Time flies when you're childless.
I keep meaning to sit down and write a blog post, but things just keep coming up. Sorry to leave you all hanging (I'm sure you were all holding your breath waiting for an update ;) )
DH was in the ER on Friday. He was having chest pains since late Wednesday, and made a cardiology appointment for Friday morning. It got "better" enough for him to not go immediately to the hospital, but then it got bad again on Thursday night. He actually started saying his goodbyes to me as he tucked me into bed Thursday. I didn't mean to laugh, but... it was kinda funny ;) He didn't die (obviously) and went to the appointment on Friday, and the cardiologist suspected pericarditis, an inflammation around the heart due to a virus. He scheduled DH for an echocardiogram Tuesday and sent him home with a prescription for Motrin.
On his way home, a car cut him off and his father (who was driving) had to stop short. This caused increased pain, and DH called the cardiologist who told him to return to the ER, and get further testing. This in turn caused TCIE to get a little worried. After several hours waiting for the labs and chest x-ray results to come back, we got the news that there was no need to stay at the hospital, that everything looked ok, and it was, again, likely pericarditis which would be helped with his Motrin prescription.
Crazy day. While I was definitely worried, I did also feel a strong sense of peace during the whole thing. That is not usually the way I react to things, so I'm thinking that my prayer life has led me to a place of greater trust. For that, I have infertility to thank.
I've been thinking a lot about how much our infertility has done for us. I can't help but think that I need to be more grateful for this gift God has given us - the chance to do His will, even if we don't understand it, and to bring light out of darkness. I've gone to so many shrines, asked so many Saints for their intercession, prayed so many Novenas... thinking that the answer to our prayer is "just around the corner," when in actuality, we are living the answer. Have I ever thanked the Saints? Thanked God?
The readings at Mass this week were, as usual, so intricately linked to our present struggles. It was another reminder that when God calls us, we need to answer that call and live it out. I am SO THANKFUL that He has called me to this life - this life of struggle, of pain, of sorrow - and has given me the opportunity to do His will through the cross.
It really hit home during the Presentation of the Gifts, when the congregation sang "The Summons." As I texted All You Who Hope late last night, I immediately recollected her blog post years ago about this very song, and how appropriate it is to any cross, particulary infertility with its intrinsic humility-factor. I completely lost it trying to sing the fourth verse:
"Will you love the 'you' you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?"
I don't usually make resolutions. But I know in my heart that I need to live these words. I've been working so hard, living out the 3rd and 4th line - using my infertility and my struggles to reach out and help those around me, letting God use me as He sees fit. It's the 1st and 2nd line of this verse that caused me to choke up and have no voice.
Will you love the you you hide...? I've shown my humiliation, I've revealed it to the outside world... but that's not enough. I need to love what humiliates me so.* Every part of it. Because it is a part of the body of Christ. In our weakness we are made perfect.
Will you quell the fear inside...? Fear. It seems to be built into every fiber of this journey of childlessness. Fear of the diagnosis. Fear of the treatment not working. Fear of not being able to adopt. Fear of how long it's going to take. Fear of the unknown.
But He has called my name. And so I must respond by loving, and trusting without fear.
Thank you, almighty God and Father, for allowing me to continue learning and growing in faith through this cross.
* Here was my original comment on AYWH's blog post. I went back and read the comments after writing this post, and it's funny how even back then, I knew what I had to do...
"Wow, I haven't sung that since HS... and the words probably meant nothing to me, then!
I especially like the part, "Will you love the 'you' you hide if I but call your name?" I think the me I hide is the infertile me, not infertile in the can't get pg sense, but all aspects- not able to do things I think I should be able to do. I do not love that me.
But God is calling me to love that me."