(props to anyone to name that quote... I bet Kristy can ;) )
As AF is arriving, and my uterus is beginning it's process of cleaning itself out, purging itself, and beginning anew, I thought it best to do the same with my mind and heart and soul.
It suddenly dawned on me while reading all of your beautiful, helpful comments on my last two posts, that perhaps the Schism IS part of God's design for those of us still on this side. What we have, that many of you did not, is a lifeline across the division, to help us, guide us, and send us that wake-up call that hey, life isn't perfect and no amount of babies is going to make it perfect. That is priceless, in my opinion. I hope to continue exploring this idea in the coming months, and to seek out the advice and wisdom of those friends on the Other Side more than ever. Especially with Lent nearing.
But the other thing I need to start today, to clean out my mind, heart, and soul along with my uterus, is to grab this cross of infertility and hold firm to it. That may sound odd, but I think of it like this: if I am going to plunge head-first into this full-body purging, it's going to be like jumping into whitewater rapids. Would I want to throw that heavy cross off my back before jumping in? Definitely! But sometime soon after the cold water shocks my body, and I find it hard to keep my head above the rapids, I would be looking for a lifeboat.
My cross will need to transform from heavy burden to crucial lifeboat.
Recently, I pleaded with God (publicly, on my blog) to find a new tool to work through instead of my infertility. How arrogant of me!! Who am I to ask Him that, or to assume I know better how He can continue to work through me?! Imagine if Jesus threw down His cross halfway through, looked up to Heaven and said, "Alright, that's about enough of that." Or, Mary, the immaculate human - imagine if she had responded to the angel Gabriel: "Well... here's the thing. I'm not too keen on the idea of being pregnant out of wedlock, so why don't you go ask God if He will just leave the baby on my doorstep?" No. To my recollection of Scripture, that's not quite how it went.
Joy Beyond the Cross sent me a prayer book of St Eugene de Mazenod, my patron Saint for 2011, and I am about 3 days into the 15 days of prayer and meditation. It is a perfect project for me to be doing as I begin this full body cleanse. Thanks again, JBTC!
OK. So now it begins. Create in me a clean heart, O Lord. Here we go...