Saturday, February 5, 2011

My Current Life

I've been thinking a lot about my current life - working non-stop (I'm at work today, Saturday, filling in for a colleague who doesn't drive in freezing rain, whereas I, on the other hand, am like the mailman), never having time to do ANYTHING at my house except eat dinner and sleep, and all the while trying to implement this new diet regimen while out of the house.

It certainly is keeping me busy, and not constantly focused on infertility.

But is it fulfilling?

I like my jobs, but I don't like having no time to do anything else. And more than that, I don't like the fact that I think deep down, I'm keeping myself busy to avoid facing my fear that one day I'm going to wake up at 50 years old and realize I never lived the only dream I've ever had for my life. I never became a mother.

I'm so tired of whining about my infertility. I don't want it to be a source of depression anymore, but sometimes (like a week before my period's due, for example), I just can't help it. I feel completely defined and restricted by it.

I resent that while others walk around boasting their legal "choice" to become a parent or not in their time (while ironically, they already ARE parents when they make the choice to abort), they neglect to see that for 4 out of 10 couples, it is not a "choice" at all. I cannot choose when I become pregnant. I cannot choose IF I become pregnant. I cannot choose when I will adopt. I cannot choose IF I can adopt.

The fast-paced nature of my current life is at such odds with how I actually feel right now. I feel like my life is on hold, and has been on hold, for 5 years. It's like when you wind up a clock too much and it starts ticking really fast but the hand doesn't move from its locked place. That's me. A clock that's been wound up too much.

Next weekend DH and I were planning a ski trip in New Hampshire with some friends who have a cabin up there. We haven't been able to make it the past couple of years, but we were really looking forward to it this year.
My Dr is also going away this weekend, and it turns out one of her infertility patients needs an ultrasound series done, most likely over the weekend. I know what I have to do. I have to do the right thing, which is put myself in that girl's shoes and understand that at this point in her infertility journey, waiting another cycle for her ultrasound series may as well be waiting another year. I can't do that to her. I will likely have to miss the ski trip. Maybe I can pray she's a late (or early) ovulater.

Even when I try to escape my reality, and "enjoy" life without children, INFERTILITY always sneaks in to ruin it.

I dislike you strongly, infertility.


barbie said...

I understand that you are trying to put her needs high on your priority list but it really sounds like you need a break. Remember, putting everything before you and your husband can only result in too much stress and a breaking point. Don't forget that you need rest too, you are human you know!

Angela said...

Oh no! You need that ski trip! Is there no one else who could do that u/s series??? I'm going to pray that girl O's late or early!

I agree with need a break!

It's good to be busy, but when it starts catching up with you like this, you'll start resenting the busy times! Go TO THE CABIN :)

Little JoAnn said...

UGHHHHH...can't she have it done on Monday????? Or, is there anyway to work it better around your schedule??? need time away with your hubby. I can't believe how compassionate you are capable of being...

Oh...busyness and life on hold and trying to enjoy in the midst of it all...

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I agree-you need this ski trip! You need that as badly as she needs the ultrasounds.

You're a saint for your willingness to help her-but you also need to help yourself once in a while.

Paying for you.

Rachel said...

It sounds like you really need this break. Hope she doesn’t need you and you get to go and enjoy some quality time with your hubby.

As far as your work schedule it seems it is taking too much out of you. May be setting a time line where you say you will only work for so many months and lessen your load will let you see the end of being over worked.

IF SUCKS. It is physical, emotional draining and repeats itself over and over again.

Wishing you the best.

St. Rita's Roses said...

Uhhh...I feel really bad- I wish I could say something that would really help. I am sorry you are feeling like this..and I agree with you..during PMS, it feel really intense. Sending you prayers.

I totally understand your view about girl X needed the u/s series...and I understand girl X point of view. I was in girl x's situation during christmas when the office was felt horrible (I had to wait until the next month)...however, it taught me a valuable lesson about this IF cross- patience!!! So, I hope you see that you need this as bad as she needs the series...I hope you take care of yourself.

ps- Cant she go to another Dr/area to get the U/s series? If she wants it bad enough..she will travel..many of us do!!

Hafsa said...

It's so frustrating to keep waiting, I know and also to continue to have hope. I will always be hoping right along with you. As for the ski trip, that's too bad if you had to miss it, I think it would be a great thing for you, so I hope they find someone else who can do it.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...


Your post resonated so much with me. I could have writen it, not as well but you expressed so many of my feelings and what I normally do.

I am very Martha as the name of my blog says, always in activity and doing many things at once. I also have several "jobs" and its becoming overwhelming (full time marketing job for the latinamerican region, as a practitioner, as daily Napro promoter (i get about 10 emails and calls a week on this), my adoption and IF process, my house and my marriage, etc.

I think this is in part one of the the reasons for my adrenal fatigue and also that I use some of the activities to escape from IF.

I understand perfectly well how you feel about leaving this couple without their U/S, actually I have been seeing my CrMS clients weekends, nights etc and accomodating my personal and professional schedule around them many times, BUT I truly think it has been a mistake in my case. And have been told this in spiritual direction. I was not at peace when I neglected important personal things and this is a very clear sign.

I thinks that our mission as married women first and foremost is to our married vocation and to ourselves. Our work with Napro/ CrMS is great and also a vocation, but we can only do it if we are OK with both ourselves and our marriages.

As most people wrote here. I hope you go on the ski trip.

JellyBelly said...

All I have to say is, "F*%# you infertility."

Skiing in NH sounds awesome! That's where we're headed this summer!

The Comeaus said...

If I were you, I would probably also stay behind to do the ultrasound. But then, I was recently reminded something very important by a friend: your marriage comes first. You and your husband have been through so much and this is a very special thing to do together. I do understand, on the other hand, why you want to stay for the ultrasound. I guess I, too, will just say a little prayer that someone else can do it/the dates can change.

As for the rest, I asked this before but I'm not sure if you saw it: could you husband be eligible for a pardon in a few years? It's something that might allow you to adopt after all.

TCIE, God does have that "other" solution you can't even imagine right now. He will bring you through to a day you could not have dreamed of, in ways you probably never expected. I know, it's hard to wait and wait.

Oh, and you're NOT whining and I share your feelings about "choice."

You are in my prayers, as usual, and I do hope you can get away!

The Comeaus said...

P.S. When I was doing WAY too much counseling online with teen moms, it almost ruined me and severely damaged my marriage. I had to cut back in a big way. The need of these girls was so enormous that I felt bound to them and their babies, but I had to realize that charity does begin at home and my husband needed me, too. I don't say you're in the same situation, but it's just something to keep in mind when we keep ourselves so busy, and understandably so. How does your husband feel about not going to NH?

sweet jane said...

Do not dismiss the importance of the role you DO have right now - WIFE. You need this time together without daily stresses. Your marriage has withstood so much in 5 years. Let him see he's your top priority, and let him show you that you're his. It's very generous to want to help this stranger, and I'm not saying it's an easy call to make , esp if hubby will understand your commitment to your "job". That's why it's important to pray on it - to figure out if the significance of this trip for you and hubby, and to sacrifice - if necessary - anything else that interferes in that, even if it's a "nice" thing.

It's a *little* bit like the stray cat thing, I think. (Very little, but still...)

[email protected] said...

I gotta vote for the "go skiing" option. The u/s can be had next month, but the skiing can't. I know it will be hard for her, but your vocation as wife is paramount. And, you need leisure. Even God rested.

Pray for her in the meantime. That's the most important thing you can do for her (while you are skiing.)

Lena said...

I vote for the ski trip.

You are not responsible if she doesn't conceive, and you are not responsible if she does conceive.

Have fun!

Lena said...

I have another thought about why you should go on the ski trip.

Marriage is a vocation and that means that sometimes you have to spend time with the spouse. So going on the ski trip is also the right thing to do.

Let the patient know you're going out of town, so she can find another u/s tech. That would be courteous. Sure, she may complain about it on her blog, but we all need blog material. Ha!

Go on, have fun. Winter is long and dreary, so it's great when you can enjoy skiing.

Besides aren't you suppose to be with your spouse during the ups and downs of life? The ski hill has ups and downs. Corny, I know.

Second Chances said...

I could see how you feel like all of your work is just keeping you busy and delaying your reflection on not being a mom YET, but remember that you're using your God-given talents to help other women in your same position. That's such a huge gift to them! This is not a waste of your time nor is it a delay tactic from your busy mind. It's an extraordinarily good use of your time and talent in the midst of carrying your own cross of IF.

Praying for you :)

CS said...

Oh Man! "I dislike you strongly, infertility" - what a quote! And how! Perfectly said.

Catholic Mutt said...

I agree with those that say that you should go on the ski trip! We desperately need those times away, physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. I love that you are so dedicated to your job and that you know what these women are going through, but don't neglect yourself!

Also, you have my prayers on that whole living your life on hold. It gets so old! I'm not infertile (that I know of), but being single, I have to question whether I will ever meet someone.

Sarah said...

I really hope you can go on this ski trip. Praying it all works out.

Sew said...

Go on that ski trip lady! You need a break! And some time to roll around in the snow with hubby! ;)

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

Ditto to all these comments:) You sound like you need a hug you through the computer:)

doctorgianna said...

You are so right about the "choice" to become a parent. After reading Unplanned, I really want to know if any infertiles work at Planned Parenthood. I would suspect not because they would go insane seeing all these women aborting their children, when they are so desperate for a child.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

Aw man, so sorry bout all that. I hate how IF somehow tends to rule your life, even when you try not to think about it. I hope you can get to that ski trip b/c you do need it girl! good luck :)

WheelbarrowRider said...

Very insightful and articulate, as always :) I say go skiing. I agree it is good to rejuvenate, good for your marriage, and better long term for you and your patients.