Monday, January 24, 2011

Infertility as God's Tool

It's been very apparent to me from the get-go that God was using my infertility for His greater good. Right away I became a FertilityCare Practitioner, so that I could bring this amazing technology to even more people. Next came Ultrasonography. Obviously this blog is a big one. There are SO MANY things I know I never would have done, people I never would have met, and outcomes that possibly never would have come to be, if it hadn't been for my infertility specifically.

Never once have I said that I did X, Y, or Z in spite of my infertility. I have always said because of my infertility.

I thank God for that. I praise Him for it.

But I do often wonder... how much longer does He want to use my infertility? And... couldn't He start using my MOTHERHOOD for good?

Yesterday I did an Intro Session for the Creighton Model with my 2nd cousin's wife, long-distance via Skype. She contacted me because she heard from her sister-in-law (also my 2nd cousin) that I do this kind of work and I may be able to help her. They have been trying to have a baby since July, with no luck. I am SO EXCITED to have the opportunity to help them, and to maybe even be responsible (in a small way) for a future new member of our family's existence!!
As I drove home after the Intro Session, I was thinking about how I would tell my mother someday soon that "there is a new member of our family, because of me!" (After, of course, my 2nd cousins felt it appropriate to break the news.) Then it hit me. I would HAVE to preface that statement with, "Don't get your hopes up, Mom, I'm not pregnant, but..."

Suddenly, a really exciting day turned into a realization that I may never actually get to make a phone call to my mother in which I tell her there's a new member of MY family. I may never get to joke around with my parents at the dinner table, declining a glass of wine, and say, "No, thank you, the Surgeon General frowns upon my drinking alcohol." I may never get to ask my sisters to go out to Friendly's "while we still can," because after the baby's born, we won't all fit in a booth again. (Long story, but when my Mom told my 3 sisters she was pregnant with me, my oldest sister started crying and said, "But we'll never go to Friendly's again! We won't fit in a booth!" And they all constantly remind me that we have, in fact, NOT been to Friendly's as a family since I was born.) I may never get to ask my niece which room she thinks her cousin should sleep in. The "I may nevers" go on and on and on...

I understand, and I'm THANKFUL, that God has been teaching me humility and has been using my infertility in ways I could never have imagined. But does He need to use it forever? Can't He use someone else's now? I mean, really, what more does He want me to do with it??

If my infertility has been God's tool these past 4.5 years, I'm pretty sure it's been whittled down to a toothpick... it's time for Him to get a new one ;)


Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Please Lord, get a new tool for TCIE!!!! Use Motherhood to work in her life and further refine her into your image!!!! She's accepted and embraced the cross of infertility- please resurrect that cross!!!

Sew said...

So you had an intro with your 2nd cousin on, I'am dying laughing over here...hahahahaha That is crazy! I could have sworn yesterday you said you were doing usounds all day! hahahahaha And I was thinking of that and said the other thing...Man!

Yes, get another tool, please?!

You are responsible for Hannah! ;)

[email protected] said...

Dear Lord, give TCIE the strong new tool of motherhood! Plenty of sanctification there, too! :)

Little JoAnn said...

Dear Lord, please listen to the heart and yearnings of your dearest daughter. We need her in the army of God's Catholic Mothers.

There is so much WITNESS and WHITE MARTYRDOM HERE that she will be happy to take on....just give her that bundle and wrap her in your mantle so she can get STARTED.

Lord, I am asking you this with ALL of my might.

... said...

I couldn't agree more. Praying for you!

Second Chances said...

Hear, hear! You're amazing, whatever God chooses to work through you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I agree. New tool.

St. Rita's Roses said...

You are a blessing! Thank you for everything~ You are such a witness of humility~

E said...

You have every right to feel this way. Enough is enough!

But, I have to say, that where God is leading you is a perfect fit. You are such a holy, intelligent, and hard working girl! Everything that you are doing is bringing forth heaven on earth, just not thw way you want to. But in a truly amazing way!!!

JellyBelly said...

I've thought along similar lines myself, TCIE! I agree, being used as a tool for God is great, but come on!!!

Praying for you!

Danya @ He Adopted Me First said...

I agree with you TCIE but, unfortunately (or fortunately?) I am not God. God? Are you listening? TCIE is dooooone with IF now. And we agree with her, enough is enough. I guess we're going to have to persist in prayer until you give her a baby. We can be very determined you know!

Nicole C said...

I agree with everyone!

I have to say I'm truly impressed at how you humbly accept your infertility as a gift. God bless ya! I sooo wish I could be so accepting (trying, though)!

Awaiting a Child of God:) said...

This couldn't have been said any better. Tool it up God!!!

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I understand, and I'm THANKFUL, that God has been teaching me humility and has been using my infertility in ways I could never have imagined. But does He need to use it forever? Can't He use someone else's now?

Oh, wow, you hit the nail on the head with that statement. A friend of mine recently went through a very difficult time that lasted for a long time, and we were talking about this same thing. At first she learned some amazing lessons from her experience, but after a while it got really old. Like...OK, I seem to have learned everything I'm going to learn from this situation...can we move on to something different now?

Anyway, I am so inspired by your example of seeing God's hand in your suffering, and will pray hard for your intentions!