Some days, like today, I physically ache for my baby.
The baby that never was. The baby that certainly is not presently. And the baby that more and more likely never will be.
I have nothing to speak to, no soul in heaven to pray and converse with, no hope left to talk and sing to the non-existant being in my womb during the 2 week wait (and yes, I used to do the last one often during the first year).
It's moments like these when I realize my womb is oh so barren, never filled with anything but surgical instruments, and getting pregnant is my ONLY hope to becoming a mother... that I feel the lump invade my throat, the tears stinging my eyes, and the pain shooting between my heart and the pit of my stomach.
And then I generally do one of two things. Sit and cry in my glider, rocking back and forth with my empty arms folded across my chest, or fall to my knees in utter abandonment to God, and just perseverate on one word: "Why?" I have yet to receive an answer.
I am running out of fuel. I am running out of money (see previous post). I am running out of prayers.
The girl who at one time in her life would fight 'til the death, never give up, and always achieve whatever she set her mind to... has reached the breaking point.
I have realized that I can achieve nothing without God. Nothing. Everything good in my life has been with and from Him, and not anything I could have done by myself. I didn't always know this. I know it now.
And knowing it now makes it even tougher to accept that my womb remains closed, and my route to adoption is a drawbridge almost completely drawn up. Because if HE wanted to, all He has to do is say the word. In Him all things are possible. It's not that I don't believe He CAN do it, no no, just the opposite. I KNOW He can do it. So why won't He?
Why must my suffering continue, and why does it have to be double as heavy??
Oh, how I despise Prayer Buddies. Yes, I said it. I have never felt more unloved, unwanted, and abandoned by God than during Prayer Buddies. No offense, prayer buddy. I'm sure I will retract this statement tomorrow, but tonight, with tears streaming down my face and a mad case of PMS, I'm just sayin' it like it is with no apologies.
Because tonight I ache. Ache for my baby. Ache for the life I know I should have right now, but have never been further from.
Ask and ye shall receive?? Seek and ye shall find?? Knock and it shall be opened unto you?? Well maybe my constant pleas aren't cutting it, so let me put it here in writing:
Dear God, please send me a child. I am surrendering, and begging you to please have mercy on me and my husband. Please allow me to fulfill my vocation as a mother. Please. Please?
My soul is broken.