... harder in practice.
This having faith in faith thing is pretty rough.
Last night I had a bout of the hysterics, thinking about my poor dog, Uzi, and how his final days were spent in the hallway (because he was vomiting LARGE amounts of liquid bile without warning). He would lay there the final two days and whimper at me to come over into the living room and be with me... just typing it out makes me cry again. If I had only known. No amount of puke on my rug and couch could have stopped me from hugging and loving that precious dog all day long.
And then of course, I began to wonder if I missed the obvious signs that he was dying. Am I a bad mother? Shouldn't I have known he was deathly ill?? Maybe I could have saved his life if I'd recognized it sooner?
OK, I have to stop writing about that because I am going to end up in a psychiatric hospital. Seriously, I was hyperventilating last night remembering my poor, sweet baby.
But in general, it has been tough for me to envision an end to this suffering. We (DH and I) have had an absolutely terrible year, and it didn't just start in January. The really horrible stuff began last June... and each passing month offers absolutely no reprieve. And if that isn't bad enough, I am seeing dear, faithful friends also suffering immensely, and it looks as though my prayers for THEM are not even heard.
Then I go to Mass today. And the readings are all about: FAITH.
My favorite, of course, being the 2nd reading, not just because it dealt with the first of the infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah), but because it came from my favorite Book - Hebrews.
In the letter to the Hebrews, the author explains how Abraham had been promised by God that his descendants would number the stars. Abraham didn't question how or when, he just went with it and had FAITH that God would make it so. But there's more. Even after being blessed with a child in their old age, Abraham has a huge reason to doubt his faith in God, when he is asked to sacrifice his only son. (Now, how on EARTH are his descendants going to number the stars if he is supposed to kill his only offspring??) But again, Abraham shows massive faith in obeying the Lord, NOT QUESTIONING how or why.
It may seem now that all is lost in my life. We have been stuck in quicksand for what seems like forever, and our lives are spiraling out of control.
I need to believe and have faith: He WILL rescue us. Things WILL get better. They have to...