Wow. It's been a while since I've posted.
I feel like I'm running out of things to say. There's only so many ways you can talk about infertility. I'm wondering if my readers even noticed that I hadn't posted in two weeks... because the fact certainly escaped me.
I'm beginning to realize that we all just really love a happy ending. For about two years, I had commenters telling me "I have such a good feeling about you!" and "I just know you'll be pregnant soon, I just know it!" Those comments have slowly but surely disappeared as the reality of the situation has sunk in, not just for me, but for everybody.
There's only so much you can say to someone who's been doing NaPro for 5 years (happy NaPro Anniversary to me 11-16) and has been writing about failed cycles for 3.5 years. What can you say? Especially after all the prayers have been exhausted and all the well-wishes dried up. Not only am I out of things to say... I believe so are my readers.
No, this isn't a farewell post. I'll still be here. But I am kinda starting to feel like the token barren girl in the group. I guess there has to be one that remains infertile in order for it to still be called the Catholic "Infertility" Blogs, right?
Perhaps my negative attitude has to do with this cycle. I took Femara. I took Viagra. I took Ativan, prior to intercourse as explicitly indicated on my prescription bottle ;) My lining was great. My follicles (yes, that's plural, for TWO) were great. My mucus? - what mucus? Dry, dry, dry-dry-dry. And the day of ovulation we ended up skipping.
I'm just so tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying. Tired of caring, but tired of not caring enough.
To top it off, my marriage will be going through a period of purging starting this week. I am deathly scared of the process, but cautiously optimistic of the results. The therapist is going to be working us through an INTENSE change, and I had quite an eye-opening session last week. I finally began to understand why my husband and I relate to each other the way we do. This purging has the potential to save our marriage and make it the best marriage ever. But it could also break us.
My patron Saint for this year is Eugene de Mazenod. I remember laughing when he was chosen for me at the end of the year last year, because he is a patron for dysfunctional families. Turns out - now is when I will really need his intercession the most.
Please pray for his intercession for us.