Wait... why do I have a blog?? :)
I have had so many opportunities lately to offer up suffering and anxiety for my Prayer Buddy. I hope she's been feelin' it!
Most recently, we had another (long overdue) marital session with our therapist on Saturday. As always, very eye-opening and affirming. I ask for your continued prayers for our marriage, and for the next steps on our journey. We actually brought the therapist to tears at the end of the session, as he marveled at what our future could become. The possibilities are endless... but the road is long. We are currently praying through Lent to be open to whatever and WHEREVER God may choose to lead us next. As a planner - this truly brings me to my knees. I am nothing. I am letting go.
Speaking of letting go, lots of things over the past week have angered me. Anger seems to come on quickly and then fade, these days. I used to stay mad for
Cycle wise (do I even deserve to call it by this name if I'm not actually using it as such??), I am beyond frustrated. No, seriously. Beyond it. I passed frustration last year, and now it's a thing of the past. Since I'm not charting, all I know is that my period arrived 3 Sundays ago. (I only remember this because we had another P+18 and no AF and NO MEDS fiasco. I'm sorry for keeping all that excitement from you.) And so, time wise, I assumed I'd be ovulating this past weekend. Except not only has mucus been MIA, so have my oh-so reliable "You Have Ovulated" symptoms (sore breasts, bloating). With constant access to ultrasound, it would be sooooo easy to just take a sneak peek and see what the heck is going on in my ovaries... but then that would imply that I care. Yeah. Of course I care. But I don't want to care. And I'm sticking to this. It's like my Lenten piece of chocolate cake (never really been a fan of chocolate cake). I will not fall into the temptation.
I've resolved that if my cycles become crazy and possibly anovulatory again, then I will ask for bloodwork after Easter, to see how bad my PCOS is currently.
Guess I needed meds, after all. I just
I often think how much easier it would be if I had had a disease that required an oophorectomy or hysterectomy. But this cross has never been about "easy." Wouldn't be much of a cross, then, would it?
I was talking to my mom earlier this evening, and she mentioned that she was worrying (it's what Melancholic moms do best) aloud to my sister the other day about me and DH, saying that she just didn't understand why we had to keep suffering so much. She said, "And it's not just the infertility. It's EVERYTHING." Many aspects I've never mentioned on this blog. Before I could answer her, she said that this weekend's readings and homily put it all in perspective for her, a new perspective that she's not used to holding for herself.
Letting go of plans. Letting go of the way you envisioned your life to be. Letting go of the drive to fill desires so strong they keep you up at night. All night. Every night. Lying awake in the awful silence of an empty house... realizing that the love of allowing God to work in you however He sees fit is a much greater love than you could ever find by becoming what you want most in the world.
I am working on it, Lord. Help me.