Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Delayed Emotional Response

I may be having a delayed emotional response to the therapy. Or, perhaps I'm just being more pensive than usual and letting things get to me.

I'm beginning to realize just how many children could have been members of our family at this point. From May 2007, we could have had one, two, three, or even four biological children. And from June 2009, we could have been matched and placed with ANY one of the adoptive children with our agency. I try not to think about this fact for obvious reasons, but sometimes it just stares me in the face and I wonder what is it all for? I see the blessing in our infertility (or rather, blessings plural). I just can't see any blessings in our not being able to adopt or foster.

Today, my husband could have been, SHOULD have been celebrating his first or even second Father's Day, had we been approved to adopt in June 2009. It breaks my heart that for whatever reason, God decided those children were not meant to be ours.

I've been praying and trying very hard to get to a place where childless living can be full of love and joy and peace for us, at all times, not just sporadically. But I think as long as my heart beats, it will beat for the children who will never call me "Mommy."

It may not help that I'm pretty sure I already ovulated, and I was basically dry this entire cycle with the exception of some crummy mucus that may have been seminal fluid. This cycle is definately not a good one.

Shoot, I really hope this is an emotional release from the therapy, and not my newfound crappy attitude :(


JellyBelly said...

I'm going to bet that it could be a delayed reaction to your therapy (my IMT warned me that it could happen to me and I had a one hour session!). I did get weepy a couple days later and I think it was a reaction to the treatment since I was not thinking about IF at all at the time.

As you said in an earlier post, this is the end of your treatment. Although I'm sure there is some comfort to that, it's also scary. You also have some potentially stressful things coming up. It also doesn't help that today is one of those days where IF hurts that much more (if things worked out I would've been on my third kid by now!).

I can't begin to understand the Lord's plan for us, but the only thing we can do is trust and pray.

I love you so much, my dear, sweet friend. One day we'll be able to rejoice, I know it.

Catholic Mutt said...

It could easily be a delayed reaction; it always amazes me how much our emotions are tied up in where we are physically. You have my prayers, for all your intentions, but especially for finding the joy and peace that you seek.

The Skirts said...

Holy cow! I'm so sorry I didn't get your message about the Lady of LaLeche rock powder. I just got it today, actually. That's an email address I don't use very often and after checking for you once I just forgot about it. And I've been following you this whole time and praying for you. I was so excited to see that you visited the Shrine in St. Augustine - I've been hoping to get there. I still have rock powder, so please email me (if there's a way to email you on your blog I don't know it... not very internet savvy). Your posts have helped me so much in the past few months. I so admire you. Keep it up and God bless! Oh, and I'm sorry you're having a rough day.
[email protected]

Mary said...

praying for you and your husband today!!! really wishing there was more I could do for you.

Faith makes things possible said...

I'm praying for you!

[email protected] said...

I'm sorry it's been such a heavy burden. There will be such rejoicing when the burden is lifted, and that day is coming….

Made For Another World said...

Those 'what-ifs' are so painful to think about. Like Jelly Belly said, it's also the timing with the holiday. My friend is a physical therapist and sometimes when I go into her clinic, I hear people crying- intense crying not just from pain, but from sadness to. She treats people who aren't healed by traditional physical therapy methods so these are people who are in pain and have been for a long time. She says the emotional response is something that happens all the time in therapy. She's seen it for years. I hope what you are feeling is from the therapy especially since you didn't feel it during. Like The Skirts said, your posts have helped me so much also and I admire your strength and faith tremendously. Praying for peace and healing for TCIE!!!

Julie said...

I know that I am "on the other side now" but I spend over 9 long years in a childless marriage...with NO hopes of ever conceiving or adopting (we were denied our home study approval because of insufficient income for years 5-8 of our marriage). By the miracle of God, we were blessed with the adoption of our Isabella, one year ago yesterday! And to show that ONLY God is in control, we have had 5 failed adoptions this year already.

God is in control of your life too! That is the hardest part...letting go of the control.

I hope and pray that you will be a mother some day and that your wait is not as long as mine!

St. Rita's Roses said...

You dont have a new crappy attitude, sounds like its from all the treatment! I wish I go say something that would make you feel better.

St. Rita please intercede and lift this burden from A.

Nicole C said...

God bless you. My heart breaks for you. I often wonder "why" for you too.