This has been a rough year. I realize I've said that every December that I've been infertile... but this year really tops the cake. I REFUSE to do a "Year in Review" for this year, because reading it all in one fell swoop may push me over the edge and put me in a strait jacket. Seriously. I am lucky to have survived.
Amidst the suffering there were a ton of blessings, and I will not overlook those. My new career in ultrasound has really picked up, and I'm now working 3 jobs (2 in ultrasound, 1 in FertilityCare), and have just been approached for 2 MORE ultrasound positions! One is for a new NaPro physician in my State, and the other is for the local crisis pregnancy center. Unless I stop eating and sleeping I don't think I'll be able to work 5 jobs, I barely am able to manage now... but nonetheless it is remarkable how very blessed I am to have these opportunities in this economy.
The financial compensation of my jobs are certainly a big blessing, but the biggest blessing has been that I've been too busy to stop and think about my childlessness. I have entered a new phase of my life, where I am concentrating on career and soon, hopefully, house renovations... but deep down, when I have some free time to get on the blogs and write on my own, I recognize the old familiar yearning that has never disappeared. My desire for children is ever-present. It's just not in the spot light anymore.
In thinking ahead to the upcoming year, I wonder what God has in store for me. This Christmas most of the IF blog community will be celebrating with their babies... and one whole year from now, I still won't have any (unless by miracle of conception within 3 months). A very unlikely possibility, given that my stool sample results came back with all kinds of wonky problems that I don't understand. Just when I think I'm getting healthier, too. Dr D. in California wants me to make an actual phone appointment to review all the results because, and I quote, my "case is getting too complicated" and she thought she'd be able to just give me some suggestions in the beginning ;) Ohhhh, the poor lady, little did she know I may just be THE MOST COMPLICATED CASE in the United States of America. Really. I challenge you to find one more complicated.
Oh, great, and now I'm crying. This is why I generally refrain from writing blog posts about my infertility and inability to adopt, especially when my period is looming... ;)
But I'm trying my darndest not to bring this bitterness and utter sadness to Christmas. And I'm trying to offer it for the intentions of my Prayer Buddy.
I wish my godbaby lived close, I would be there in a heartbeat... she'd make everything better :)