I got a brand new response on my home pregnancy test this morning. One that likely no one has ever received. It was... blank. No control line. No test line. Just a blank test, as if I hadn't even peed on it. And, before you speculate that maybe the test had expired, I checked that first and it doesn't expire until Feb. 2012.
And so, clearly, pregnancy tests everywhere have convened and collectively decided to boycott ME. I envision them all in the warehouse at night, whispering to each other, "So, if TCIE picks you up off the shelf, what are you to do?... THAAAAAAT'S right! Don't even waste your time showing her the control line. That woman is delusional, I mean, how many times do we have to tell her she's NOT PREGNANT?!! There's only so many ways we can say it! Yes, yes, I assure you, this is the kind thing to do. She is in a category of her own. She'll get the picture."
(Just an FYI, about 15 minutes later, I did see the faintest of control lines, so don't go getting your hopes up that the test was faulty.)
Why do I even bother testing any more? I bet you thought that was going to be a rhetorical question... but it's not.
I test because I remain hopeful. I test because if I were to be pregnant, I want to know as soon as possible, and enjoy EVERY. LAST. SECOND. of that pregnancy, no matter if it lasts 9 seconds or 9 months. I test because WHEN it's negative, it allows me to practice my new outlook on suffering (you'd think I'd be a pro by now, but I have a long way to go).
I test to show God I have not given up on Him, and that I am not going to presume I know better than Him. I'll admit it: I used to test with the expectation that it would be negative so that I could "move on," and say to God, "I told you so - I knew you wouldn't give me a child." It was an ugly thing indeed.
Now, I expect the unexpected. I prepare for the desires of my heart to be fulfilled. And if the test is negative, I turn it to positive.
Well... at least... I try :) I'll admit - I don't feel so hot this morning. The negative test wasn't a slap in the face (the huge ZIT on the face was fun to wake up to, though), but it is a warning of things to come. More PMS. Heavy, clotty period. Right around the corner.
God, give me the strength to bear it with grace.