I really had not planned on being an adopted blogger. And when I was 'selected' through prayer by last month's blogger, my knee-jerk reaction was to politely decline the offer. "I am so touched! Thank you so much, but since we are not currently trying to conceive or adopt, I think we should choose somebody else." "Somebody who stands a chance," would have been the subtext of that reply.
Instead, I stopped myself from replying right away. I prayed on it. Do I still long for children? Yes. Do I believe the Holy Spirit knows better than I do? Sometimes :) (I'm a stubborn thing.) Do I believe the power of prayer has the potential to work not just in the here and now, but for all of eternity? Absolutely.
And so, here is my brief introduction. (Let it go without saying that I thank you immensely for the gift of your prayers this month of September.)
Married August 19th, 2006. The day our family became two is the day we started trying to make it more. A cursory look through My Story will give you an idea of the amount of Drs, diagnoses, tests, and treatments undergone through the years, spanning from the NY/NJ/PA area out to the midwest, down to Florida, and long-distance to California and Ireland. Devastating as it was, and I mean in no way to downplay a woman's desire for pregnancy... but missing out on pregnancy was never my heart's cause to break. The inability to adopt and foster has instead been the nail in my coffin.
I now know, looking back on many of these years of trying to become a mother, that the absolutely insane mission I was on had more to it than just a woman's inherent yearning to nurture her children. It was fueled by another cross, but regardless of how full I kept my tank, the car eventually broke down altogether. I once wrote about following God's GPS system to get to my destination, rather than relying on my own. Now I understand, there's no GPS when you get out of the car and continue your journey on foot. The Holy Spirit is my map.
While I continue to stumble and falter along the way, I do very much still hope that children may be a part of this life here below. In 7 years of trying, never having conceived, and never having been "pregnant on paper," sometimes I surprise myself that there is any hope left at all. I am not sure I've encountered a bleaker outlook. But the hope remains.
This month's pick as Adopt-a-Blogger is divinely timed, indeed. I ask for your prayers that God continue to surprise us, continue to bless our marriage, and continue to lead us closer to Him in all things. And if it be His will, that He may, against ALL ODDS, lead us to our children someday.