I once wrote a paper of the same title for my college English class. It was about the symbolism of the birds in Tess of the d'Ubervilles (one of my favorite books). The birds, for Tess, are ever-present in her life, watching her grow up on her home farm, flying overhead as she "loses her innocence" to a man who steals it, and throughout her plight of journeying across England to find steady pay, find the love of her life, lose said love of her life, and surrender her soul to a life of unhappiness with the man who caused it to begin with.
(If you haven't read the book, I'm sure I've thoroughly confused you, but do take my recommendation to read it when you can.)
The gist of the paper was that, while these birds could be viewed as a source of comfort to Tess, watching over her and never leaving her side, they could also be seen as a source of mockery. Through every trial, every painful torment that took place in this young girl's life, these birds of flight were overhead, in the trees, or in the air, serving as a constant reminder of the obvious juxtaposition of THEIR freedom against HER prison. They were always out of reach, always able at any moment to fly away - so very different than Tess' reality.
For the past several years, I have known that hawks are my "sign from God" that He has not abandoned me. And for the past several months, I have seen hawks EVERYWHERE (including my week in Florida), sometimes flying right in front of my car. Today, while thinking about the PTI denial, a hawk flew just alongside my car, about 25 feet above me. I have always smiled inwardly when I receive these signs from above, and thank God for being with me in hours of darkness... but today, I remembered Tess and her birds.
Am I supposed to feel better about the terrible things that happen in my life because I know that God is with me through it all? Yes. I probably should. I know that is the logical answer of a believer in God. But I can't help feeling jaded, and like I am being mocked much like the Tess of the d'Ubervilles.
I hate to sound this way, because I know I am starting to PMS and this isn't how I feel the majority of the month. But right now, I am feeling more than a little pissed off. Why do I have to be the one who's content with seeing a hawk fly overhead??!! Why does everyone else get a great, big miracle to prove to them that God loves them and has been hearing their prayers, and I have to settle for a freaking bird???
Ugh, I truly hate myself this week of the month. I sound so completely ungrateful for the blessings of our home, our health, and the AMAZING news of DH's new job. No, I have not forgotten those. And I thank God every day for those blessings. But... what is it all worth? If I could conceive and adopt, wouldn't I trade my money and house and all material things for the one greatest gift of all- The gift of life? In a heartbeat. I would give it all up without flinching.
To steer off-topic just a bit (or maybe to gear myself back towards some good news), I got my P+7 results today, from last Monday. My NaPro Dr ran some extra tests, and here are the results:
Progesterone: 49.9 - Ok, then, I guess that answers my question as to whether extended use of progesterone can build up a resistance in your body. Clearly not.
Estradiol - 169
(So, this is HUGE. In PCOS, the LH:FSH ratio is reversed, and there is more LH in your system on a constant basis. This is why OPKs don't work well for women with PCOS. The last time I checked these hormones, my Dr said that the only thing about my bloodwork that showed I ever even had PCOS was my LH:FSH ratio. Now? IT IS NORMAL!!! I have no reversal!! The diet has worked!!!)
Testosterone and DHEA were low. The latter being low is a response to stress.
My T3/reverse T3 ratio is low, at 4.7. Optimally, Dr Hilgers likes it over 10, but they see the most obvious problems at around 2 or 3. My Dr said most women who are over 5 have no problems... again, this is caused by stress.
But gee, what do I have to be stressed about???
My Vit. D is 68, which is great and where I'd like it to stay. I take 4,000 units daily.
I'm not addressing these hormone levels (the ones that are out of range) just yet. Dr D, my California NaPro Dr who is overseeing my dietary changes and intestinal health, wants me to wait a few months after Clear Passage, and then get another FULL hormone panel done, throughout the cycle. I have no doubt my stress hormones were wonky this month.
(But then again, my DHEA has been low before... I have chronic stress.)
I may start taking a low dose of DHEA, 5 mgs. Since clearly I don't know how to de-stress. Any suggestions? Is there an over-the-counter tranquilizer?