I have a post I've been sitting on for a while, but there are just too many other things going on to write about at the moment.
Most notably, my marriage.
DH and I have been fighting. A lot. He's stressed about the court stuff, I'm stressed about my work schedule (which is getting lighter in a week, since I'll be leaving my job at the imaging center), we're both stressed about finances (which, despite my 3 jobs right now, are still up the creek), and of course we're both stressed about our childlessness and inability to change that status. I would say the one thing that has gotten better in the past year has been our sexual relationship, but it still has a far way to go. If you look at my charts, you'll see that 3 times a month is a good month, and of course they are all around/on Peak Day.
The relations themselves are much better and less stressful, but I think we still feel that there's so much pressure to "perform" on my fertile days that the thought of doing it on an infertile day is as silly as painting a blue wall the same shade of blue. (I've got painting on my mind today.) There's just no point.
Obviously I realize that logically and spiritually, there is most definitely a point to having relations with one's spouse regardless of the status of one's fertility. My soul knows this. But my body and mind are still catching up.
You have to understand that for us specifically as a couple, our sexual relationship has taken a HUGE blow with everything we've been through. Following the diagnosis of CT (which now we can say in retrospect was not an issue affecting our fertility), we were actually given instructions NOT to have relations unless it was during the fertile window. Psychologically, what do you think this did to us? Yup. And it took quite a while to heal that blow.
Then when we were faced with the future of possibly never being able to adopt, and not being able to foster for quite some time, we realized that if a child were to miraculously come into our lives, it COULD ONLY COME FROM MY WOMB. Psychologically, what kind of pressure do you think that put on our relations? Yup. And we are not yet fully healed from that blow.
All of this external pressure has made us both quite hardened and anxious, ready to snap at any time. Not really the type of love God had planned when we received the Sacrament of Marriage.
So, off to my priest I went. Yesterday. I spoke to him alone at first, and he really helped open my eyes to how I could best help my husband through these tough times. He recommended we come back together. As I was on my way out of the office, I said to him that I had recently finished a Novena to St. Rita, so maybe marital discourse was in order now ;) He responded, "Ohhhh, St. Rita, she's a tricky one. She will always answer your prayers, but there will always be that thorn." (For those who are not aware, St. Rita prayed to receive an ounce of the suffering Christ endured during His Passion, and God gave her a thorn in her forehead, which she bore the rest of her life on earth.) Now, I didn't realize that in answer to my prayer I would also receive a thorn!! But "timely" and "coincidence" don't quite seem to do justice to how this weekend manifested itself in my life, just after finishing her Novena.
We went back to the priest to speak with him together, and it was really wonderful.
Today has been much better, and I've also started up my daily rosaries again (last Monday), so I'm hoping that will also bring more peace to our relationship.
DH decided that at this time, since his company isn't bringing in the money we need, that he will find a full-time job as a Chef while devoting minimal time to the upkeep and maintenance of the General Contracting business. He also realizes that this will give his father a wake-up call to how much he does for the company and how little he receives in return. I found a job that I think would be perfect for him, as well as another that a friend told us about at the hotel where she works. We'll be sending in his resume tonight, so please pray for us that this works out.
In cycle news, I am P+9 or so today (haven't looked at my chart in a while). I have noticed sore bbs since P+4, but I tend to get that symptom on and off for no apparent reason.
I'm getting more and more depressed lately because 30 is just around the corner, and with this hot weather settling in, I know that milestone isn't far behind. I feel horrible complaining about 30 when many of you who have no children are older (and wiser ;) ) - but to me, 30 used to be the number I set in my mind in the first 4 years of infertility: "I will have a child by 30, I will have a child by 30..." Of course, when we first started TTC and I had just turned 25, I thought I'd be DONE by 30 ;)
Now, crossing this milestone knowing a) I still do not have children, and b) I likely won't be any closer to having children... it breaks my heart.