I have this ache in my heart. You know the one.
Except this time, it's not for motherhood. Well, yes, that's always there, but lately, I seem to be yearning for something... new.
I have been in the same ol' routine for quite some time now. Same ol' waking up at 5:00am, getting home at 5:00pm, and if I'm lucky, having an actual conversation with my husband. It's old, people.
I love the work I do. But I don't love my routine. I don't love spending 2.25 hours (at minimum) in my car every day.
I crave something exciting, something fresh! Especially with Autumn now officially here, I need to feel alive and rejuvenated as the earth around me begins to die. I may be the only person in the world who not only doesn't love Autumn - but actually truly dislikes it. Its one redeeming quality for me is the food. Mmmmm, butternut squash and root vegetables, chili and pumpkin. But... I don't think eating my way through the season will satisfy my desires.
I feel stuck. Right now, as I've mentioned, my income is the only one that is steady and reliable. When DH gets paid, it is not steady. He has been looking for a steady-income job for almost 2 years, now. No one wants to hire a convicted "felon." (And no one wants to adopt a child out to one, either.) If I were to take a step back and find what it really is that my soul is searching for right now, we wouldn't be able to stay on our feet. We have 8 more months before DH finishes his Health Coach Training program... then the issue will be getting the clients.
This is hard. It's also a source of added tension in our marriage. I try my best not to be resentful of DH - I KNOW he is doing what he can to get work. And he has the added stress of feeling like he cannot provide for his family, despite his repeated efforts and repeated rejections based on preconceptions of who he really is. I cannot imagine if I were to be told, over and over again, that I would not be given a chance to prove myself because of some stupid thing that I was accused of doing 3 years ago. I cannot fathom what that does to a person's self-esteem. One of the lowest times in my life was when I was without a job AND childless. But my time only lasted a few months.
Something new. Something empowering. Something healing.
Oh, how we need it.