It's been very apparent to me from the get-go that God was using my infertility for His greater good. Right away I became a FertilityCare Practitioner, so that I could bring this amazing technology to even more people. Next came Ultrasonography. Obviously this blog is a big one. There are SO MANY things I know I never would have done, people I never would have met, and outcomes that possibly never would have come to be, if it hadn't been for my infertility specifically.
Never once have I said that I did X, Y, or Z in spite of my infertility. I have always said because of my infertility.
I thank God for that. I praise Him for it.
But I do often wonder... how much longer does He want to use my infertility? And... couldn't He start using my MOTHERHOOD for good?
Yesterday I did an Intro Session for the Creighton Model with my 2nd cousin's wife, long-distance via Skype. She contacted me because she heard from her sister-in-law (also my 2nd cousin) that I do this kind of work and I may be able to help her. They have been trying to have a baby since July, with no luck. I am SO EXCITED to have the opportunity to help them, and to maybe even be responsible (in a small way) for a future new member of our family's existence!!
As I drove home after the Intro Session, I was thinking about how I would tell my mother someday soon that "there is a new member of our family, because of me!" (After, of course, my 2nd cousins felt it appropriate to break the news.) Then it hit me. I would HAVE to preface that statement with, "Don't get your hopes up, Mom, I'm not pregnant, but..."
Suddenly, a really exciting day turned into a realization that I may never actually get to make a phone call to my mother in which I tell her there's a new member of MY family. I may never get to joke around with my parents at the dinner table, declining a glass of wine, and say, "No, thank you, the Surgeon General frowns upon my drinking alcohol." I may never get to ask my sisters to go out to Friendly's "while we still can," because after the baby's born, we won't all fit in a booth again. (Long story, but when my Mom told my 3 sisters she was pregnant with me, my oldest sister started crying and said, "But we'll never go to Friendly's again! We won't fit in a booth!" And they all constantly remind me that we have, in fact, NOT been to Friendly's as a family since I was born.) I may never get to ask my niece which room she thinks her cousin should sleep in. The "I may nevers" go on and on and on...
I understand, and I'm THANKFUL, that God has been teaching me humility and has been using my infertility in ways I could never have imagined. But does He need to use it forever? Can't He use someone else's now? I mean, really, what more does He want me to do with it??
If my infertility has been God's tool these past 4.5 years, I'm pretty sure it's been whittled down to a toothpick... it's time for Him to get a new one ;)