It's been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But I don't want you to think there has ever been a day that you have not crossed my mind. Even in this new stage of my life, as I am enveloped in God's love and peace, no longer full of anxiety, I still think of you often. I wonder if you are already living. I wonder when I'll get to meet you for the first time. I wonder what you look like. I wonder if you'll be blessed with siblings. I wonder how I can be the very best mother for you, and if I am equipped to handle that most important job.
Over four years ago, your father and I were married, and we hoped you would join our family shortly thereafter. But God had other plans for us. And He had other plans for you, too.
I just started working in ultrasound at my NaPro Dr's office. (Dr. J. I'm sure you'll meet her someday.) Today, I did an ultrasound for a woman who is trying to get pregnant, with multiple miscarriages in her recent past. She was telling me about her situation - she has 3 living children with her previous husband, but has not been able to maintain pregnancy with her current husband. She does not believe in using IVF, and hopes that NaPro can help her. I told her she had very good odds. I shared with her that I was also battling infertility, but have yet to conceive. She asked me how long, and if I was doing NaPro, too (I had to giggle inwardly when she asked that, as I have been a NaPro patient for 4 years in November). Then she asked me, "Isn't it hard for you to do this job, and see people have success?" The question took me by surprise. Not because I didn't understand it... but because I feel like my immediate reaction TODAY is so very different than it was two and three years ago. I answered honestly, "Not at all! I love to see life being created, and for those suffering from infertility to be able to overcome it! It's what lead me into this career."
She was, I think, really taken aback. She confided in me that she would honestly be very jealous, and finds herself jealous of people who get pregnant in her life now.
I know exactly what she means. Because I felt exactly that way. But not anymore.
It made me really happy for the rest of the day. I LOVE my job. I love that I can help people to achieve pregnancy, and help to show them how their bodies work. Every once in a while I do feel remorse that my own body does not work as well as those around me, I will admit. But understanding that bitterness and jealousy are no longer such active parts of my life has really made a difference for me, and my relationship with you. I am so, so content that when you come into my life, you will come to a completely healed mother. Emotionally and spiritually, that is.
Of course, there are scars. Just like after any battle fought, I have the battle wounds from my infertility, and they will be with me for life. When I sit and reflect on my desire for motherhood, those wounds open up again as if they are brand new. But these moments are seldom, thanks to the grace of God. Mostly, when I sit and reflect, I now focus on you and you alone. I don't worry about the hows and the whys, I don't question... I just trust. It took me a long time to get to this place, but I hope that someday when you are given a cross to carry that seems heavier than the weight of the world, you can find your strength in trusting God, too.
Wherever you are, and whenever you are, I want you to know that I love you immensely.