Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Stress and Sadness... and Blessings

Things have been spiraling out of control around here. Everything, from work, to infertility, to finances, to friends and family... the one thing holding fast is our marriage. By the grace of God, despite the warnings that Advent would put us through the wringer, we are stronger than ever. Prayer Buddy, don't think I don't realize how much you must be praying your little TAIL off!! Thank you!

But then this leads me back to all the other areas - mostly work, and infertility. I have had the worst work week of my life last week, working through the weekend, and started to feel sick Sunday night. It was bound to happen, but this is my WORST NIGHTMARE!!!! I CANNOT GET SICK!!! The only other people who can "fill in" for me are the Drs at the Centers where I work, and when they have a full schedule already, it really isn't feasible. Not to mention, different people measure differently, and FORGET about cancelling all patients for the day - I would have ruined at least three women's entire ultrasound series if I had cancelled. So... basically, I cannot take a sick day. Talk about stress.

So, instead, I sleep in past my alarm and wind up an hour and a half late to my first job. I had to call the first patient to let her know I was running late, and thankfully, the Dr was able to do her ultrasound before his first appointment for the day. Then, I swapped appointment times with the 2nd patients, and ended up only 15 minutes late for the 3rd appointment. Not to mention, I was in a complete daze. I felt like I had taken Dayquil, I was so out of it. I was coughing, sneezing, probably looked like death warmed over but I refused to look in the mirror.

When I finally got a moment to breathe, I went to ask the nurse if my P+8 labs had come back. Which leads me to stress #2: infertility. Remember how my progesterone levels and estradiol levels were through the roof last cycle? And how I figured, oh great, no need to supplement progesterone any more! Looks like my body doesn't like the sudden absence of supplementation, because my progesterone was TEN. Yes, 10. And estradiol was 171. It's amazing how the mind has power over the body, because almost immediately when she gave me the results, I started to feel crampy.

And that's where I am, now. Crampy, moody, and oh so SAD. I realize that come January, there will be no more "trying," at least, actively, to conceive. I made an appointment for myself with my NaPro Dr on Thursday, to discuss the long-term plan for wellbeing and no meds (if possible). I just cannot keep paying $45/month for progesterone, pay such close attention to when P+3 is, etc. for the remainder of my cycling years. At the same time, if a pregnancy were to miraculously occur, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I miscarried and I could have prevented it. I need to see what the Dr thinks.

Seriously... 10???? Give me a BREAK, here!!!

This week is so hard, in so many ways. But I have been counting my blessings that my marriage is on the way up, and healing is taking place. Last night, we were watching White Christmas, and one of the songs had these lyrics:

"If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings"

(I ignored the lyrics about the nursery with all the curly heads in their beds.)

It's hard to see my blessings, and I find myself getting depressed wondering why I have to be content to have the blessing of a healing marriage when so many of my friends have a marriage that was never challenged to begin with, AND a house full of children's laughter, AND financial security, etc. etc. But then I realize just how much my husband and I have been through, and continue to go through, every day. It surely is a blessing that we have made it this far, and that we are carrying these crosses together. When I remember the huge blessing in that, I always say a prayer for those single people out there, searching and hoping for the chance to find someone to help them carry their cross.

Please say a prayer for me this week, if you can... as I prepare to welcome yet another period just in time to celebrate Christmas. Irony appears to be the glue that holds my life together.


Catholic Mutt said...

Definitely praying for you, both for this week and for the decisions that you are making right now! It's a tough week for sure. You can't help but hope for something to change at the last minute to make it so that this is the Christmas that's finally different, but then nothing does and it's another Christmas of infertility/singleness, whatever the case may be. Know that when it's hitting me this week, I'll be praying for you!

imusthaveprayedforpatience said...

Praying for you. I will be interested in what your doctor says. I have wondered what it would require to just take necessary meds and stop all the trying. It is exhausting.

Rebecca said...

You are in my prayers, instead of feeling the brightening light of Christmas, the darkness only seems to be settling in around me and I will be offering my dark days up for you.

I am continuing to pray specifically for your marriage - IF takes so so much from us that we have no control over, when I realize how much strain it places on marriages, I find myself drawn to pray for strength and healing of our most important earthly bonds. It is through our marriages that we are able to exemlpify AND be witness to the love of Christ, of dying to self for another...in no other relationship, even the relationship with a child, are we called to submit our individual self into a new "two have become one" and IF calls us to this at such a high level it is almost unbearable.
Prayers that you feel and experience true peace in the coming days, that somehow the Light is able to penetrate your sadness and stress and that St. Michael defends you in this battle.

Molly M. said...

I have felt called to pray for you during the St. Anthony novena and so as I say the prayers daily, you have been ever present in my mind. I'll add some more.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

You are always in my prayers, friend!! That is odd that your progesterone varied so much from month to month. Does your doc know why that would happen?

I'm so happy to hear of the strength of your marriage. That is a great blessing amid the struggles!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you to get through Christmas and on to a New Year...

the misfit said...

"Irony appears to be the glue that holds my life together."

Yes. I fervently hope that there is some rapt audience somewhere, laughing uproariously at the often (to me) unfunny events of my life.

Also, this is not news to you, but YOU CANNOT WORK SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. You need rest. I think you're a person who never says no, but you need to tell your bosses that you have to cut back to at least no more than 6 days and 60 hours a week (which is too much to do regularly either). I understand that your canceling would ruin patients' cycles, but your employers create this Hobson's choice after you let them assume that you will work until you die so that they don't have to make demands on anyone else or hire another person to do the work of two people that you're doing. You cannot destroy your health for the sake of that of paying clients. It's not self-sacrifice, it's self-harm.

(I'm not just a preachy know-it-all, either - being a lawyer, I've worked with lots of people who are hurting themselves because they feel they must. Law isn't essential like medicine, but this is never OK. I had a coworker who slept so little she started blacking out on her drive home. Sounds like you're getting near that point. What do you say if you hit a carful of people because you're asleep at the wheel? "I'm sorry, I couldn't postpone someone's ultrasound series"? Sleep is NOT optional.)

Glad to hear your marriage is doing better, but I'm sorry everything else is still crap. I hear you about the counting the blessings when I know there are people who can count for dozens before they even reach the ones I have to start with. But I also know people who would love to have my problems.

And, I'm p+13 today. Since I'm finally on HCG again, CD1 will no doubt be super-late. Which would be less worse: CD1 on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, or being p+18 on Christmas Day and having to listen to myself think, "Maybe God sent me a Christmas miracle"? ARGHHHHH.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Praying for you! I second what Misfit said about taking care of you ... and I know how hard that can be. I am the same way ... but hopefully if other people tell you, you will listen (that's the way I work).
I'm SO glad your marriage is stronger, but oh, the cost ... infertility does so much damage.
I know that you have put God in control, but I know that ending treatment is a big, hard step. I've been considering it myself and it scares me ... so many emotions.
You're not far from my thoughts!

Nicole C said...

Definitely always in prayer here. So hope your week gets better, and you can enjoy the rest of Advent and Christmas!

JellyBelly said...

You know I got your back (for goodness sakes you've seen my insides)!

Love you and I'm continuing to pray for you!

Faith makes things possible said...

I have found the same thing...through all the chaos that is happening around me (life in general, IF, family drama, etc...) my marriage has grown stronger and stronger.

I'm going to count my blessings...especially in the not so great times...like now.

Praying for you.

the misfit said...

I would also like to add: I am aware that I am a preachy know-it-all, but you know I yell because I care :). Please, please sleep more. IF is too much stress as it is! I hate to think of you wearing yourself ragged!

Ania said...

I too have a job where it's not easy to take off. I have to make up the days I miss b/c I work weekends, so I often push myself when sick to avoid the make ups. Not always a good thing either. I agree with "misfit" too, you need to make sure you're taking care of you. Prayers definitely!

Thankful said...

Oh, TCIE! Please take care of yourself. If I knew how to wand vgs I would come to give you a break. Sending a prayer up for you!

Anonymous said...


tough week at work, infertility issues, sadness and a marriage in the healing process.. that's a lot to handle.
Count on my prayers too. :)

Unknown said...

Definitely thinking of you and praying for you these next two weeks. Please know that you have someone feeling just like you (me) especially this week and beyond, and you can call me or email me anytime. Thanks again for being so awesome during my ultrasounds. Love and prayers. St. Gianna,pray for us!!

Made For Another World said...

I will also have my period for Christmas just like I had it for Thanksgiving. You are in my daily prayers. Hope you can take it easy and relax a bit over the season.

polkadot said...

What a rough week. I'm praying for you!!!! I hope you're feeling better soon!

I always have to remind myself there is value in suffering and somewhere, somehow God will bring great good from it. I know that's not much consolation when all we want is the suffering to end.


St. Rita's Roses said...

A- so sorry, we are definitely praying for you and R. I can not even imagine doing your job- I would be sooooo irritable~ Especially the days that you feel sick. Sending you hugs and lots of prayers.

Beth R said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well and I echo what everyone else has said: take care of yourself!! We are no good to those who we think rely on us to care for them if we do not first care for ourselves.

Mary said...

Visiting from The Road Home.
Just said a quick prayer for you. You know, I've been really bummed this Christmas and am on strike because of ungrateful children. But then, I remember how blessed I am that I was able to have children and I remind myself to say a quick prayer to those who aren't. May God bless you this Christmas season!

Little JoAnn said...

Merry Christmas to one of the bravest and most selfless persons I *know*

I am praying for you.

Little JoAnn