Where is this coming from?? I am sitting here, after having a TERRIBLE fight with DH, reading through happy blog posts and crying my eyes out.
Hormones, I love you.
I am trying my hardest not to be angry with God right now, but it is so darn difficult. I just don't understand- while I'm THRILLED to see so many faithful friends receiving abundant blessings, and rejoicing with them- I am so perplexed as to why MY journey must continue, and why I've been asked to carry multiple crosses.
At the end of this month, I turn 29. Many of you may be hopeful for me due to that fact. And trust me, I do not take for granted the fact that I started discovering the causes of my fertility issues at 25. I have a lot of time ahead of me to keep trying.
But in many ways, that is the most depressing part of all. If my fertility started out AT 25 as so poor, it will only get WORSE as I age, not better. (That's why the "You're still young!" comments bother me more than the "Just relax!" comments.) The thought of another 20 years or so of THIS- - I could never.
My mind is lingering somewhere between hope and pragmatism right now. The newest miracle pregnancy on the blogs is a young woman who had massive adhesions. And I just had adhesions removed. Shouldn't I be hopeful? Then again, I doubt that same logic gave this amazing woman any comfort when she was told "AYWH just adopted and now she's miraculously pregnant. Therefore it can happen to you, too, since you've recently adopted!" Right? One miracle pregnancy has nothing to do with the other. And my situation is likewise very different.
Furthermore, I DO NOT in any way want to take away from the fact that it is GOD ALONE behind these miracles. No "magic" surgery, no special Dr, no perfect series of prayers... it is all about God. Yes, of course I think that medical intervention can help improve fertility that has been adversely affected by a variety of things. But in the end, it all comes down to God.
And for reasons yet unknown to me, He has chosen to allow me to keep carrying the cross. The longer it is carried, the heavier it gets. I am collapsing under the weight today.
One day happy, praising God for His beautiful work in the life of my friend, and hopeful that maybe, just maybe, He has something ALMOST as good planned for me.
The next day, battered, bruised, and defeated, and let's face it, mad and jealous.
Just a week in the life of your typical infertile/in-adoptive woman.