18 months later (an age gap many "reasonable" parents wouldn't choose... but oh, we were lucky enough to choose!). And now.. now I totally long for a third, when again, a "reasonable" parent would feel overwhelmed.