I've finally figured out why these past several months have been particularly difficult for me.
I've lost the solidarity I've often relied upon through the blogs.
I was having an email conversation with another blogger who is still waiting for her miracle, and the thing we both have identified as a major problem for us right now is how very PERSONAL God seems to be making our current struggle. Where we once found consolation and strength in numbers here in blogosphere, now it has become increasingly more and more isolating as we realize we really are the ONLY ones in our exact situations (though still very different from each other's).
As horrible as infertility felt on its worst days, I knew that I had a beautiful, strong sisterhood here that I could always turn to for support, advice, and most importantly, solidarity. When my own infertility didn't make sense, I would see in these women how they turned their crosses into something monumental. It fueled me to continue, and it inspired me to not give up.
But now, even though there are still several women left who have not yet received the answers to their prayers, I am feeling less and less of that solidarity. These very same women that I once felt bonded to in a common cross, now I look upon and only see the "differences" in our journeys.
Here are some examples of how the Devil gets into my head whenever I think of someone still struggling with their cross:
"At least she is Home Study approved."
"Well, she can get a call any day to go and pick up a baby. I can't."
"She's only x months past surgery. I'm over 2 years past surgery."
"She's only been seeing a NaPro Dr for a year. I've been seeing one for almost 4 years."
"She's not even seeing a real NaPro Dr."
"She may have never conceived YET, but she doesn't have the clotting issues and immune diagnoses that I have, which make it scientifically and medically IMPOSSIBLE for me to implant without anticoagulants and steroids."
"She can still get a miracle pregnancy. I never will (for the above reasons)."
I guess it is an important first step recognizing that these thoughts in my head are not from God. Quite the contrary.
Yet it still makes me feel like God has molded things in my life a certain way so that I literally CANNOT relate to anyone anymore. Hence the feeling of abandonment and isolation.
I'm sure at one point or another, everyone has felt this way. We've all had moments when looking at someone else's miracle did NOT give us hope, and may have even caused additional despair, because all we saw were the differences, not the similarities.
I have taken an important first step to spiritual healing. I've contacted a licensed therapist recommended to me by FJIEJ, and me and my hubby will be doing some therapy sessions with her. She herself struggled with infertility for 7 years, and now struggles with secondary infertility.
While we go through these sessions, I am focusing on giving my body a break over the next couple of months. I will be taking herbs and doing more acupuncture (just came from 1 session), and the only daily medications I'll take are Metformin and Naltrexone. I'll also take my prenatal, baby aspirin, Omega 3s, Alpha Lipoic Acid, and Bee Propolis. (I know this sounds like a lot to take while on a break, but trust me, this isn't even 1/4 of what I normally take every day. Also, some of my diagnoses require that I take these things for life, not just while TTC.)
My NaPro Dr recommended that when I'm on a "break" I still take prometrium in the post-Peak phase. I'm not sure if I will or not. Though, it does help me sleep well. We'll see.
I know the majority of you urged me to go forward with another treatment cycle, and I was seriously thisclose to just doing it. But a big deciding factor for me was the therapy sessions. That, for me, will seem like "treatment," and an important part of my treatment at that. I can't feel like I'm doing nothing proactive (not with adoption completely off the table), so the therapy will help me to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING.
I am still searching, seeking, craving joy. I must sound like a broken record, but I want to have a LASTING joy in my life that makes me want to sing God's praises daily, whether or NOT I become a mother.
Sure, the greatest miracle that could happen in my life right now would be God moving one of the GIGANTIC mountains preventing me from becoming pregnant, adopting, or fostering. It would be a miracle SO VERY HUGE that I wouldn't be able to stop singing the glory of God if I tried, for years and years and years to come.
But my goal is to reach that point BEFORE and/or WITHOUT that tangible miracle.
Because, perhaps the miracle will not be my becoming a mother. Perhaps it will be a joy-filled heart, every moment of every day.