Friday, July 9, 2010

Not Feeling So Hopeful

WARNING: this is a hodge-podge of late-night ramblings in no particular order.

Today I suddenly panicked at the thought of going unmedicated. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried this approach. True, I haven't tried it since having the adhesions removed, but I have had many unmedicated cycles in the past.

In my panic I decided to call Dr Check's office to see what his exact thoughts were for me, and if he wanted me to start anything today (CD 3). I already knew he didn't want me to, but I figured maybe he was able to "pour over" my case since Tuesday and maybe he changed his mind about what would be best for me.

But by the time I reached their office, they put me on hold for 15 minutes and then my phone died and they closed for the day.
I can call tomorrow morning, but it'll already be CD 4 tomorrow.

I'm just not feeling very hopeful that anything will happen for me without stimulation. I have it sitting in my fridge. I could just take it now.

This cycle means a lot to me. I will turn 29 at the end of the month. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, I could technically say I was pregnant at 28 (albeit for 4 days). Birthdays are always big milestones for an infertile.

I have a lump in my throat just thinking about how so many of the women whom I've considered such dear friends (bloggers and online friends mostly) have received their blessings and moved on. I have already felt abandoned by God, but now I am beginning to feel abandoned by those who have "crossed over" as well.

There are so many things that are on the cusp in my life at the moment. The therapy with my husband is going well, but SLOWLY, and every time it seems progress is being made, we take a big step backwards. The negotiations for "our" house are still ongoing and have been since last September. I am at the end of my school program for Diagnostic Medical Sonography, and my mentor asked me to submit a resume about a month ago, but no formal offer has been made yet. My DH has been waiting on a huge job's down payment, which won't come until they get all their necessary building permits, and they are also waiting on another job to pay them their final payment (so $$ is extremely tight around here).

Seriously, enough is enough. I just need one good thing to materialize. JUST ONE!

I am so very tired of crying myself to sleep every night. So. very. tired.


Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

Oh you sweet woman. You are enduring so much. I have an inkling of feeling left behind too. I think most of the time I just try not to think about it (probably not the healthiest coping I've ever done).

I really am so hopeful for you with this new approach and will pray for you extra hard this month.

the misfit said...

Today I was talking to my spiritual director about trading our sufferings for others'. He explained that it's called being a "victim soul," and I asked whether it's a permanent thing (like that's all you do for life) or whether a person could have episodes of it (yes to the latter, apparently). And I said I had a friend who'd offered her IF cross for her friends to get pregnant first, and had an increasingly horrendous year-plus, and when I told him how many of her (that would be YOUR) friends now had babies after years and years of infertility, he was stunned - and he's not really the "stunned" type when it comes to the spiritual life.

I don't know that this is any consolation, but while some are gathering blessings of an earthly order (which is a good thing), you are storing up treasure of an extraordinary sort, the likes of which most people never see. God must love you very much, to accept so large a gift from you. Also from my spiritual director - God doesn't accept a person's offer to accept suffering for others if it's contrary to His plan or that person's good; He knows who is strong enough to take it up, and that sure isn't everybody. I can't say much useful for my own situation, but it strikes me that you are ahead of everyone else, rather than behind.

(Out of curiosity, are there any girls still on your St. Gianna waiting list?)

Nick and Kristi said...

Keep holding your head up girl:) and know you have to be confident in your plan that you and your Dr. have created....that is awesome ur almost done with Bestie is a sonographer:) She works in the hospital and gets all kinds of patients but she loves what she does:) Try not to worry your pretty little head to much and release your burden/fears to God...even though it may not seem like it he is there:)

Little JoAnn said...

What I have learned is to cover your basis and listen to your gut. Get the day 3 testing done ANYWAYS,(they will tell you later they need it) line up your meds, ANYWAYS; are you ready, prepare to do what you think you should do. Unmedicated? What does he mean? Did he give you a different progesterone? No, use their office as a monitoring office, an EXTRA set of eyes, but don't stop cold turkey on your other treatments. They said they will do a little tweak with FSH later on, that's how he does it.

Little JoAnn said...

Feeling left out...I am praying for you, especially seeing others as they cross over and the pain this is causing you. Please know, being once pierced with the dagger of IF has made those who have crossed over wiling to sacrifice anything for you, our Sister in Christ. I am going to renew my prayers for HOPE for you. This journey is so grueling and you have endured too, too much.

Sew said...

I say just try it for a few cycles and see what happens. Before you go jacking yourself up on stims let your body rest naturally for awhile since you are post op. I bet those stims will have your ovaries everywhere..... ;)

I loved misfit's comment....That is some good stuff!

I've never prayed for anyone as hard as I pray for you!

... said...

I completely understand about being left behind. I don't know what to say, but I'm still here with you and praying for you.

Of course, I'm interested in this Dr. C's approach and hope you will share with us what protocol you will be doing (i.e., amount of P4 and when it starts). I have no advice on what to do. I think we, the IFers, have to research and believe in what we are doing and, if we don't, we won't stick with it. If you trust him and his reasoning, then go with it understanding that it is natural to feel hesitant at changing direction. I understand that doing a few cycles, to an IFer, is an eternity. I'll be on my knees for you.

barbie said...

I'm with Sew, I pray so VERY hard for you!

And I agree with Ann, you really need to be happy with the direction you take and believe in it or you'll never stick to it. The reasoning you posted the other day made sense to me but so did Kwak-kim's so it's what you believe is best for YOU.

I'm one that is also still here with you, and having just hit the big birthday milestone I've been dreading since I accepted I was IF I can say, I'm still breathing. The world didnt' end. Yes my heart hurts but that's nothing new, It's been hurting for years, I've realized that the pain doesn't kill you.

I hope you see something good happen for you guys and SOON. Praying praying.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I agree with Ann...a few cycles, a few days...seems like forever to me sometimes.

And I agree with the Misfit, she is spot-on. God sees every step you take while carrying your cross. He sees all you have done, all whom you've lifted by carrying your cross...don't think it will go unnoticed or unrewarded. Though it doesn't feel like it, He won't abandon you.

And we notice it too. I marvel at your strength and grace, and you are in my prayers daily.

Chasing said...

First of all, CONGRATS on finishing your program! What a huge achievement! You are going to be great! Secondly, I am so sorry that things are still lousy for you. I really, really, really hope things will turn around for you soon- in ALL areas. You are so strong. I hope that this new protocol and your nicely cleaned insides make for a marvelous miracle in the next month or two!

Sew said...

Oh and I wanted to say that I don't know what it is about surgery that plummets our hopefulness? It's what we crave, yet when it happens there is no hope left to give.

Even you yourself are so hopeful for others after surgery. I remember you were my biggest cheerleader after surgery. :)

Shannon said...

oh honey....
My heart just aches. I don't even know what to say... except that you are a strong, wonderful woman. Yes, you are. and your cross, well your cross just astounds me. I will hope for you, ok? And I will lift up some of my own suffering in my waiting for you.

Jemmers said...

I am praying for you!!!! I hate how your heart is breaking....

Praying peace over you and this cycle!!!


Angela said...

I think misfit's comment was beautiful and very true!

The first part of Psalm 37:7
"Be still. Be patient. Wait for the Lord to act. Don't be upset when other people succeed."

Do you spend alot of time at Eucharistic adoration? That is a great place to go when I need to be still and sort things out in my head and heart!

mrsblondies said...

Misfit is a brilliant woman. I hope you start feeling better about the protocol. A break from stims sounds like a good think at least for a couple cycles. I definitely get the feeling about feeling left behind. I'm praying for you.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

No advice, just prayers. I'm definitely still praying.

LifeHopes said...

Yes you are on the cusp of a lot of good, no - great- things.

I hate the feeling of being on the verge for so very long, it is enough to drive a person insane.

Thank you for sharing it all with us, it really helps me in my prayers for you to pray even more fervently!!

(oh, and if its any encouragement to you regarding going unmedicated, I tried a min stim protocol (or two) after my 4th and last surgery last summer (I believe this was when we were shooting up together, remember? Ahh the good old days) and it didn't work. I have no earthly idea why things worked now, and not then, when I had multiple follicles and a supposedly "clean and fresh" pelvis ... but just wanted to let you know that! (granted, it took about 10 "natural cyles" for me to achieve a pregnancy, but it can happen without the drugs. And I do still believe I have some adhesions because I could feel them this whole time.

(also, please forgive me if my advice only makes things worse, everyone is different, and you know your body better than anyone else. I really only intend to offer encouragement to you!)

Little JoAnn said...

I just got done reading THE MISFIT'S post and I have chills running down my spine. Somehow, I missed it before. I THINK MISFIT you are absolutely right! TCIE you are very much ahead and you ARE storing up treasure of an extraordinary kind. I am not going to say anything more except to say I SECOND The MISFIT's insight here. Misfit, I am crying over your post. IT JUST IS SO TRUE about TCIE. I believe it is her sacrifice that really ushered in all the blessings we see on these boards.

Anonymous said...

Birthdays are always tough milestones. 29 was the worst one for me.. so after that I thought 30 was going to do me in. Luckily it turned out okay :).
I love misfit's comment, and I don't think your suffering is going unnoticed. I do hope you don't have to suffer much longer though - and as you said, it would be nice for SOMETHING in your life to get easier! Take a little pressure off at least...

Megan said...

I also love Misfit's comment. Also, I was in Adoration tonight, and you popped into my head so I prayed and prayed for you. You aren't even my prayer buddy, and the Holy Spirit brought you to my mind. Your sufferings are definitely not going unnoticed.

Angela said...

This is from a blog I read:

I thought of you when I read it!

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

I'm so sorry! You are in my prayers!

Praying for Hope said...

What you're going through isn't fair. Misfit and Sew make good points. You have something good building up for you somewhere. You also just had a surgery. Even though it's next to impossible to let go, may an unmedicated cycle or two to let your body heal and achieve (hopefully) a good balance isn't a bad thing. Will you be doing the progesterone protocal this cycle? That's something, at least. Perhaps the mega-doeses will help achieve some of the things the other treatments were trying to achieve.

E said...

I am so sorry you are feeling left behind. That is one of life's worst feelings.

I also did a ton of crying while we were in tx with C. We had times like it felt like we were moving ahead and had a few bad weeks. TX is like that, but you ARE making progress. Your marriage is so important!!

Praying for you!

JellyBelly said...

I'm sorry that I'm commenting so late, but it was hard to think while being surrounded by so many kids (that were obviously not mine!).

I know that we've talked about being left behind many times. It's one thing to be IF, but to see all of the women that I have been following (and have even met IRL) go on to adopt and/or become pg have been really difficult for me as well. The toughest is the guilt that I feel for being envious!

I wish that I could be as wise as the Misfit, but she is definitely right. I just wish that I could finally help you out (yes, Misfit, I'm the LAST one!). I continue to pray for you, and like some have said, I pray really hard for you.


[email protected] said...

No advice, just prayers, prayers, prayers. Somehow I always have a good feeling about how things will turn out with you. I don't doubt that God will blow you away with what's to come. I can't wait to rejoice with you on that day.