This is tough.
Reaching a point in our journey where we needed to let go of trying so hard, and transform all of that hope for our desires into a desire for hope only in the Lord was no easy feat. But I do feel good about the place we are now, spiritually.
My body has become so predictable, so regular, that I truly feel the connection between mind, body, and spirit every day. This is such a blessing, in more ways than one, especially for the girl with an absolutely horrendous case of PCOS. But this predictability and intuition of what my body needs... it comes at a cost.
Almost the minute after I ovulate, I know. I can feel the slight soreness of breasts. A couple of days later, I will usually get a small pimple. As the days continue to pass, I'll notice 1-2 days of constipation. The breasts getting slightly more sore. I begin to feel just generally "icky." After the first week has passed, everything takes it up a notch. Emotional symptoms begin around this time. And I honestly believe the emotional symptoms are reactionary.
All of these symptoms I just listed may go unnoticed to the average woman. Reading them all at once sounds like I have horrible PMS... but these symptoms are so mild, especially in comparison to how they were when I was on meds, that with the exception of the increase of breast soreness, they are almost indetectable. Except to me.
And that's why the emotional symptoms seem to be reactionary. My body is SO predictable now, that I know in my heart of hearts when my period, another period, a loss of another cycle, is approaching. And I carry that knowledge around with me for about 11 days each and every month. It is not premenstrual syndrome I am experiencing. Rather, it is passing motherhood sadness. It is what I try, but cannot, avoid in this life. It is what I try, but cannot, avoid in this cross. With each of these symptoms comes a silent but constant reminder that I am passing motherhood by. Not the other way around. And being always aware of this for 11 days each month brings with it a great sadness. The sadness is the burden.
I hear my body speaking to me... for 11 days, it echoes the refrain in my head: "You are not pregnant." It wants pregnancy. It needs pregnancy. It prepares for it each and every month. And these physical symptoms are the aches and pains of my body not getting what it needs. My mind and spirit don't know how to satiate these needs, and so I begin to feel their emotional aches and pains. Everything is imbalanced. Fighting, and dying. Every day. For 11 days. Every month of passing motherhood.
I wish it was easier. I wish my body could understand what my mind does. This cycle of my body building up and crashing, building up, and crashing, over and over, is not a roller coaster ride. It's more like a tractor revving its engine, to do its job (what it was designed to do), and ultimately dying. At a certain point you wonder why it keeps trying to start the engine. Or another analogy that's floating around my head is of a lonely wife at home, yearning for her husband to come back, spending hours cleaning and cooking, prepping the dinner table, lighting the candles, dressing in her finest outfit... but her husband never does come home. And she is always crushed to realize he's off with another woman. It's contrary to nature. It's heartbreaking. But why does that wife continue to cook and clean, prep and dress, night after night?
My body hasn't picked up on reality. And so for the remainder of my procreative years, I will need to find a way to survive this PMS, accepting it as my body, mind, and spirit's way of hoping against hope, never giving up until biology says so. Passing Motherhood Sadness will need to be the base of this cross I embrace, as I move forward on this journey.