After another BFN yesterday morning, I decided to plunge headfirst into finalizing all the plans for June's Clear Passage Therapy in Florida. A good blog friend has generously offered discount plane tickets, and another good IRL friend (whose NaPro baby we will serve as godparents to in October!!) is letting us use her hotel discount since she gets a friends & family rate. These are HUGE, since we are really in financial dire straits at the moment... and did I mention the therapy itself is $5,200?
I won't lie and say I wasn't devastated by the BFN. But I have to keep reminding myself that a miracle has taken place - 5 years ago, my body wouldn't, couldn't ovulate on its own. After surgery and some medication for PCOS, it ovulated normally. Weaning off of the meds, it continued ovulating normally... and this past cycle, it ovulated TWO EGGS on its own, without medication. Yes, I can see that things are improving, and I am thrilled with that. But it still hurts like hell that when OTHER people rejoice in miracles and blessings, they usually aren't rejoicing in the fact that their ovary worked the way it was designed to. Others get to rejoice in pregnancies and adoptions. I have to settle for rejoicing in the mundane:
"Yay, my husband didn't get arrested today!"
"Praise God, none of my friends or pets have died this month!"
"Halleluia, I ovulated!"
I really should make it a rule that I don't blog when I'm PMSing. These aren't exactly my most hopeful or inspiring posts ;)