2 pregnancy announcements in a row this week on the blogs were followed by 2 miscarriages at work today.
Both were unexpected - one woman had her son with her and wasn't even coming for a pregnancy scan. She was there for a gallbladder study, and asked if we could "sneak a peak" at the baby, which was supposed to be 11.5 weeks.
The quick peek turned into the delivery of the news that her baby was only measuring 9 weeks and had no heartbeat. Very sad.
Then this afternoon a 39 year old woman came in for her first ultrasound with her first pregnancy. She was supposed to be 8 weeks, and had very regular cycles. The baby measured 6 weeks 2 days, and again, no heartbeat.
As if this weren't depressing enough, my husband finally worked up the nerve to go pick up Uzi's (our dog who passed away 3/17) ashes. He brought Cooper, the new puppy, with him. Uzi is now back in our home, in a nice box with a beautiful keepsake clay paw-print with his name on it. It almost looks like something he "made" at school for Mother's Day. It's both endearing and excruciating all at once.
We miss him so badly. It still hurts.
The good news is, we are looking forward to going to Cancun again at the end of June. It is not a definite that DH will be able to go, but come hell or high-water I AM!! It will be so nice to get away, and most importantly, it will be a celebration of the year we have just survived.
Last year, as you may remember, the shit ALLLLLLL hit the fan right upon our return from Cancun. And after that, something absolutely horrible happened just about every month. To go back to Cancun will be like a GIGANTIC breath of fresh air- it has felt like we've been holding our breath this past year just waiting for the next bad thing to occur. What a horrible way to live. Wow, really, it just sunk in, we have been through SO MUCH in 1 year, and infertility was the least of it!
How I survived it, I do not know. Well... I guess I have another month and 1/2 to go, maybe I shouldn't speak so soon.
June '09 - May '10 will go down in history as the worst year ever.
Here's a technique I learned in HypnoFertility to "purge" the bad thoughts. I will now re-hash the year so that we can all visually purge it together, never to look at again!
Here we go:
2 days after return from Cancun- June '09: Find out our 3rd Home Study visit has been cancelled and that our case needs to be reviewed after a mandatory 6 month break.
July '09: SIL seriously considers adopting a "Wiccan" girl's baby, and not only tells DH all about it, but asks him for advice on how to adopt.
August '09: Upon returning from the Barren Wives' Weekend, find out SIL is not-so-much-accidentally pregnant. The remainder of the month is consumed in everyone talking about her out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and subsequent miscarriage (blighted ovum), and asking me for advice about it all.
September '09: Plans to move forward with purchasing the property for our house fail. Plans to expedite the Home Study fail. Forced break after first visit with Dr Kwak-Kim, due to high T3 levels.
October '09: First cycle of Reproductive Immunology treatment fails. NK Cells and cytokines fluctuate.
November '09: Start taking prednisone for NK Cells and cytokines, and get a case of shingles. (No, I wish I were kidding... it's starting to get comical, right? Just wait...)
December '09: Advent and Christmas as a barren whore. Need I say more? Possible endometrioma seen on right ovary.
January '10: After a 6 month hiatus, we re-evaluate our Home Study progress with the Social Worker and the agency Director, Jan 11th. Something else simultaneously happens to ensure we can not proceed. Jan 26th, DH is arrested on a bogus charge, which gives him a criminal record and means that we cannot adopt, possible ever (definately not for several years). Oh yes, and to top everything off, I hyperstimulate on Follistim and develop 8 ovarian cysts with threatened ovarian torsion.
February '10: Look into Foster Care, and discover we can pursue that, but only after the court date has determined where we stand with everything... and that court date has still not been set to this day.
March '10: Just as the shock of the past couple months starts to dissipate, our amazing 9 year old dog Uzi is put to sleep completely suddenly, and without us getting to say goodbye.
April '10: Meltdown. Can you blame me? Efforts continue to fail on the house/property front. (And April '09 I had made it a point to be OUT of this apartment attached to my in-laws by this April.)
May '10: Literally as I'm typing this, DH informs me that his lawyer told him to not pursue any fostering/adoption until the criminal record is expunged. That will be 1.5 years AFTER he is given the pre-trial intervention (PTI). That is, if he gets it. And only God knows if or when that will happen...
So, yeah, June in Cancun will be a much-needed break from the reality of my life this past year.