Monday, May 30, 2011


I have a post I've been sitting on for a while, but there are just too many other things going on to write about at the moment.

Most notably, my marriage.

DH and I have been fighting. A lot. He's stressed about the court stuff, I'm stressed about my work schedule (which is getting lighter in a week, since I'll be leaving my job at the imaging center), we're both stressed about finances (which, despite my 3 jobs right now, are still up the creek), and of course we're both stressed about our childlessness and inability to change that status. I would say the one thing that has gotten better in the past year has been our sexual relationship, but it still has a far way to go. If you look at my charts, you'll see that 3 times a month is a good month, and of course they are all around/on Peak Day.

The relations themselves are much better and less stressful, but I think we still feel that there's so much pressure to "perform" on my fertile days that the thought of doing it on an infertile day is as silly as painting a blue wall the same shade of blue. (I've got painting on my mind today.) There's just no point.

Obviously I realize that logically and spiritually, there is most definitely a point to having relations with one's spouse regardless of the status of one's fertility. My soul knows this. But my body and mind are still catching up.

You have to understand that for us specifically as a couple, our sexual relationship has taken a HUGE blow with everything we've been through. Following the diagnosis of CT (which now we can say in retrospect was not an issue affecting our fertility), we were actually given instructions NOT to have relations unless it was during the fertile window. Psychologically, what do you think this did to us? Yup. And it took quite a while to heal that blow.
Then when we were faced with the future of possibly never being able to adopt, and not being able to foster for quite some time, we realized that if a child were to miraculously come into our lives, it COULD ONLY COME FROM MY WOMB. Psychologically, what kind of pressure do you think that put on our relations? Yup. And we are not yet fully healed from that blow.

All of this external pressure has made us both quite hardened and anxious, ready to snap at any time. Not really the type of love God had planned when we received the Sacrament of Marriage.

So, off to my priest I went. Yesterday. I spoke to him alone at first, and he really helped open my eyes to how I could best help my husband through these tough times. He recommended we come back together. As I was on my way out of the office, I said to him that I had recently finished a Novena to St. Rita, so maybe marital discourse was in order now ;) He responded, "Ohhhh, St. Rita, she's a tricky one. She will always answer your prayers, but there will always be that thorn." (For those who are not aware, St. Rita prayed to receive an ounce of the suffering Christ endured during His Passion, and God gave her a thorn in her forehead, which she bore the rest of her life on earth.) Now, I didn't realize that in answer to my prayer I would also receive a thorn!! But "timely" and "coincidence" don't quite seem to do justice to how this weekend manifested itself in my life, just after finishing her Novena.

We went back to the priest to speak with him together, and it was really wonderful.

Today has been much better, and I've also started up my daily rosaries again (last Monday), so I'm hoping that will also bring more peace to our relationship.

DH decided that at this time, since his company isn't bringing in the money we need, that he will find a full-time job as a Chef while devoting minimal time to the upkeep and maintenance of the General Contracting business. He also realizes that this will give his father a wake-up call to how much he does for the company and how little he receives in return. I found a job that I think would be perfect for him, as well as another that a friend told us about at the hotel where she works. We'll be sending in his resume tonight, so please pray for us that this works out.

In cycle news, I am P+9 or so today (haven't looked at my chart in a while). I have noticed sore bbs since P+4, but I tend to get that symptom on and off for no apparent reason.

I'm getting more and more depressed lately because 30 is just around the corner, and with this hot weather settling in, I know that milestone isn't far behind. I feel horrible complaining about 30 when many of you who have no children are older (and wiser ;) ) - but to me, 30 used to be the number I set in my mind in the first 4 years of infertility: "I will have a child by 30, I will have a child by 30..." Of course, when we first started TTC and I had just turned 25, I thought I'd be DONE by 30 ;)
Now, crossing this milestone knowing a) I still do not have children, and b) I likely won't be any closer to having children... it breaks my heart.


[email protected] said...

Can I just tell you that having DH find a job as a chef is the very best idea ever? He needs to be on his own. He needs this and you need this for so many reasons. Oh, please make sure you work hard to make that happen! I will pray!

I will also pray for you amazing opportunity! Sounds so perfect, whatever it is!

And I can't believe that I only recently learned about St. Rita's thorn. My dad asked me to get a St. Rita statue for my aunt at our parish gift shop, and he said, "You can always tell it's her by the thorn in her forehead." I had no idea what he was talking about, but sure enough there was the thorn on the statue! :)

St. Rita, pray for TCIE!

Amazing Life said...

First of all, I have to say that reading this post sounded very familiar to the struggles DH and suffered through too and even though it was so hard it made the healing of our relatonship so much sweeter! All of the changes sound so freeing! When reading your word, I imagind an eagle or hawk spreading their wings in flight - flying gracefully despte the strong winds!!
Praying for you and DH, as always.
Thanks for teaching me about St. Rita, I have been praying for her intercession all weekend and I have been feeling the sting of the thorn!

Amazing Life said...

Forgive my misspellings, I am tying with one hand.

JellyBelly said...

I have such a good feeling about Mr TCIE's new job prospects! He should follow his passion and he should be appreciated (and paid!) for all he does!

Reaching a milestone is tough (yes, I have looked 35 in the eye and waved goodbye a while ago!). I thought I would be done having kids too. Guess that's what 40 is for...

Interesting about what your priest said about St Rita. Do we really need any more thorns????

Praying for Hope said...

I'd always planned to be married and have children by 25. I was 37 when I married and 40 when I had my baby girl. Things don't always work out as planned, but sometimes they turn out better.

I'm sorry it is so rough now. The that will only make the good things to follow even better than you imagine. Good things are going to come your way.

Little JoAnn said...

UGH...I hope that thorn will be like the needles of accupuncture and TAKE AWAY some of the pain of the Cross.

Then it will make sense.

mrsblondies said...

I've been in that same place about relations and I hope that things continue to improve in that area.

Like Leila said, your DH's income being independent from his parents sounds like one of the best things that could happen for you. Pray for your special intention as well.

Sew said...

Of course you pick the saint with a thorn...Couldn't you have picked someone else lady?????

the misfit said...

Well, you know, she specifically prayed for suffering. So it's kind of fair to get a didn't pray for suffering, did you? (This time?)

Probably like everyone else, I know what you mean about the pressures of IF taking their toll. Maybe because we haven't had as many *additional* requirements in that direction recently, that's something that's slowly gotten better for us over the last few years. I give my DH a lot of the credit for insisting on approaching things in the right way, and refusing to "mate in captivity" (as he puts it).

And I am SO GLAD to hear that your DH is looking for a job OUTSIDE his parents' business. Granted, I have never met them, but I am so angry with them for taking all his work for granted and putting such a strain on your finances and your marriage as a result. That's just WRONG. (Now he just has to put his foot down and TRULY cut down the work he does for them!)

And I will pray for your new job opportunity!

the misfit said...

P.S.: I turn 30 in February...this month, I passed the mark after which I could no longer deliver a child in my 20s. Soon it will be "can no longer conceive a child in my 20s." I can hardly fathom all the children all my friends have had in the years we've been trying. I know I didn't do nothing at ALL with those years, but it just seems like so much wasted time.

Simone said...

I am sorry for your struggle. I remember 30 well. Now I am 34. I actually waited until I was 30 to start trying bc stupid me thought 30 was a great age......
I will pray for your opportunity. I am excited that something good will happen for you and napro....... Keep us posted.

Sarah said...

Speaking as a 30-year-old who has melted on her dh several times in the past month... I got nothin' for words of wisdom. :) We've been super stressed marriage-wise too, and we're "supposed" to be "honeymooners" still.

Praying for all these changes. They sound like fantastic ideas. Also sounds like you have a wonderful priest to talk to - thank God for these priests!

barbie said...

30 was big for me too, I'm so sorry hun I know how that number hurts.

Praying for all your intnentions!

Julie said...

Totally understand how IF affects your relations with your husband. We went through that for MANY years and still struggle with it after 10 years of marriage. It is rough knowing that it is NOT life giving and will never be (for us).

Hitting 30 was the hardest birthday ever! I cried for weeks and weeks. 31 was bad too.

Anonymous said...

Dear TCIE,
what's the point of doing everything possible to have a kid if you end up loosing each other and the love that brought you together as husband and wife?
I want to love and live now!!! I don't want to freeze my hearth in the wait of a kid that may even never come (I'm close to forty!!), I don't want to close the door to the chances of happiness and love that are already around me. Keeping you in my prayers. :)

Anonymous said...

Strangely enough, 29 was worse for me than 30. Maybe I realized at 29 that parenthood by 30 was just NOT going to happen, and so at 30 I had already accepted my fate. Of course, 31 ended up being the best birthday of my life, and I wish I could have opened a card on my previous birthdays that would have given me a hint that that was coming...
Hoping your DH gets the chef job! That would be fantastic! And praying for your job intention as well.

Megan said...

Praying for you, TCIE! I wish I had more words of wisdom to ease your pain.

St. Rita's Roses said...

O, how I love how St. Rita is working in your life! Sweet sufferring! WE are lucky b/c it bears great fruit (if we survive...heheheh)

Heck, it could be worse, you could be bleeding from a thorn in your forehead everyday! O, wait, dont you have some unexplained post peak bleeding? crap!-you are becoming more and more like St. Rita!!!!

Love that DH is following his passion...I want to taste his food! And, missy- where are you going??!!! Please tell me you are not leaving Dr. T :(

St. Rita Pray for Us!

Being Refined said...

TCIE, I will pray for you and your Husband, for him following his chef passion and for your job prospects!

I don't have too much as far as words of wisdom go... Just hang in there and keep praying.

mary said...

I have been struggling with infertility for 6 years now and have recently been following your blog. Thank you so much for all your postings. You inspire me! I feel like I am not alone in my struggles. You have helped me so much already. I will pray for you and your DH.

Alive in HOPE! said...

My heart is so there with you! (I wish I could share more of my own story on my blog, but for various reasons I'm just not comfortable yet.) I will definitely pray for you and ask your prayers as well for a special intention in my own heart. Prayers for healing in so many ways.

By the way, I turn 37 yrs old later this year and don't ever worry about expressing your feelings on turning 30. It can be very difficult. I pray that God will renew within you every day the beautiful gift of HOPE!

God bless!!

LifeHopes said...

Thank you for sharing these prayer requests. You know that we already pray for you, now we can pray more specifically (and in addition to praying for the gift of a child).

There are no words for the stress IF takes on a marriage. that being said,someone still needs to write a book on how to deal with it. IF represents a loss of innocence in so many ways. I look around at other couples who had babies so easily, and how "innocent" they still seem. They never had to endure painful tests, surgeries (plural), the horribleness of YEARS of timed intercourse, and the shame and anger all of that ushers into the most intimate area of one's life ... I'm sorry. Will pray.

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Your husband is very talented! Fireman, chef...sheesh! What a man!

Thank you for sharing your heart! I can only imagine what intense pressure y'all have dealt with through the last few years. You're so brave to share your heart, and I know He will bring good from it!

I didn't know that about St. Rita's thorn! Wow!

Beth said...

We've BTDT with our marriage issues too. And you're not even 30 yet! You're a SPRING CHICKEN!!!

Nicole C said...

God bless you, TCIE. I SOOOOO hope things start looking up for you. But the two job opportunities sound amazing and I'll PRAY HARD they work out for you. And hey, you should be excited about being 30! It means you have tons of time left! :) (But I do know the feeling of thinking you'd be at "x" place in your life by now)