you would think... well, let's not even go there. Cuz I went there. And it didn't end pretty.
My P+7 numbers this cycle were astronomical. Higher than I've ever seen them. Higher than when I had 400mgs of progesterone nightly AND three corpus luteum.
This cycle I did take progesterone supplementation (same as always) and had two corpus lutei.
Apparently two corpus lutei on CRACK because they produced progesterone of 77.8 and estradiol of 389.
There's not even one baby in there. Today is P+15. I started my day with a big fat "Not Pregnant" announcement from my First Response Early Response.
And I cried. I cried in the car on the way to work. I cried on the phone with my hubby, who called to tell me it was ok, through his own tears. I cried at work when I realized that yes, my "Follow-Up Infertility" appointment with Dr B. tomorrow will be just that. It will not miraculously change category to a "New OB" appointment. I cried again at work when I received the email from Dr B telling me my P+7 results (I had already seen them yesterday) and how amazing they were.
And I cry now as I realize what I've always known to be true.
I will never be pregnant.
Life will go on. I'll find something to do with all of my you-will-never-be-a-mother time, and I'll learn to smile again. From time to time. I will never know true and utter happiness in this life, but God-willing, I may still find everlasting joy through the pain. The immense, unsurmountable pain that literally takes my breath away.
Today, I can't go on. Tomorrow, maybe I will find some strength.