Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Can I Run Out of Hope?

After a Mother's Day from hell (from humiliation at Mass to dealing with my SIL to coming home to AF a day early), I am feeling very... drained. Infertility has just left me utterly drained to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. This is NOT like me. I am not a quitter. But I am feeling so numb from all the face-slapping every single cycle. There are no infertility "nerves" left to feel anything other than exhausted.

I am still looking forward to the Clear Passage Therapy next month, but not with the same passion I once had. Might have a little bit to do with the fact that I will be no-pot-to-piss-in-broke afterwards.

For the past 2 months, I have been seeing hawks everywhere. Here's what I wrote in a post about Hawks back in 2009:

Medicine cards are like Tarot cards, but they have animals on them and each animal signifies something. So he looked up Hawk, and this is what it said:

"Hawk: Messenger. Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant, to look at your surroundings. Observe the obvious in everything you do. Life is sending you signals...
If you pulled the Hawk card, then right now a clue about the magic of life is being brought to you...
The Ancients recognized this magnificent bird of prey as a messenger bringing tidings to their Earth Walk from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers who lived before them. If Hawk were to magically cry, it was a sign to beware or be aware. The cry could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."

I've always seen them when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I know this is God's special way of showing me He hasn't forgotten me. I know He is working in me, and I know that my Resurrection Day will come, with or without children. But that doesn't change the pain I feel at not being able to bear children, to adopt children, or to foster children. The pain is so real, so acute at times, that it is hard to breathe.

Kneeling at the pews on Sunday for Mother's Day Mass, I almost felt like I was committing a sacrilege as I whipped through my three prayers at record speed, with no emotion, except a hint of bitterness. Is it better not to pray at times like that? I felt like a bratty kid who's told to finish his supper, so he stuffs the food in his mouth and then spits it back out. I was mad. Fuming. Why has God not heard me? I wanted to know. I wanted answers. And I wasn't going to pray until I got some.

I feel a bit better today, because as we all know, CD 1 is the lowest it gets physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can only go up from CD 1. But I'm still not satisfied.

I'm reminded of my early high school years, when I used to pray SO HARD that the boy I had a big crush on would someday be my boyfriend. I would BEG God to just somehow let me know if I were going to be his prom date the following year. I wished I had a crystal ball to look into, just to be able to see if I were with him in the limo or not. I felt like I couldn't get rid of that crazy teenage-in-love angst without knowing one way or another.

I did wind up going to the prom the following year with the boy. But I wasn't given that promise, or that glimpse into the future, by God. Instead, I had to go through my entire junior year wondering, hoping, and waiting.

Now, as 30 looms its ugly head, I hope and pray that God will give me a glimpse into the future - will I ever have a child to call my own? I know I can go on and live a joyful, peaceful life if I knew, EITHER WAY. It's the not knowing that kills me.

I don't want my 30s and 40s to be a 20-Year Two-Week-Wait.

I have such little hope left.


Faith makes things possible said...

I'm am so sorry.
I wanted to start by saying that although at times you can probably feel like you are running out of hope, I don't think it's actually possible to run out. God is hope. He gives us hope and we should always cling to that.

I'm praying for you. Although you're not feeling very hopeful right now, please don't forget last month...TWO follicles are your own, which as a fellow PCOS girl I know is HUGE and a blessing.

Don't give up hope.

"Courage doesn't roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying, i'll try again tomorrow..."

JellyBelly said...

I so know where you are coming from. I also feel like I have run out of the vast amounts of hope that I used to have in my soul.

I have prayed prayer after prayer. I have said novenas. I've begged. And still nothing.

I've gone through two painful surgeries.

And still nothing.

I've watched my friends have baby after baby.

And still nothing.

I wish that I knew the answers for the both of us.

I've said more than once that our rewards will be so great in heaven, but I wish I could get some of that happiness now.

This waiting is so very hard. I pray for patience and the return of hope for the both of us.

Simone said...

I am sorry to hear that you are down. I am in the same boat and know what it is like to gather the strength to keep going month after month. You are making progress. You had TWO nice follicles. That is something to celebrate. You also have something new to try coming up.
I found this link that you may like. THere is a hawk that built a nest in NYC on the ledge of a 12th floor office window. She laid 3 eggs but only one hatched. She continues to sit on them. Once in a while she will get up and then you can see the little fuzzy baby.

Rebecca said...

'Faith Makes things Possible' used the same quote I had for you...

Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…
"I will try again tomorrow."
~Mary Anne Radmacher

I think it is the same with hope.

Praying for you.

Sew said...

God can handle your humanity. He wants it, He waits for you...You don't have to be perfect for Him. He loves you just the way you are....

Julie said...

Ditto what Sew said.

God loves you! Tell Him how angry you are! He can handle it!! Cry to Him! He can handle it!! Complain to Him! He can handle it!!

We all love you!!

[email protected] said...

Nope, you can't run out of hope. So there. Sue me.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

So sorry dear. Praying for you. I will send some hope your way.

Being Refined said...

I am new to this IF journey and the IF blogs. I will keep you are in my prayers! Just hold tighter to God, he will help you through this.

From reading through your TTC History, you have come a long way. Please don't forget that.

P.S. I think we may live near each other. I am in New Jersey and I just started seeing Dr. B. a few months ago.

barbie said...

you CAN't give up!! You're my hope hero.

I will say that those times of prayer when I feel bitter saying prayers, I don't "pray" God and I have a chat instead and I tell him what I really am thinking. All the glorious honesty of it. Don't hold back, He can take it.

Praying for Hope said...

I shudder at the thought of a 20 year 2WW. That's horrible imagery. The not knowing is always the worst part. I know it comes with the territory, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I love the "Courage does not roar . . ." quotes. They're perfect, and I think the describe you very well. I like what Julie said, too. God can handle a good vent.

Anonymous said...

Never lose hope until you feel you can hope for less and be happy. I have been in your shoes....I have asked all the same questions and felt those same emotions. And when nothing did happen, I had to try to figure out who "I" was because I certainly didn't turn out to be the woman I had thought I'd be all those years growing up. I'm now in my mid 50's. There are so many woman supportive of your dreams of motherhood and a family. I stand with them in prayer for you. But I'm also here to let you know that should you not be blessed with a child, the other side of all this is okay, too. I still cry. I still wonder why. I still feel incomplete. Even resentful at times. But I'm okay. My mother used to say, "if you try too hard, they you're not letting God do His work. You're trying to take over where God controls". Blessing come when you least expect them. May you find many blessings in this journey of yours.

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

You may be my new hero, Toll House :)
I want to thank you SO MUCH for your comment. It means so much to me, and my goal in life is to one day be peaceful and joyful every day, even if we never have children. I sometimes feel very close to being there... but always when a new cycle begins I'm reminded what I'm missing.
Do you mind me asking, do you still get regular cycles? And if not, did you find that things got easier without the constant monthly reminder of infertility, or is it harder because of, well, the obvious finality of fertility?

Thanks again for stopping by, and God Bless you!

Anonymous said...

My mental processing got somewhat easier in my 40's when I realized my cycles were changing (but then I was more irrational because I would think "Am I pregnant?"). I was through having cycles by the time I was 48. Early menopause for many I'm sure, but I began my cycles at age 10. And by then I had been going to monthly and quarterly doctor appointments and giving up on them was my way of letting go. That and being 40. That was my "timeline". (Never giving up hope-but giving up trying.)

Figuring out who "I" was has been the hardest thing. I'm now just a wife. I'm not a mother. Let me just add: although things may seem easier without the monthly reminders, should you not have children, there are always those constant reminders regardless. Every holiday, every birthday. Every vacation. Thank goodness that my husband and I are on the same page. We are a family~of two. We go to Church together, have dinners together every night and do projects that most families to together. What makes it easier now in our life is our friends and family are beyond the baby stage and have older children so we have more couples things to do again versus us and their families.

Don't dwell on tomorrow so much. Ask God what He has in mind for you today. That was the other way I got to know myself better.

the misfit said...

I have tried to solve this problem by DECIDING what the answer will be, but that doesn't seem to help that much - my brain still knows the answer isn't definite, so instead of coming to peace with it, I'm just angry. Part of this, no doubt, is my own spiritual imperfections.

I know all the articles say that women get married and/or come off the pill too late in life, so they can't have kids. I think we got married and started trying too young, because we can't have kids. If we had married really late, or contracepted for years, by the time we'd ttc for this long, we'd be nearing the point of biological impossibility. We'd be done. Openness to life just means longer years of misery. That doesn't seem just.

Sarah said...

Keeping you in prayer. Sometimes, when I've been so mad at God I couldn't pray, I've simply asked the Saints to pray for me.

LifeHopes said...

I have often contemplated the fact that hope is a virtue. What exactly does this mean, I have wondered.

I didnt suffer very well through infertility and it was largely because I didn't have much hope on a day to day basis. I didn't have hope that I'd get pregnant, but truth be told, maybe it was that I didn't have hope in Him? Just in Him. With that being said, I think hope is a gift that is given to us by God. So if you're running out, ask God to give you hope in Him.

My heart hurts for you. I wish I could just FIX this right now.

Lisa said...

I am so sorry. I've been there, and I feel your pain. We are still trying, though after adopting our first the monthly disappointment isn't as devastating. I had severe endometriosis removed by Dr. Hilgers in his unique way to avoid adhesions. We are nine months out from that process. Hormones are in the right range. Still no pregnancy. I've changed my diet in the last six months (dramatically), though, at the suggestion of Dr. Hilgers, and it has made some pretty dramatic changes in my overall well being and my endo symptoms. We are hopeful that this will help. If you want to know more, I'd be happy to help. It's just so hard to feel like you are wandering in infertiland alone. So very hard.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Dear TCIE,
it's few weeks that I'm reading your blog even if I never posted anything. I share with you the same cross even if just for the last two years. Infertility sucks and people that didn't experience it have hard time to understand how much pain and sadness a couple living infertility goes through. It's hard but you are not alone. Coraggio!!

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Mille grazie Silvana. Di dove sei?

Anonymous said...

Sono italiana :)

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

ho scritto un post un'anno fa completamente in italiano - si chiama "Per gli italiani" - pero,sembra che capisca tutto bene in inglese ;)
Grazie per aver' letto il mio blog.

Di dove in Italia sei? Ho abito e studiato a Ferrara.