My anxiety is completely hormonal. I feel SO much better now, on CD 2. Like night. and. day.
I will be going on a higher dose of Naltrexone, and I'll see how that helps in this cycle. I'm not sure what dose I'll end up stopping on, but I'm starting out with 8mgs, going to 16mg, and possibly to 32mgs. My NaPro Dr said some patients even go up to 50mgs, which would be great since then I can get it filled anywhere and not just at a compounding pharmacy.
I want to kick this PMS/anxiety in the butt.
This morning (in 10 minutes, in fact), is my husband's court appointment to "settle" on the amount owed back. Unfortunately for us, the high-risk account that was opened now only has about $2,000 in it, and it was opened with $16,000. If we went forward with an actual trial, we might have been able to prove that his intent was ALWAYS to return the money, as is evidenced by his several DEPOSITS over the year he was the manager. With a good lawyer, we may have had a good shot. However, a good lawyer means good money, AND with our recent string of bad luck, the worst case scenario would be far worse than just paying the fire company thousands of dollars from our own pockets.
It makes me cringe to write those words. I just HATE that they have not only dragged my husband's (and his family's) name through the dirt, but they have also ruined our futures, and completely destroyed our finances. All for what? So that Peter Melick and George Melick could feel like big shots in town? NO ONE CARES!!!
But, we've resolved to just do whatever we need to do to put this behind us once and for all. It was a TOUGH decision, one that made us both (particularly DH) feel like we were giving up and giving in, but sometimes it takes more strength to STOP fighting than to continue fighting.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night to my husband's sobs. It broke me. I hate what they have done to him.
Last night as we prayed our Consecration prayers, DH was extremely angry with God and almost refused to pray. He said "I don't even want to do this anymore!! Every single time we do the Consecration, horrible things happen to us!"
And he's right. But today when I woke up refreshed, feeling no more anxiety, and feeling spiritually renewed, I realized that it is a BLESSING that we have been given suffering during our times of intense prayer. There is no better way to pray, in my opinion, than to suffer and to suffer WELL. What a humbling blessing we've been given in this. NOT to say it was fun, exciting, or desired - but it was necessary. God makes all things new.
In the past, several times, in fact, I have offered Mary our fertility at the end of the Consecration. But last night's readings really resonated in my heart:
"In other words, we give her all that we possess both in our natural life and in our spiritual life as well as everything we shall acquire in the future in the order of nature, of grace, and of glory in heaven. This we do without any reservation, not even of a penny, a hair, or the smallest good deed. And we give for all eternity without claiming or expecting, in return for our offering and our service, any other reward than the honour of belonging to our Lord through Mary and in Mary, even though our Mother were not - as in fact she always is - the most generous and appreciative of all God's creatures."
Have I been reserving from Mary a part of my fertility? Most certainly.
Have I been expecting something in return? Highly likely.
Why should I worry? Why should I trouble myself with the hows and whys and try to figure out why on God's green earth He would NOT want us to be parents? I can see now that I have been holding back from Mary, holding steadfastly to all my stress and worry about infertility.
I will be working on putting that into her blessed hands over the next week and a half.
It's tradition to give Mary a gift, a small token as a sign of your promise to her at the end of the Consecration. Typically, I have placed flowers in front of her statue on each Feast of the Assumption (August 15th), but I am looking for other ideas for this year, to show her I REALLY mean it this time :) If you have any good ideas, please let me know!
Yesterday at the NaPro office, about an hour after I started bleeding (and, by the way, I was late and my PMS had disappeared for a few days, prompting me to test and be faced with two BFNs), a couple came in with their first pregnancy after 4 years of actively trying to conceive. It was a joyous occasion for everyone at the office, for obvious reasons, but as I performed her ultrasound it tore at my heart in a way I cannot describe. See, while this couple had been married as long as I have been, and have had infertility nearly as long, they just had their first surgery in May of this year. They conceived two months later. Hardly a comparison of apples to apples.
When I finished their exam and sent them on their way with sonograms of their beautiful 6 week old, the receptionist at our office (who suffered 10 years of infertility and 3 painful surgeries for Stage IV endo before adopting her only son) asked me how I did it: how did I greet patients day after day with a smile on my face and joy in my voice while suffering so intensely? (BTW, she knows all about our adoption issues.) I said, "Honestly, on days like today, when my period just started and I had 3 eggs washed down the drain, and finalized the fact that I will never have been pregnant in my 20s... it's a front. I don't show my inner emotions because that wouldn't be right for the patients who have cause to celebrate. I love my profession, and 27 days out of 28, my joy is real. But I do have to learn to accept the fact that God may not will for me to have children ever, and I'm working on that."
Now, there's something about a friend/co-worker/family member who knows about your infertility but has never suffered from it themselves telling you, "I'm so sorry," when they hear of your failed cycle, or a BFN, etc. It's always nice to hear the concern in their voice, and see the pain in their eyes for you.
But, it's totally different, and so much more personal, when a friend/co-worker/or family member who HAS had infertility and TRULY understands, offers you the same sentiments. The receptionist looked into my eyes, walked over, and gave me a hug. As she walked back to her desk, she wiped a tear away from her eyes which now looked anguished. I recognized in her eyes what I feel in my heart every single cycle.
And I walked into the ultrasound room, and for the first time, I cried at work.
OK, I have an update from court - DH just called and the Prosecutor has now changed his mind and asked for a FIVE year probation instead of the originally agreed upon TWO year probation. DH and his lawyer talked and decided if that is the case, they will go to court because that is the maximum amount that a charge would be on his record anyway. Perhaps this is a blessing?? Perhaps God will lead us through to a not-guilty decision??
Well, no matter what, I know we'll be ok. Jesus, I trust you. Mary, I put my worries in your hands.