I have so many thoughts swimming around in my noggen, and yet haven't been able to post a single one of them. Mostly due to the fact that I can't make heads or tails of them.
I was originally planning a post entitled "Sandy," to discuss some of the aftermath of the hurricane (one of which being that our Monday Oct 29th "something" was cancelled and has not yet been revisited), but once I wrote the title of the draft, I just drew a complete blank. It was a good idea, in theory. Sandy, being the name of the hurricane that thwarted our plans, wreaked a heap of devastation on thousands upon thousands of people, oh, and demolished an 1873 Victorian playhouse in our backyard - as well as an accurate description of my thoughts, my current goal of emotional and physical "rebooting," in the midst of obstacles and barriers. "Sandy" was the title. But the content... was empty.
I must have sat at the computer for a full 3 minutes (which, trust me, is a long time to sit and stare at a computer screen) trying to form my thoughts before finally giving up. I had other, more productive things to do than force words out of my keyboard.
It made me angry. I used to enjoy blogging, and now, I just couldn't seem to make sense of anything. So instead of blogging, I took the pressure off of myself and my thoughts, and allowed them to argue amongst themselves for a while.
In the end, I am still confused. But now, I think I can at least understand why.
You see, I have gotten so used to being childless, that I have almost grown to rely upon it. It's difficult for me to envision life as a mother, not so much because it is painful, but because from a factual standpoint, I just don't see how it would ever come to be. And if it did... I'm terrified of the results.
Yes, you read that right. For 6 1/2 years I've done nothing but work tirelessly, paving any road I could to reach my dream, the only dream I've ever held so intensely... and now I'm terrified of the idea of it actually happening.
For starters, what would our family dynamic be like? I've come to rely upon the fact that I earn the steady, reliable income in our household, and if there were children to raise... who would raise them?? Would we need to change our entire outlook on parenting in order to make it work? Would I need to continue working full-time or more? Would DH continue working? Would the lives we've worked so hard to build for ourselves come toppling down?
Most days, I'm not even sure I want children anymore. There. I said it. And I'm going to do my best not to delete it by the time I hit "publish." As I'm trying to fall asleep at the end of a hectic day, or while relaxing on a Sunday afternoon, or while enjoying some wine and cheese at a party, I often think about how those moments would be destroyed if there were children in the picture. Not to mention all the other things in our house that would be destroyed. Expensive things. Irreplaceable things. Things I like. A lot.
Sounds awfully selfish, doesn't it? Yeah. To me, too.
Then... there's the moment. Admittedly these days, they are few and far between.
The moment when I remember the ache. When my heart jumps into my throat, and then falls like a stone into my stomach.
This particular moment came as I was struggling with the idea that maybe I was thankful, and dare I say even happy to not have children... and suddenly a picture text pops up on my phone. A picture of a dear blogger friend, holding the 2nd child of another blogger friend while her own 2nd child looks on in wonder.
And I lost it.
Hence, the confusion.
I think my mind is fighting my heart. And I think overall, my mind is winning. I don't know for sure if I really *don't* want children anymore, or at least right now... or if this is a very strategic defense mechanism put in place by my own subconscious mind. Maybe in an effort to a) protect me from going insane, b) avoid living in constant pain, and c) prepare for the most logical outcome to my life which would clearly be childless - my mind has developed patterns of thought that actually repel the desire for screaming, tantrum-throwing, bratty, dirty, messy kids.
But if so... is it working? And more importantly... do I want it to work??
I suppose life would be easier if I didn't want children. And those "moments" may eventually stop coming altogether.
When I look into my future... it is a void. And the scariest part is that doesn't scare me.