Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Ultrasound and Pregnancy Books

I kinda feel like I was hired to write this post by someone else who is experiencing these things, because I still have that "this can't be my life, can it?" aura floating all around me.

Of course, it used to bug the ever-loving poop out of my to read a former IFer write something like, "Wow, I still can't believe I'm a Mom!" as they're sending their kid off to college, but here I am walking the walk and talking the talk that many others have forged ahead of me.  I can't change my feelings.  They just are what they are.  But, surprisingly, when I do receive emails or correspondence from other mothers-post-IF, I find that I don't relate to what they're saying as much as I may have expected I would.

For example, I don't feel like I have one foot stuck in IF and one foot in Mommyhood.  Maybe it's silly, but it's me - I feel fully alleviated of the cross of infertility.  My loving/warring debate with Alison at Matching Moonheads over the difference between subfertility and infertility, and why I would never use the word "sub" to describe someone who has an inability to conceive, is still alive and well in my mind.  I haven't graduated to "sub"fertility.  I've graduated to Mommy.  Sure, I may never conceive again, but I am not worried about that.  At all.  I swear.  (May sound weird to many of you, but it's true.)  I'm a Mommy.  And I feel more convinced now than ever before that we will be able to foster in the future.  One pregnancy, one adoption, one foster - is enough for me to say the worst part of my infertility, the CHILDLESSNESS, is over and done with.  Forever.  I don't feel stuck in infertility.  My heart and soul still aches for my sisters carrying the heavy cross on their shoulders, but my heart and soul feels completely and utterly free of that cross.  I think that distinction, for me, has been in part formed throughout the years in watching others cross over, and then come back, cross over again, and come back again... and again, for me, the worst part of the cross has always been the childlessness, and I always felt a disconnect with the mothers.  I know that is not the case for everyone, and I know for many women, the ability to plan a family, to carry life in their womb, to carry to term, to give their child/ren siblings... these are important and real crosses.  For me, it just wasn't.  Which is probably why now I feel so... free.  Free of that weight, free of that branding, free of that identity.  I still experience guilt, of course, which I suppose is silly since I know I wasn't "chosen" by God to be "rewarded" with this baby because I "deserve" it.  But I do feel like, why me?  Why not them?  I can't explain it.  I wish I could, of course, explain to those who still suffer childlessness that their time will soon come... but I cannot.  Because I know not.

And so, on to my current life and current excitement.

Here is Baby TCIE at 9 weeks:

We've decided, unlike the pregnancy book's comparing the baby's size to a grape, that ours is actually more like a fig.  Fitting, since I've been eating figs like they don't cost $15 apiece.

Heartbeat 171bpm (it always speeds up, in both genders, between 8-11 weeks, then settles back to 120-160 for remainder of pregnancy.  So, sorry, no gender guessing just from that ;) )

3-D images with the transvaginal probe - we went back to the place where I did my externship in ultrasound and learned basically everything about pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound, for this special peek at the baby with Grandma and Grandpa.  It did not disappoint.

Cute little bugger.  As many of these wiggly 9-weekers as I've had the pleasure of viewing over the years, I was pleased to see my own already has his/her own personality.  Breaking the mold, even after a doughnut and juice, this baby slept.  The whole time.  Momentarily wiggled its little hiney, just to appease us all, then promptly back to sleep.  Clearly it's Mr TCIE's kid.

I may be good at sonography, but taking pictures of still sonogram images, not so much.  The above were the 4th or 5th try at it.  Here's one from the 1st attempt:

Baby Omen.  Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

And here's some fun things I've stumbled upon while reading some pregnancy books...
(and this does nothing but further my silly Choleric notion that reading pregnancy books is stupid, because *I* know everything there is to know about birthing babies.  Flash forward 7 months:)
Anyhoo, here are the little gems I particularly liked:

Ahh, yes.  It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, knowing someone out there is suffering.  Thank you for preparing me for what it means to be a mother, oh wise pregnancy book.

For the people who see me in clothes, which fortunately is everyone.  
The same could not be said for my infertility treatment years...

OK, time to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time this afternoon... Until we meet again!


Ania said...

Glad you are free, Amy. I think your pics are pretty good too. Kinda love the stumpy arm/leg gummy bear look they have at this stage.

Julie said...

Fun images!
I am with you on the instant heart healing that comes with being a mother. My heart healed from the 9 years of IF the moment I held my daughter for the first time. It was amazing! It was the childlessness that hurt more than not being able to conceive. From that moment I have not had a real longing for a baby in utero (good thing since I am 2 weeks post
I know that a lot of women carry the pain forever, but I was not one of them.

Julie said...

Wanted to add that both our children are adopted. Never was pregnant in my whole life

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Thanks for sharing those thoughts, Julie! I'm with you. I still long to adopt, but no matter how God saw fit to make me a mom is a-ok with me.

JoAnna Wahlund said...

Baby TCIE is adorable!!

MamaHoli said...

So beautiful!!!

matchingmoonheads said...

So the war goes on! For the record, its not about being able to conceive repeatedly, or being worried about it, but I am glad that's far from your mind. It should be. I do always get a bit sad when I hear people with a pregnant belly/baby worried about their future kids already. And you don't graduate to "sub"fertility...its just a more appropriate word of what you were all along. Especially since you conceived without meds!! God does miracles! Anyway, I'm never trying to diminish suffering, just my attempt at appropriate semantics, and, this is bound to end in disaster, so I'll stop here :P
My favorite ultrasound was Sam's 9 week-er. Granted, it was his first but man, it made. it. real. Your joy is palpable and it is so neat to read it :)

Anita said...

"For the people who see you in clothes . . . " LOL!

Blessed Wife said...

So happy for you Amy! I love that you feel you have moved on from the identity of infertile because you are fertile! Keep on cherish every moment! Drink it up for all of us still waiting :) You are a great example of embracing this miracle God has given you instead of moving forward with caution. Celebration is so needed in this community! It gives someone like me so much hope whether I become a mother or not. Praying for you!

LifeHopes said...

Love this! Beautiful baby!! So beautiful !!

I actually can totally understand what you mean about it being "lifted" all together. I never wanted to admit it like you did, but honestly when we adopted things changed for me .. then when we conceived, even more so. I guess I felt instantaneous relief. Like a THOUSAND pounds was lifted.

And even though we long for more children, and I grieve my fertility, it is NOTHING like childlessness.

Still so thrilled for you.

Amazing Life said...

Baby TCIE is beautiful!!

Genevieve said...

What a beautiful gift! So happy for you!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Love the pictures! So, so, so happy for you!! Grow, baby, GROW!

Lena said...

No need to change your feelings.

Go ahead and throw down that cross! Do a happy dance!

Question: In some of those ultrasound pics is a bright light? Um. That wand thing doesn't have a spotlight on it does it? Were those pictures of the ultrasound screen? Was there a light in the room? I'm just curious.

Anonymous said...

Love the pictures! Still so, so happy for you. :)


Georgie said...

Oh my GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best news ever! I see that GOD is letting this be an amazing testimony. I am overjoyed and praying!!!!!!!! SO happy!
Amy from Colorado !!!!!!!!
I check your blog ever so often, and was SHOCKED, but not surprised, I thought it would happen someday!!!!

Angela said...

Awww look at that cute little fig! We actually have a fig tree so, ya know if you ever want to take a long drive. ;)

Hafsa said...

This post made me smile.