Thursday, April 11, 2013

Divine Mercy- Part III

Read Part I here
and Part II here

Our lawyer discussed different types of domestic adoption options, and said she was thinking that a private adoption may be our route of choice, rather than waiting for an agency placement.

Her next question made us chuckle a bit (I'm pretty sure we chuckled about it well after the fact, because at this point, we were still in a daze... the best analogy I can think of, which will surely be appreciated in this circle, is that I felt like I was staring at my very first POSITIVE home pregnancy test.  It was shocking, yes, but the happiness was beginning to bubble over into a stupor of giddiness, balanced by a deep and underlying fear of "this can't be real, it must be wrong, the labs haven't confirmed it," and "it may not last...")

With all of these emotions coursing through my veins, I was somehow still able to process her question when she asked,

"You both seem pretty involved in your community.  Tell me, ... do you have lots of... connections?"

Again Mr TCIE took the reigns on this one,

"Well, Amy has a really popular {he said it, not me!} blog that she's had for years!  She knows people all over the country."

"Really?  Oh, that's wonderful - what is your blog about?"

Without even thinking, I reached into my wallet and took out one of my blog cards and handed it over...

"Oh, how exciting, thank you for sharing this with me, I look forward to checking it out!"

(While I quickly tried to remember if I needed to rush home and edit any older posts... Have I mentioned our lawyer is young and beautiful, and one of the sweetest people I've met?  ;)  ;)  )

We continued to discuss the steps involved in a) obtaining the home study, and b) identifying potential situations, and she just sounded so positive and fully convinced that it was hard to not "go there" right along with her.  But, part of me held back.  OK, a lot of me held back.  I just couldn't fully embrace this new hope she was laying down in front of us.  (I wasn't able to identify it at the time, but a few days later, it began to make sense.)

We finished the meeting with her promising to reach out to a local home study agency to present our case and see if they would be willing to work with us.

When we left the office, we were floating.  Not on cloud 9... if cloud 9 is euphoria, we were on cloud 6, disbelief of good fortune.  We drove silently to dinner, began to talk a little over dinner, and then headed to a Beach Boys' concert (my in-laws had invited us a while ago).  In retrospect, we laughed about the timing of the concert and how it was a good thing we got positive news, since we couldn't imagine how awful it would be to hear we could not adopt and then sit through 2 hours of falsetto singing about cars and girls and surfing.  But actually, it turned out to be a great day!

All weekend, despite our most valiant efforts, our hopes began to climb.  But at the same time, we also felt... like this:

(I love that stove.  So not the point here, but anyway.)

On Monday, we heard back.  The agency was willing to work with us... but would like to wait until the probation is complete.

Okay, so I know this isn't the end of the world... but hearing this made me feel like this little girl.  Or maybe like her mother.  Yeah, definitely like her mother, bracing herself and her loved one for a plunge she's taken too many times before.  She can't even bring herself to open her eyes... yeah.  I definitely felt like the mother.

The lawyer sensed it in my voice.  She continued to assure me that this was all good news, and that while she had hoped we could start sooner, she still thought this was a positive thing and that we could begin working on x, y, and z until then.  It wasn't hearing about the wait until October that upset me, though.  It was the sign of impending doom.  Yes, that sounds dramatic, but have you not been reading this blog through the years?  That's how we roll over in the TCIE house.  All drama.  All the time.  It's better than Lifetime.

She told me that the counselors at the infertility and adoption center had told her that many couples going through infertility and adoption problems have a kind of post-traumatic stress, and that it is very difficult for them to believe good news when they hear it because of their histories.  Bingo.  That made complete and utter sense to me.  Trauma?  Check.  Stress?  Check.  The post- part... I hope to God so.

Since that time, Mr TCIE and I have encountered a few more snafus (I'm sorry this story isn't ending with us skipping out of the lawyer's office holding the baby from the safe in the back), which have once again threatened our future with adoption, and this week has been all over the place in terms of my emotional status.  But late last night, while crying and praying myself to sleep, Mr TCIE said, "You know what?  I'm taking the bull by the horns, now.  It's time we make our own happiness."  

I'm not quite sure what that means.  But it certainly sounds better than more suffering.  I'm so done with the suffering.  Have I not mastered it, yet???

So the plan now is to continue moving forward, getting a plan in place for a checklist of things to complete from month to month... and in the meantime, keeping eyes and ears out for any potential situations that arise. One thing I did take away was that we could "make it work" if a situation arose between now and October... of course, that's not gonna happen, but it's good to know it's a possibility, at least.

I ask for your prayers moving forward, friends.  Our road to adoption has not been easy, but we are more determined than ever.  I will not mourn the loss of adoption... no way.  We're gonna make it happen.


Thankful said...

You know you've got our prayers!!! Thanks for not making us wait long for Part III. :)

Faith makes things possible said...

Oh I have goosebumps for y'all! I love knowing that steps are happening. I love your analogy about y'all being told y'all could start the process with getting a BFP...all those emotions seem that same indeed.

I know it's not easy to simply do it, but please of please hold onto that hope and know you have my prayers throughout all this!!!

AHHH!!!!! You're starting the process...can we please take moment, no matter how unsure we about all the hows and the whys and the whens and the wheres, to celebrate the news this far and do a little happy dance? ;)


January said...

Every one of these posts has made me tear up a little (yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve). I'm praying that you and Mr. TCIE kick inadoption's butt!

barbie said...

Yeah baby!!!!!

Kat said...

I am with FMTP let's do a happy dance for Mr. And Mrs. TCIE! Seriously this is awesome news! You are starting the process! I am praying and hoping for y'all! Thank you for giving us part III so soon :)

Anonymous said...

Heck yeah. So, so happy for y'all!!! I'll let you know if any "situations" arise, for sure!

Unknown said...

Praying for you.... Positive outlook coupled with your beautiful faith, your unstoppable!

Rebecca said...

Happy Dance - check :). Prayers - check :). Hoping right along with you - check :)!

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

The BFP analogy-I think you are spot on. I really don't know what to say.....I can't wait to watch this unfold!

Anonymous said...

Great news!! A very big hug for both of you.

Jeani said...

Woohoo! It will work. I've been to the other side twice with adoption, but it will work! I'm there already :)

St. Rita's Roses said...

wholly molly lady! time to put up that paypal money donations thingy on ur blog to start saving money for ur adoption!

Sarah said...

Since no one else has said it, I'm going to:

I would read through all your old posts and try to imagine how a birthmother would feel reading them. I remember a couple of posts about the bmom "not have a pot to piss in" that I know were coming from a place of pain and frustration, but a bmom might not read them so generously. Most infertile parents who pursue adoption have such thoughts from time to time; I know I do, so no judgment from me. But if I were a bmom, I would feel pretty judged by those posts.

I really, really do hope and pray that this path works out for your family!

Unknown said...

That is soo exciting! Private adoption is the way my neighbors went and they have a beautiful little girl now. :)

Ania said...

Soooooo happy to hear this Amy!

Anyone else out there think Amy should be the next adopt a blogger? I know she started it but I think she should be on the list!

Isaiah 55:8-9 said...

Woo-hoo!!!! I'm kinda jumping up and down over here. :) And of course, many prayers!!! :)

silverbeetle said...

Wow! You have my continued prayers!

Julie said...

This post makes me smile! You will be a mother! October will come soon!
Praying that God brings your baby to you in 2013!!

Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

AMDG! Thanks be to God! Your day will come, friend.

JellyBelly said...

Again I have to say: The timing is NOT a coincidence!

Continued prayers!

the misfit said...

Loving the comment about the Chinese ecosystem.

Wow, this is indeed a roller-coaster. But if I may say - I hope this makes sense to someone besides me...when I first got married (endo diagnosis already in hand) and I was told, "If you don't get pregnant in six months, we'll diagnose you as infertility - you're not going to wait the usual twelve to seek treatment, because of what we already know about your situation," I thought, "SIX MONTHS?! I think the world might end if it took that long to get pregnant."

And now I think, "Hey, just six months until the next stage of the process will start? That will FLY by. My porch won't even be finished by then! I'll be fifty before I know it! What are the TCIEs worried about?"

I guess what I'm saying is that this process has inured me to wasting acres of precious life. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's typical for IFers, or maybe not. But I DO know that October will be here before you know it.

I think the comment about PTSD is spot-on (you got a very knowledgeable lawyer, by the way). I have read that elsewhere, and I don't think I have the full-blown PTSD symptoms, but I know I have a lot of not-remotely-rational behaviors that I simply did not have before. (And I know some of them come from sources other than IF...sigh.) I need to make the time to go back to therapy and get myself well and truly patched up. And on that subject...did your therapist not say anything about PTSD? Surely this is something he should have caught.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

I am so excited for you! I cannot wait to see your story unfold. This is going to be an amazing story of God's perfect timing....I cannot express how happy I am that "inadoption" has become "adoption" for you and your husband. Many prayers for you both!

Carla Dobs said...

I will offer up every moment of difficulty during our adoption wait for the 3 children we are hoping to bring home from Henry's country for YOU and YOUR upcoming adoption situation!!!!!!

much love and many prayers,
Carla - Henry's mom

(Divine Mercy Hour is very meaningful to me also for many reasons, including they pulled me out of Henry's hospital room as he crashed the second time as my phone chimed to remind me of 3pm hour...i knew Henry was going home then even though he was not officially declared gone until 3:25pm)

Angela said...

Wow! Will definitely be praying in the meantime!! I think the time will go faster than you think! This is just great news!

Rae said...

Oh my, praying for you!! ...This post brought me right back to our first meeting with an adoption attorney. I'll be checking your blog-- Hugs and best wishes!!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I'm way behind on blog reading, but I couldn't NOT read this part III update! Count on my prayers!
I love Mr. TCIE's "take no more bull" attitude! And your determination to not give up adoption!
We will pray you through this!