On this, the anniversary of Humanae Vitae, the first IVF baby's birth (I kid you not, it was 10 years to the day after Humanae Vitae) and my birth...
I am not really sure how to feel.
I had a lovely surprise party on Saturday, after a trip to the spa for a haircut (I went short!), facial, and nails. All of this was planned by my amazing husband, who knew that celebrating this milestone, for me, would be bittersweet. Sweet because I have a lot to be thankful for, and as a Leo, I ADORE my birthday and celebrate it all month ;) Bitter because, well, as an infertile of 5 years, isn't it obvious? Luckily he had the foresight to plan it for the weekend I was still 29, and holding on for dear life ;)
At the advanced warning of my lovely friend polkadot over at Making God Laugh, I avoided Facebook and the blogs all day on my actual birthday (yesterday, the 25th). But... I didn't avoid my gmail... and wouldn't you know it, I got sneak attacked with a pregnancy announcement from a former infertile- now mother. Yes, I'm happy for her, and yes, she deserves the very best, but I can't help feeling slighted once again as I watch these former infertile girls grow their families exponentially as I get older and older with decreasing fertility.
So, now that my day is over and I'm officially 30... I can say I don't really know how to feel. The dread is over, so that's good. I survived. Another good thing. But I can never go back. I will never be a mother in my 20s.
I hate sounding so whiny about it. I promise, I'm not sitting around my house pouting and lamenting what could have been. Actually, I think I've been doing rather well outwardly. I guess it's just crummy timing that 30 hit when I was already post-Peak.
The 2 week wait. This one began in my 20s, and will end in my 30s. And not only that, it will be my last "really trying" cycle. I've done a lot of soul searching lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep living like this. My NaPro Dr was right. I need to put trying to conceive on the backburner and live my life. My prayers lately have also changed dramatically - I have been telling God that I am happy to accept a life of suffering and childlessness, and I will embrace the cross as long as I live... but if that is His will for me, to please take me while my husband is still able to remarry and become a father.
I'm ok with that. DH says he would never remarry, but I would just find a way to force him.
OK, so maybe that sounds like a morbid prayer, but I don't feel right "accepting" this cross for both of us. It's not fair to my poor husband. It breaks my heart that he has to go through this torture "by default." And here his sisters are getting pregnant every time we turn around. So clearly, he would be just as fertile with any other wife.
Hm. So maybe that stipulation of staying away from the computer on your 30th birthday should really be for the entire week.
I'm at the end of my rope. For the past 2 years I've been saying that; but it feels like I am dangling from the rope, and those last few frayed ends are tied tightly around my wrist - so every time I try to let go, it holds me and keeps me from falling. Oh, how I wish I had the strength to grab it and climb it to safety, or to reach up and cut it from my wrist.
I have a prayer request - since Holy Thursday, my Aunt and Godmother has been in and out of the hospital, suffering several strokes, blood clots in the legs, then discovering Stage IV lung cancer. Things have gotten progressively worse. She is likely not going to make it past today, and in fact, may already be gone (I can't reach my parents). Please pray for her, and her family, especially my Uncle who is an absolute mess.
I appreciate it.
Sorry for the super depressing post. But c'mon, if you're a regular visitor, you've gotta know by now that when you click over to TCIE, you're in for some heartache.