WARNING: this is a hodge-podge of late-night ramblings in no particular order.
Today I suddenly panicked at the thought of going unmedicated. I mean, it's not like I haven't tried this approach. True, I haven't tried it since having the adhesions removed, but I have had many unmedicated cycles in the past.
In my panic I decided to call Dr Check's office to see what his exact thoughts were for me, and if he wanted me to start anything today (CD 3). I already knew he didn't want me to, but I figured maybe he was able to "pour over" my case since Tuesday and maybe he changed his mind about what would be best for me.
But by the time I reached their office, they put me on hold for 15 minutes and then my phone died and they closed for the day.
I can call tomorrow morning, but it'll already be CD 4 tomorrow.
I'm just not feeling very hopeful that anything will happen for me without stimulation. I have it sitting in my fridge. I could just take it now.
This cycle means a lot to me. I will turn 29 at the end of the month. If I were to get pregnant this cycle, I could technically say I was pregnant at 28 (albeit for 4 days). Birthdays are always big milestones for an infertile.
I have a lump in my throat just thinking about how so many of the women whom I've considered such dear friends (bloggers and online friends mostly) have received their blessings and moved on. I have already felt abandoned by God, but now I am beginning to feel abandoned by those who have "crossed over" as well.
There are so many things that are on the cusp in my life at the moment. The therapy with my husband is going well, but SLOWLY, and every time it seems progress is being made, we take a big step backwards. The negotiations for "our" house are still ongoing and have been since last September. I am at the end of my school program for Diagnostic Medical Sonography, and my mentor asked me to submit a resume about a month ago, but no formal offer has been made yet. My DH has been waiting on a huge job's down payment, which won't come until they get all their necessary building permits, and they are also waiting on another job to pay them their final payment (so $$ is extremely tight around here).
Seriously, enough is enough. I just need one good thing to materialize. JUST ONE!
I am so very tired of crying myself to sleep every night. So. very. tired.