Thursday, June 2, 2011

Will I Ever...?

For the past 2 years on these blogs, I feel like at LEAST twice a month there is some amazing miracle and blessing being announced. Pregnant for the first time after years of infertility, surprise/immediate adoption after years of waiting on "the list," announcing twins after the first ultrasound, announcing subsequent pregnancies, announcing the birth of a healthy baby after a history of recurrent losses...

Here's my announcement:

Today I found out I'm not pregnant.

What else is new.

In two weeks time, I will be shelling out $5,000 for Clear Passage physical therapy - $5,000 I do not have, and which could be better spent on making home improvements for my awesome old house. With all the money I've spent over the past 5 years on infertility, I could have adopted twice or even more.

Will I ever be coming onto this blog to make my Miracle Announcement? Or will I be writing the same ol' crap for the next 15 years, begging for prayers, giving meaningless updates about my cycles and house renovations, and trying to avoid reading all the other blogs during that PMS week (where, of course, there will likely be more and more miracle announcements)?

This is getting so old. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes high, what in the world was I thinking? Of course it's not my time. It's everyone else's time, but never mine. Shame on me for daring to believe any different.

Seriously, someone REMOVE ME FROM THE INTERNET when I am PMSing.


JellyBelly said...

We need two tickets to infertile island ASAP.

I wish that I knew words to comfort you.

Big hugs and I'm continuing to pray for you BY NAME every night!

Jodi said...

I'm so sorry :(

I wish I could change things or make things happen for you.

Instead all I can give you is my love, support and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Dear TCIE,
when is PMS time everything seems even tougher than usual.. I don't know if you and me or the other women writings these posts will have soon our miracle but my hearth is still full of hope. With of without kids we are called to be witnesses of the love of God and of the peace that comes welcoming every day as a gift and as an opportunity. When I'm really down I tell God "I don't know why you want me to be in this crappy situation but I'm in here with you and I'll will try to live it with love." Stai serena, Dio ci ama.:)

barbie said...

I'm sorry! It is always harder during hormone week, but I will continue to hope and pray for you!

polkadot said...

I pray for you by name often. I wish I could give you a hug.

Oh, and here's some unsolicited advice: on your 30th birthday, don't go online. It's just like PMS time as you describe, only 100 times worse--pregnancy announcements will come out of nowhere. Not that I'm talking from personal (recent) experience or anything... ;)

Praying for Hope said...

It's amazing how we can still let out hopes get high inspite of the train of previous disappointments. That's not a bad thing. When they fall again, that's bad. I'm so sorry the train keeps going.

Anonymous said...

So sorry :(
While PMS'ing is the perfect time to write blog posts - you will get tons of support and understanding and women trying to cheer you up :).
Hoping the novena brings a miracle your way...

Rebecca said...

I'm only on month 9 of this roller coaster, but I can't imagine it ever getting any easier.

But I also can't imagine ever not hoping. Even today I thought to myself, maybe we just won't 'try' this month, then there can't be disappointment. But the feeling of hope crept in and I knew that yes, we will try again.

Prayers. Many many prayers.

Sissy said...

I can relate. This week has been hard for me too. I was talking with DH about the fact that I like the idea that we could have a surprise adoption because it would take away that time period of waiting that we went through before only to have her change her mind. Sigh.

Mrs. Elrod said...

Hi, I have been lurking on your blog--and I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am. Yes, I have been infertile for years--had one child--now almost 6 and now still infertile, now 41--Nobody understands infertility unless you have lived it and how hard adoption is...I hated hearing what I am about to tell you but it is really TRUE--God must love you a lot to give you these crosses. You bear them with grace and dignity--that is why I am impressed. Press on...for all of us!