Friday, August 5, 2011

Court, Consecration, and Crying

My anxiety is completely hormonal. I feel SO much better now, on CD 2. Like night. and. day.

I will be going on a higher dose of Naltrexone, and I'll see how that helps in this cycle. I'm not sure what dose I'll end up stopping on, but I'm starting out with 8mgs, going to 16mg, and possibly to 32mgs. My NaPro Dr said some patients even go up to 50mgs, which would be great since then I can get it filled anywhere and not just at a compounding pharmacy.

I want to kick this PMS/anxiety in the butt.

This morning (in 10 minutes, in fact), is my husband's court appointment to "settle" on the amount owed back. Unfortunately for us, the high-risk account that was opened now only has about $2,000 in it, and it was opened with $16,000. If we went forward with an actual trial, we might have been able to prove that his intent was ALWAYS to return the money, as is evidenced by his several DEPOSITS over the year he was the manager. With a good lawyer, we may have had a good shot. However, a good lawyer means good money, AND with our recent string of bad luck, the worst case scenario would be far worse than just paying the fire company thousands of dollars from our own pockets.

It makes me cringe to write those words. I just HATE that they have not only dragged my husband's (and his family's) name through the dirt, but they have also ruined our futures, and completely destroyed our finances. All for what? So that Peter Melick and George Melick could feel like big shots in town? NO ONE CARES!!!

But, we've resolved to just do whatever we need to do to put this behind us once and for all. It was a TOUGH decision, one that made us both (particularly DH) feel like we were giving up and giving in, but sometimes it takes more strength to STOP fighting than to continue fighting.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to my husband's sobs. It broke me. I hate what they have done to him.

Last night as we prayed our Consecration prayers, DH was extremely angry with God and almost refused to pray. He said "I don't even want to do this anymore!! Every single time we do the Consecration, horrible things happen to us!"

And he's right. But today when I woke up refreshed, feeling no more anxiety, and feeling spiritually renewed, I realized that it is a BLESSING that we have been given suffering during our times of intense prayer. There is no better way to pray, in my opinion, than to suffer and to suffer WELL. What a humbling blessing we've been given in this. NOT to say it was fun, exciting, or desired - but it was necessary. God makes all things new.

In the past, several times, in fact, I have offered Mary our fertility at the end of the Consecration. But last night's readings really resonated in my heart:

"In other words, we give her all that we possess both in our natural life and in our spiritual life as well as everything we shall acquire in the future in the order of nature, of grace, and of glory in heaven. This we do without any reservation, not even of a penny, a hair, or the smallest good deed. And we give for all eternity without claiming or expecting, in return for our offering and our service, any other reward than the honour of belonging to our Lord through Mary and in Mary, even though our Mother were not - as in fact she always is - the most generous and appreciative of all God's creatures."

Have I been reserving from Mary a part of my fertility? Most certainly.
Have I been expecting something in return? Highly likely.

Why should I worry? Why should I trouble myself with the hows and whys and try to figure out why on God's green earth He would NOT want us to be parents? I can see now that I have been holding back from Mary, holding steadfastly to all my stress and worry about infertility.

I will be working on putting that into her blessed hands over the next week and a half.

It's tradition to give Mary a gift, a small token as a sign of your promise to her at the end of the Consecration. Typically, I have placed flowers in front of her statue on each Feast of the Assumption (August 15th), but I am looking for other ideas for this year, to show her I REALLY mean it this time :) If you have any good ideas, please let me know!

Yesterday at the NaPro office, about an hour after I started bleeding (and, by the way, I was late and my PMS had disappeared for a few days, prompting me to test and be faced with two BFNs), a couple came in with their first pregnancy after 4 years of actively trying to conceive. It was a joyous occasion for everyone at the office, for obvious reasons, but as I performed her ultrasound it tore at my heart in a way I cannot describe. See, while this couple had been married as long as I have been, and have had infertility nearly as long, they just had their first surgery in May of this year. They conceived two months later. Hardly a comparison of apples to apples.

When I finished their exam and sent them on their way with sonograms of their beautiful 6 week old, the receptionist at our office (who suffered 10 years of infertility and 3 painful surgeries for Stage IV endo before adopting her only son) asked me how I did it: how did I greet patients day after day with a smile on my face and joy in my voice while suffering so intensely? (BTW, she knows all about our adoption issues.) I said, "Honestly, on days like today, when my period just started and I had 3 eggs washed down the drain, and finalized the fact that I will never have been pregnant in my 20s... it's a front. I don't show my inner emotions because that wouldn't be right for the patients who have cause to celebrate. I love my profession, and 27 days out of 28, my joy is real. But I do have to learn to accept the fact that God may not will for me to have children ever, and I'm working on that."

Now, there's something about a friend/co-worker/family member who knows about your infertility but has never suffered from it themselves telling you, "I'm so sorry," when they hear of your failed cycle, or a BFN, etc. It's always nice to hear the concern in their voice, and see the pain in their eyes for you.

But, it's totally different, and so much more personal, when a friend/co-worker/or family member who HAS had infertility and TRULY understands, offers you the same sentiments. The receptionist looked into my eyes, walked over, and gave me a hug. As she walked back to her desk, she wiped a tear away from her eyes which now looked anguished. I recognized in her eyes what I feel in my heart every single cycle.

And I walked into the ultrasound room, and for the first time, I cried at work.

OK, I have an update from court - DH just called and the Prosecutor has now changed his mind and asked for a FIVE year probation instead of the originally agreed upon TWO year probation. DH and his lawyer talked and decided if that is the case, they will go to court because that is the maximum amount that a charge would be on his record anyway. Perhaps this is a blessing?? Perhaps God will lead us through to a not-guilty decision??
Well, no matter what, I know we'll be ok. Jesus, I trust you. Mary, I put my worries in your hands.


Second Chances said...

Wait, so he was going to settle today but because the prosecutor wanted the max sentence, he's thinking of taking the case to court, right? Yes! I think he should get a fair trial! This could be very good!

The story about your coworker is just awesome. I love that you have her support, and even if it meant you cried at work, it's real support that allows you to express real emotions. That's a good thing.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. You have been in my prayers

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are feeling better. Though your post made me cry, you seem to have some deep peace that comes from a heavenly place. You are so strong. I hope you can conquer your PMS. That might even be a bigger miracle than getting pregnant :) I pray that the trial turn out to your family's good.

More Than Anything said...

Hopefully you'll find the right dose to kick the ass of the anxiety/pms!

I pray the court/probation works out in the best possible way for ya'll.


E said...

Oh A. There is a blessing in suffering, that we are brought closer to Christ. We join his sufferings on the Cross. It is so hard especially when we see our DH's so broken, too.

The comfort you recieved from your co-worker is a blessing, too. God was reaching out to you today.

Prayers for a successful court decision.

St. Rita's Roses said...

The story about M made me tear up. That was really beautiful. Gosh, I do not know how you work there. I really dont. You are a strong woman tcie. Wait, I am confused, you are going to trial now? Gosh, I hope this turns into a not guilty!!

I really hope the increase in naltrexone does the trick!

Molly M. said...

Keeping you and your husband in my prayers.

Made For Another World said...

So glad you feel better. I pray to God that this trial is what will bring the truth to light. Thanks for being such a great example to all of us. To suffer well- love how you put that. It's what I'm trying to do too.

Julie said...

You can't make this crap up! This is horrible! I am so sorry for what you are going through.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Although the couple in for an U/S was infertile, it is hard when surgeries work so quickly for some and not others. Although I'm not glad for your co-worker's infertility or what she's been through, I have to admit that it means so much for someone who has been / is in your shoes to just understand. What a blessing that she is there for you!
I hope and pray that your court case comes out well. It must have been scary and troubling to hear your husband cry.

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Girl- the roller coaster you are on!!! How my heart soars and chest tightens for you! I am praying you through this! HANG IN THERE. Your consecration to Mary is inspiring and not in vain.

Come on NOT GUILTY!!!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Remember, "The mouths of liars will be SHUT!" Ps 63:11. The TRUTH will be known!!!

barbie said...

It's such a blessing to get understanding from others that have walked the walk isn't it? I'm so glad she was there for you! Hope to hear some good news on the situation with your husband. Maybe a trial will be best. Praying!

Infertile Catholic said...

Praying for a good outcome of your husband's trial.

Your co-worker sounds like a wonderful support.

Thanks for posting the excerpt from your reading. I really liked it, and the message truly resonated with me.

Anonymous said...

I get a little jealous when I hear of people getting pregnant after a surgery. I had three, after all, and NOTHING. Luckily I can claim to be pain-free, which is rare for endo, so I can't be too unhappy about how it all turned out. Still...why does it work out for some people and not others?!
So hoping the trial goes quickly and comes out with a not guilty verdict for your husband!

Anonymous said...

"The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want."

A big hug.

the misfit said...

It seems like the hits never stop coming for you guys. I pray that this is a good turn for your husband's case! NJ criminal law is not my area, so I have no suggestions off the top of my head, and typically procedural and bargaining know-how and trial strategy is what counts in these things. But if there's legal research you need done (that's more what I do), tell me! I would love to be able to do something to help!

JellyBelly said...

I have had a bear of a headache all day and I offered up all of my pain for you today!

Continuing to pray!!!

doctorgianna said...

"Suffering is the best way to pray"......your blog makes me cry. It makes my heart ache. You are an amazing blogger and you chronicle an immense amount and intensity of emotion regarding infertility. Your story, insights, and prayers are to be treasured as they show the work of God within you.