Of course, it used to bug the ever-loving poop out of my to read a former IFer write something like, "Wow, I still can't believe I'm a Mom!" as they're sending their kid off to college, but here I am walking the walk and talking the talk that many others have forged ahead of me. I can't change my feelings. They just are what they are. But, surprisingly, when I do receive emails or correspondence from other mothers-post-IF, I find that I don't relate to what they're saying as much as I may have expected I would.
For example, I don't feel like I have one foot stuck in IF and one foot in Mommyhood. Maybe it's silly, but it's me - I feel fully alleviated of the cross of infertility. My loving/warring debate with Alison at Matching Moonheads over the difference between subfertility and infertility, and why I would never use the word "sub" to describe someone who has an inability to conceive, is still alive and well in my mind. I haven't graduated to "sub"fertility. I've graduated to Mommy. Sure, I may never conceive again, but I am not worried about that. At all. I swear. (May sound weird to many of you, but it's true.) I'm a Mommy. And I feel more convinced now than ever before that we will be able to foster in the future. One pregnancy, one adoption, one foster - is enough for me to say the worst part of my infertility, the CHILDLESSNESS, is over and done with. Forever. I don't feel stuck in infertility. My heart and soul still aches for my sisters carrying the heavy cross on their shoulders, but my heart and soul feels completely and utterly free of that cross. I think that distinction, for me, has been in part formed throughout the years in watching others cross over, and then come back, cross over again, and come back again... and again, for me, the worst part of the cross has always been the childlessness, and I always felt a disconnect with the mothers. I know that is not the case for everyone, and I know for many women, the ability to plan a family, to carry life in their womb, to carry to term, to give their child/ren siblings... these are important and real crosses. For me, it just wasn't. Which is probably why now I feel so... free. Free of that weight, free of that branding, free of that identity. I still experience guilt, of course, which I suppose is silly since I know I wasn't "chosen" by God to be "rewarded" with this baby because I "deserve" it. But I do feel like, why me? Why not them? I can't explain it. I wish I could, of course, explain to those who still suffer childlessness that their time will soon come... but I cannot. Because I know not.
And so, on to my current life and current excitement.
Here is Baby TCIE at 9 weeks:
We've decided, unlike the pregnancy book's comparing the baby's size to a grape, that ours is actually more like a fig. Fitting, since I've been eating figs like they don't cost $15 apiece.
Heartbeat 171bpm (it always speeds up, in both genders, between 8-11 weeks, then settles back to 120-160 for remainder of pregnancy. So, sorry, no gender guessing just from that ;) )
3-D images with the transvaginal probe - we went back to the place where I did my externship in ultrasound and learned basically everything about pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound, for this special peek at the baby with Grandma and Grandpa. It did not disappoint.
Cute little bugger. As many of these wiggly 9-weekers as I've had the pleasure of viewing over the years, I was pleased to see my own already has his/her own personality. Breaking the mold, even after a doughnut and juice, this baby slept. The whole time. Momentarily wiggled its little hiney, just to appease us all, then promptly back to sleep. Clearly it's Mr TCIE's kid.
I may be good at sonography, but taking pictures of still sonogram images, not so much. The above were the 4th or 5th try at it. Here's one from the 1st attempt:
Baby Omen. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
And here's some fun things I've stumbled upon while reading some pregnancy books...
(and this does nothing but further my silly Choleric notion that reading pregnancy books is stupid, because *I* know everything there is to know about birthing babies. Flash forward 7 months:)
Anyhoo, here are the little gems I particularly liked:
Ahh, yes. It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, knowing someone out there is suffering. Thank you for preparing me for what it means to be a mother, oh wise pregnancy book.
For the people who see me in clothes, which fortunately is everyone.
The same could not be said for my infertility treatment years...
OK, time to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time this afternoon... Until we meet again!