I am going to try to make sense with this post, but I make no promises ;)
A short time ago, I read a beautiful post by a fellow Catholic Infertile, Complicated Life, as she discerned her desires for children and tried to reconcile those desires with the plain and simple fact that God does not always fulfill those desires just because they are for an objective good. With that statement, I wholeheartedly agree. I may desire that my grandmother be cured of cancer - a very obviously "good" desire, but God may have had other plans for bringing her to heaven to be reunited with Him and her family.
However, I had to sit and think about the entire post. If I believe that God will not grant children to all those who desire them, what is it I do believe?
I began to contemplate the difference between desires and callings. Both, I believe, can change throughout our lifetimes. An example would be, as a child I may desire to live in Hawaii, but as an adult I may desire to live in Alaska. A young man may get a calling from God to become a priest. Later in life, he MAY get a call to become a family man, leave the priesthood, and get married (it happens).
While our desires may often be for objective "goods," I don't think that all desires come directly from God. We may desire these objective goods BECAUSE of our love for God and our desire to make Him happy and bring Him glory. But I think that a calling is distinctly different, in that it is coming directly from the Holy Spirit within us.
Much like a woman or man receives a calling to enter religious life, I believe many women and men are called to be husbands and wives, mothers and fathers in a physical sense. I feel so strongly about this because I feel like I have a calling to be a mother. I also believe I received a calling to adopt, and this one I remember as being even more clear.
So how does this enter in to God's plan and His will to fulfill callings as opposed to desires?
Here's how I see it: If God gives us a direct calling to do something, He wants us to pursue it. He may NOT fulfill the calling immediately, and He may not even fulfill the calling in the WAY we think He will... but I do firmly believe that IF HE CALLS US TO SOMETHING, HE WILL EVENTUALLY LEAD US TO ITS FULFILLMENT, in one way or another. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I feel pretty strongly that God wouldn't call us to something if He didn't intend for us to carry it out.
Perhaps the reason I feel this way is because I know many people who have had their callings in life fulfilled - there comes such a peace in knowing you are living out your vocation that is simply impossible to deny. Suffering may come and go within the vocation, but once that calling has been fulfilled, there no longer seem to be questions or frustrations - not in the same way, at least. Now, as an outsider, it is rather difficult to tell who has had their CALLINGS fulfilled as opposed to their DESIRES. Only the individual can make that distinction, really. But trusting that priests, for example, have fulfilled their callings, we can see that they are comfortable and at peace in their roles, despite the sufferings they may still experience.
Does this make any sense to anyone other than me?
I'm really only basing this on my own strongly-held beliefs. I can't quote any particular author or scripture passage... I just feel it in my heart. And it feels right.
I have been called to be a mother. I KNOW this. I have been called to adopt. God has called me to pursue motherhood, and He has ALLOWED me to endure the suffering of not being able to fulfill my calling in life so that my suffering can bring Him even greater glory. (I do not think God causes or wills suffering, but He allows it so that we may become closer to Him.) I still feel the calling to motherhood, and perhaps one day that will be fulfilled in the physical sense. I do think that it will, even if it means we adopt when I'm in my 50s ;) But maybe there is some other route to motherhood that I haven't even thought of, which God will reveal to me in His time. Regardless, I know my calling will be fulfilled.