Thursday, May 13, 2010


I've finally figured out why these past several months have been particularly difficult for me.

I've lost the solidarity I've often relied upon through the blogs.

I was having an email conversation with another blogger who is still waiting for her miracle, and the thing we both have identified as a major problem for us right now is how very PERSONAL God seems to be making our current struggle. Where we once found consolation and strength in numbers here in blogosphere, now it has become increasingly more and more isolating as we realize we really are the ONLY ones in our exact situations (though still very different from each other's).

As horrible as infertility felt on its worst days, I knew that I had a beautiful, strong sisterhood here that I could always turn to for support, advice, and most importantly, solidarity. When my own infertility didn't make sense, I would see in these women how they turned their crosses into something monumental. It fueled me to continue, and it inspired me to not give up.

But now, even though there are still several women left who have not yet received the answers to their prayers, I am feeling less and less of that solidarity. These very same women that I once felt bonded to in a common cross, now I look upon and only see the "differences" in our journeys.

Here are some examples of how the Devil gets into my head whenever I think of someone still struggling with their cross:

"At least she is Home Study approved."

"Well, she can get a call any day to go and pick up a baby. I can't."

"She's only x months past surgery. I'm over 2 years past surgery."

"She's only been seeing a NaPro Dr for a year. I've been seeing one for almost 4 years."

"She's not even seeing a real NaPro Dr."

"She may have never conceived YET, but she doesn't have the clotting issues and immune diagnoses that I have, which make it scientifically and medically IMPOSSIBLE for me to implant without anticoagulants and steroids."

"She can still get a miracle pregnancy. I never will (for the above reasons)."

I guess it is an important first step recognizing that these thoughts in my head are not from God. Quite the contrary.

Yet it still makes me feel like God has molded things in my life a certain way so that I literally CANNOT relate to anyone anymore. Hence the feeling of abandonment and isolation.

I'm sure at one point or another, everyone has felt this way. We've all had moments when looking at someone else's miracle did NOT give us hope, and may have even caused additional despair, because all we saw were the differences, not the similarities.

I have taken an important first step to spiritual healing. I've contacted a licensed therapist recommended to me by FJIEJ, and me and my hubby will be doing some therapy sessions with her. She herself struggled with infertility for 7 years, and now struggles with secondary infertility.

While we go through these sessions, I am focusing on giving my body a break over the next couple of months. I will be taking herbs and doing more acupuncture (just came from 1 session), and the only daily medications I'll take are Metformin and Naltrexone. I'll also take my prenatal, baby aspirin, Omega 3s, Alpha Lipoic Acid, and Bee Propolis. (I know this sounds like a lot to take while on a break, but trust me, this isn't even 1/4 of what I normally take every day. Also, some of my diagnoses require that I take these things for life, not just while TTC.)
My NaPro Dr recommended that when I'm on a "break" I still take prometrium in the post-Peak phase. I'm not sure if I will or not. Though, it does help me sleep well. We'll see.

I know the majority of you urged me to go forward with another treatment cycle, and I was seriously thisclose to just doing it. But a big deciding factor for me was the therapy sessions. That, for me, will seem like "treatment," and an important part of my treatment at that. I can't feel like I'm doing nothing proactive (not with adoption completely off the table), so the therapy will help me to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING.

I am still searching, seeking, craving joy. I must sound like a broken record, but I want to have a LASTING joy in my life that makes me want to sing God's praises daily, whether or NOT I become a mother.

Sure, the greatest miracle that could happen in my life right now would be God moving one of the GIGANTIC mountains preventing me from becoming pregnant, adopting, or fostering. It would be a miracle SO VERY HUGE that I wouldn't be able to stop singing the glory of God if I tried, for years and years and years to come.

But my goal is to reach that point BEFORE and/or WITHOUT that tangible miracle.

Because, perhaps the miracle will not be my becoming a mother. Perhaps it will be a joy-filled heart, every moment of every day.


KC said...

I wish there was something I could say to help. But if that were the case, I'd have said it already.

I can say with all honesty that if I were facing what you are, with everything else that is happening in the blogisphere right now, I would feel exactly the same way.

I am glad you are going to see a therapist though. I know talking about difficult things always helps me and I hope you find it to be equally as helpful.

Please also know how much I think of you and the others who are still waiting. I wish with everything I have that we would ALL receive our miracles very soon so that no one would feel left out or left behind. That is definitely a terrible feeling and I am truly sorry you are having to experience that sort of isolation. Especially after having felt such solidarity with the blogging community before recent events.

I will definitely keep praying and I know LOTS of other bloggers that will surely be doing the same!


Sew said...

I agree with KC, she hit the nail on the head...

I do too think that maybe some blog friendships were made for just that particular time in your journey, maybe some were made to help carry each other's different crosses etc...

Maybe we will see relationships move around later on, I don't know?

But I know exactly what you mean when we were mostly all waiting and then one by one it all started to pop like popcorn....

But do you not think this is direct response to our prayer buddy? Because that is when stuff really started moving.

prayerfuljourney said...

Boy, you are just taking the words right out of my mouth...I've actually been asking "What to blog about?" lately for I feel I don't have anything too exciting going on. Oh well.

I know what you mean about solidarity and comfort in numbers. There's still plenty of us still waiting and hoping. AND I think you are moving mountains by the work you do for so many women. Teaching women charting and napro methods is just amazing. You're helping women find other more moral ways of conceiving than the societal ways..A.R.T. bluck, crap. You are moving mountains for God. Wow.

I hope therapy helps you and your dh. Sometimes learning to refocus one's thoughts is perfect medicine. Praying for you!

LifeHopes said...

I think there is definitely a mind, body, soul connection and right now, it seems like you could use some refueling and renewal in all three!

You are not alone. Each of our journeys looks entirely different (even if lately it seems that many bloggers get their gifts all at the same time).

I hope and pray that you two can use this time to work on the precious gift of marriage so that you will be better parents when your children do come. (and they will, I have no doubt!)

JellyBelly said...

You've totally hit the nail on the head TCIE! It's solidarity that I'm missing too!!! As I move my former IF blog friends to the "other side" of my blog roll I start to feel more and more dread, as well as feeling left behind.

I think that it's a great idea to see a therapist. When I was in my 20's I saw a psychiatrist for almost three years and it really helped me. I've thought about seeing one myself, but I still need to decide if that's what I need right now.

I did reach a point where I felt happy, childless or not. I would like to believe that we've both facing this trial to learn something (yeah, I know I say this ALL the time!).

I'm praying for you!

Sissy said...

You're right, because although I am still waiting, it's just a matter of waiting. I don't completely relate to where you are, but I know the pain of loss and it isn't ever fun.

There have been a lot of miracles on the blogs lately and I pray that ours come next.

mrsblondies said...

I'm glad that you and Mr. TCIE are going to see a therapist; you've had so much to deal with lately. I definitely get the loss of solidarity thing. As others have said, you are such a help to so many women. I'll definitely continue praying for you.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

So sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate...doubt creeps into my heart and tells me, "there's no guarantee this surgery will help you conceive. Sure, the endo is gone, but there could be so much else wrong with you..." Plus it is discouraging how slowly my recovery is going. It's so hard to see, in the midst of all the pain, that things might someday be okay again.

barbie said...

((hugs)) praying for you.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I'm feeling left behind too, and I know that doesn't comfort you because of all those reasons you mentioned (trying for less time, etc). But I do think you're right that the cross is getting personal. When it is all said and done, we'll be answering to God completely alone, not in the company of our fellow bloggers. Thank you so much for your insight-it really does help me. And I know that doesn't help much either, to know that you're helping others through your pain, but know that you are.

And I had to smile when I read the comment about the medicine. Only an IF would call that amount of pills "small".

I'll keep praying!

[email protected] said...

You are so eloquent and honest.

Sick with a stomach virus over here (TMI), and offering up my suffering for you, sweetie.

... said...

When I started reading the blogs, the thing that jumped at me the most was how quickly one moved away from IF if given the chance. It is a prison, after all, and who wouldn’t jump at the chance to escape a prison? It’s so understandable (and believe me, I am sure I will too, if given the chance), but it does lessen the feelings of solidarity you once had. No one else in your IRL/immediate world understood you, but these people did and that helped.

I KNOW the feelings of IF are always there. I’ve been pregnant. I know that your past IF experiences can’t be changed and you are scarred/changed for life because of them. But once you have an opportunity at a growing family (through adoption or pregnancy), your whole focus changes in an instant. The hardest part about being an infertile is the day-to-day living with it: the meds at every hour, the CM inspection, the google searches, the doctor’s visits, the following the adoption paperwork, your whole life from daily activities to vacations are scheduled around your cycle, the praying for an end to the suffering and the not knowing if it will ever end. It is the daily grind that is the worst. The minute you have that opportunity for a family, the focus changes dramatically – to symptoms, to finalizing adoption, to buying/researching baby items, planning the next holidays, decorating the nursery . . .and most importantly, there is a likely end in sight. It’s just an immediate change. That’s the way it should be and it immediately makes us different where we once were the same, but those new adventures bring along a whole new set of worries, too (and that’s were the mommy/parenting/adoption boards & blogs come in).

There are still a lot of us here with you! I guess I am okay being the last one over the fence, but God, I need to get over the fence!

I hope you find peace in your break and I hope, most importantly, that your parenting dreams come true!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Just wanted to say, you are awesome and amazing and wonderful and I'm so glad you are in my life. That's all. :-)

Hebrews 11:1 said...

PS--KC, this might sound weird, but you're not in Omaha by chance are you? I wonder if I may have seen you at PPVI a few days ago...

keep calm and carry on... said...


you. nailed. it.

Anonymous said...

Yes, lack of solidarity. It does feel a bit different 'round here lately, doesn't it?

T said...

I am so sorry, TCIE. I wish I could offer words of consolation. All I can say now is that you are not alone and I am praying and hoping for you.

E said...

A-I am SO happy you made the pludge and called CW. She is amaszing. I think we were in treatment with her for about 15 months or so. It was really hard work. I really leanred to humble myself and listen to DH and the same with him. Our spiritual life flourished together. It was nice that we finally had something in common again.

As far as support, the first couple years of our IF (while all my college/HS friends/IRL friends were procreating) I found some support on FertilityFriend then Hannah's Hope. I was also surprised to find some new friends IRL that helped me carry my cross. Then I found the blogs. Like everything, I have found there are different phases.

I hope and pray that CW is able to really help the two of you. It was really hard work for us but the payoff was big. (DH said make sure you do your homework that CW gives you!)

I am praying for you and offering up my suffering for you dear friend.

Anonymous said...

I think the counseling is a great idea - sometimes IF can be really too much and you need an outlet to handle it. I have been considering counseling myself lately - although my situation is very different. As far as i know my body is fertile but my DH is not - and he is being pushed to the edge of unhappiness with treatments - so i know at any moment he can say enough - and that will be it. A path to adoption might not be possible for us either due to some issues DH had in his past. But i know, as much as I dont want it to be, one path that God may have chose for me might not include me having children. I pray that neither of us has to face that path!

More Than Anything said...

I'm new to blogging myself, but I've been reading your blog and others for at least a year, probably longer. It does seem lately that everyone is moving on with adoptions or pregnancies. Which is great, but also sad. I don't wish infertility on anyone (and I'm just scraping the surface of IF), but when everyone is moving on, and I'm stuck, the selfish part of ME wants everyone to stay where I am...even though that is completely and utterly WRONG.

I feel like I started blogging at the wrong time. But then I get an e-mail from someone in a similar situation and realize, maybe I started now for a reason. I hope the the therpist helps. God bless.

doctorgianna said...

I'm so happy you can be honest. And I've been worried about you with all that has been happening recently. This "break" will be good for you and you're right that you will be DOING something. The therapist may help you heal more than any medication will.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

TCIE, you are not alone! I just blogged about the same thing, feeling left behind in this if bloggersphere.. There are still so many of us that are on the same journey as you, and we are here for you! I pray you find peace, and always, always praying for us all to have the family that we want, and that God desires for us.

Shannon said...

I'm blessed that my dearest friend is still waiting for her husband. I don't want her to wait, of course, but doing the waiting and commiserating together is a Godsend. It would be so hard without her. I can understand your pain.

I'm glad you're going to talk to someone. I've done this in the past and it has helped immensely. IMMENSELY.

God will give you the words and I'm confident that your Simons of Cyrene are all around you...

Prayers, honey.