Monday, March 5, 2012

Offering It Up

Oh, so many things to write about... and no way to get all my thoughts out on any one thing in a cohesive manner.

Wait... why do I have a blog?? :)

I have had so many opportunities lately to offer up suffering and anxiety for my Prayer Buddy. I hope she's been feelin' it!
Most recently, we had another (long overdue) marital session with our therapist on Saturday. As always, very eye-opening and affirming. I ask for your continued prayers for our marriage, and for the next steps on our journey. We actually brought the therapist to tears at the end of the session, as he marveled at what our future could become. The possibilities are endless... but the road is long. We are currently praying through Lent to be open to whatever and WHEREVER God may choose to lead us next. As a planner - this truly brings me to my knees. I am nothing. I am letting go.

Speaking of letting go, lots of things over the past week have angered me. Anger seems to come on quickly and then fade, these days. I used to stay mad for days (oh, who am I kidding) months. Now I just find it silly to stay mad about something trivial. This is such a grace. From where it came, I do not know, but keep up the good work, Prayer Buddy o' mine!

Cycle wise (do I even deserve to call it by this name if I'm not actually using it as such??), I am beyond frustrated. No, seriously. Beyond it. I passed frustration last year, and now it's a thing of the past. Since I'm not charting, all I know is that my period arrived 3 Sundays ago. (I only remember this because we had another P+18 and no AF and NO MEDS fiasco. I'm sorry for keeping all that excitement from you.) And so, time wise, I assumed I'd be ovulating this past weekend. Except not only has mucus been MIA, so have my oh-so reliable "You Have Ovulated" symptoms (sore breasts, bloating). With constant access to ultrasound, it would be sooooo easy to just take a sneak peek and see what the heck is going on in my ovaries... but then that would imply that I care. Yeah. Of course I care. But I don't want to care. And I'm sticking to this. It's like my Lenten piece of chocolate cake (never really been a fan of chocolate cake). I will not fall into the temptation.

I've resolved that if my cycles become crazy and possibly anovulatory again, then I will ask for bloodwork after Easter, to see how bad my PCOS is currently.

Guess I needed meds, after all. I just hope pray I don't need to go back on any long-term ones again.

I often think how much easier it would be if I had had a disease that required an oophorectomy or hysterectomy. But this cross has never been about "easy." Wouldn't be much of a cross, then, would it?

I was talking to my mom earlier this evening, and she mentioned that she was worrying (it's what Melancholic moms do best) aloud to my sister the other day about me and DH, saying that she just didn't understand why we had to keep suffering so much. She said, "And it's not just the infertility. It's EVERYTHING." Many aspects I've never mentioned on this blog. Before I could answer her, she said that this weekend's readings and homily put it all in perspective for her, a new perspective that she's not used to holding for herself.

Letting go of plans. Letting go of the way you envisioned your life to be. Letting go of the drive to fill desires so strong they keep you up at night. All night. Every night. Lying awake in the awful silence of an empty house... realizing that the love of allowing God to work in you however He sees fit is a much greater love than you could ever find by becoming what you want most in the world.

I am working on it, Lord. Help me.


Rebecca said...

Letting go. It is so so hard. Go you for not wanding yourself though!!! (Ok, and logistically, that can't be easy...).


The letting go and letting God. I'm working on it too friend, and somehow, someway He keeps reminding us, step by step that it's what He wants. It is definitely not easy, but if Jesus can carry His cross with the help of Simeon, I can carry mine with the help of Him.

He is helping you too. I know it. I have such hope for you and for your DH, and just for all of it.

Your marriage is in my prayers every day. I pray for a beautiful Easter resurrection for you.

Catholic Mutt said...

Know that I will be praying for you and your husband specifically tomorrow morning early, early in the morning. The silent house stinks, I agree.

More Than Anything said...

Just knowing what I do know, I agree with your mom. I wonder why you must suffer? But I have to remember we are not in control. (Because if I did control things, you would have 10 babies by now!!!)

God is in control and he loves you. Praying for you and Mr. TCIE.

JellyBelly said...

Letting go is so tough, especially when you're used to doing the exact opposite.

Continued prayers for you, my friend!

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

*hugs* praying always for you.

Julie said...

So sorry for all you have to go through over and over. I sit in my doctors waiting room right now to fix some hormonal issues (not fertility related) that have been ruining my life for about 20 years! I will offer up this cross for you today!

the misfit said...

I would find this whole trusting in God's love thing easier if I could have an affidavit from Him saying that He HATES the people who wanted the same things I wanted - and got them. I'm not asking for mercy; just justice. But I guess it is His business. At least, when I look at you, I see that holiness can be the fruit of all this unpleasantness.

Patiently Waiting...... said...

You remain so inspiring, TCIE. I have found that lately I have focused less on my own pain and more on the pain that I am causing others (my husband, my parents, my close friends, etc.) But, that is where carrying this cross with grace and strength can reflect our love and trust in God and his perfect plans.

Your marriage journey will be added to my prayer intentions.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Praying for you and your husband and your marriage ... and for God's will to be done. You are my inspiration in Letting Go and Letting God. If you can, I can. :-)
Know that you are in my prayers. I wish that your cross wasn't so heavy.

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

@ misfit...

when I wrote that line about love, I actually meant it as our love for God ;)

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Praying for you, your husband, your dreams & aspirations.

Made For Another World said...

I think C.S. Lewis has a quote about how prayer doesn't change God's desires, it changes ours. And boy does that take time. Those nights laying awake are long. The fruits of your suffering will be revealed to you at some point (hopefully on this side of heaven). And I just know the fruits you are bearing by cooperating with God are vast and good. I'm praying for you and your husband.

sweet jane said...

I'm praying for your most beautiful journey.

Lianna said...

"realizing that the love of allowing God to work in you however He sees fit is a much greater love than you could ever find by becoming what you want most in the world." Yes. And each day seeking the greater understanding of what it is that He sees fit. Thank you for these insights.