In my attempt to purge my heart, mind, and soul in preparation for Lent, I am praying the rosary every night and asking for God`s will to be done in my life.
Actually, the nightly rosaries wasn`t my idea- I owe that to Gloria.
Last week, I was doing breast ultrasounds all day when towards the end of the evening an older Latino woman wearing the Rose for Life sticker on her lapel came in. Her name was Gloria. When she came up onto the exam table, I could see she was also wearing a crucifix around her neck.
This has NEVER happened before, but I suddenly got the urge to ask her to pray for me. I dismissed it, because I was at work, and that`s just not appropriate. Plus, I knew her mind was occupied, because while most breast ultrasounds for fibrocystic dense breasts are negative, the patients are always rightfully nervous about having been called back to have an ultrasound. (We do them because mammography is not great at penetrating the denser tissue.)
By the end of the exam, I was able to tell Gloria that I hadn`t seen anything of concern, and she was relieved. But the urge was now stronger than ever. Like a voice literally shouting in my head, "Ask her!! Ask her now!!!"
So I bit the bullet and went for it.
I asked if she was a religious person (um, ya think? ;) ) and she said yes. I asked her if she would mind praying for me and my husband because we had been trying to have a baby for 5 years (yeah, I round up after the 1/2 yr mark. She asked if I was Catholic and I said I was, and she told me she would pray to the Blessed Mother for me. I had such a huge wave of relief, probably from the fact that she was SO receptive to my asking her such a personal thing in a very awkard place, but she couldn`t have been sweeter.
She then told me to pray the rosary every day. She couldn`t have picked a better person to tell that to, because rosaries, for me, are SO DIFFICULT! I don`t know why, I think maybe as a child they just seemed to take 5 hours to finish, so I dread even starting one now. Of course I always feel wonderful when I`ve finished, so this assignment from Gloria was just the initiative I needed.
I thanked her for being so sweet, and told her about my nudge to ask her to pray for me. She said I was very blessed, that she could see that, and that our "attraction" to one another was us seeing Christ in the other person. I tell you, I almost lost it right then. She then got off the exam table and went over to her purse, saying she had something for me. She pulled out an Our Lady of Lourdes medal, with St Bernadette, and gave it to me. Then she pat my hand, assured me of her prayers, and left with a big smile on her face. I`m sure my smile matched.
So I`ve been doing my nightly rosaries, and truthfully, falling asleep before I ever get to the Hail Holy Queen (but Sew tells me my guardian angel finishes for me), and I`ve been feeling a lot better in general about God`s will for me... but then out of the blue the other day, I burst into tears while looking at pictures of a fellow blogger`s babies. "What in the world??" I remember thinking. I`m pre-Peak, and not weepy and depressed like I am in the late post-Peak. So what is this all about?
I realize I`m at a crossroads right now. My soul wants to give in completely to God`s will, but my heart still longs for motherhood. I`m sure it always will. But in that moment, the tears seemed to "feel" different. They seemed to be tears of acceptance, of mourning a loss and accepting the unknown future, whatever it may be, that God has planned for me.
Don`t get me wrong: I have not yet made peace with any of this, I`m still trying to work it all out. I want so desperately to WANT God`s will, but I`m so scared of venturing into the unknown future which may not involve children... ugh. it is so hard!
I know what my Lenten intention is going to be. Hurry, Lent!