Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sad Day

2 pregnancy announcements in a row this week on the blogs were followed by 2 miscarriages at work today.

Both were unexpected - one woman had her son with her and wasn't even coming for a pregnancy scan. She was there for a gallbladder study, and asked if we could "sneak a peak" at the baby, which was supposed to be 11.5 weeks.
The quick peek turned into the delivery of the news that her baby was only measuring 9 weeks and had no heartbeat. Very sad.
Then this afternoon a 39 year old woman came in for her first ultrasound with her first pregnancy. She was supposed to be 8 weeks, and had very regular cycles. The baby measured 6 weeks 2 days, and again, no heartbeat.

As if this weren't depressing enough, my husband finally worked up the nerve to go pick up Uzi's (our dog who passed away 3/17) ashes. He brought Cooper, the new puppy, with him. Uzi is now back in our home, in a nice box with a beautiful keepsake clay paw-print with his name on it. It almost looks like something he "made" at school for Mother's Day. It's both endearing and excruciating all at once.

We miss him so badly. It still hurts.

The good news is, we are looking forward to going to Cancun again at the end of June. It is not a definite that DH will be able to go, but come hell or high-water I AM!! It will be so nice to get away, and most importantly, it will be a celebration of the year we have just survived.

Last year, as you may remember, the shit ALLLLLLL hit the fan right upon our return from Cancun. And after that, something absolutely horrible happened just about every month. To go back to Cancun will be like a GIGANTIC breath of fresh air- it has felt like we've been holding our breath this past year just waiting for the next bad thing to occur. What a horrible way to live. Wow, really, it just sunk in, we have been through SO MUCH in 1 year, and infertility was the least of it!

How I survived it, I do not know. Well... I guess I have another month and 1/2 to go, maybe I shouldn't speak so soon.

June '09 - May '10 will go down in history as the worst year ever.

Here's a technique I learned in HypnoFertility to "purge" the bad thoughts. I will now re-hash the year so that we can all visually purge it together, never to look at again!
Here we go:

2 days after return from Cancun- June '09: Find out our 3rd Home Study visit has been cancelled and that our case needs to be reviewed after a mandatory 6 month break.

July '09: SIL seriously considers adopting a "Wiccan" girl's baby, and not only tells DH all about it, but asks him for advice on how to adopt.

August '09: Upon returning from the Barren Wives' Weekend, find out SIL is not-so-much-accidentally pregnant. The remainder of the month is consumed in everyone talking about her out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and subsequent miscarriage (blighted ovum), and asking me for advice about it all.

September '09: Plans to move forward with purchasing the property for our house fail. Plans to expedite the Home Study fail. Forced break after first visit with Dr Kwak-Kim, due to high T3 levels.

October '09: First cycle of Reproductive Immunology treatment fails. NK Cells and cytokines fluctuate.

November '09: Start taking prednisone for NK Cells and cytokines, and get a case of shingles. (No, I wish I were kidding... it's starting to get comical, right? Just wait...)

December '09: Advent and Christmas as a barren whore. Need I say more? Possible endometrioma seen on right ovary.

January '10: After a 6 month hiatus, we re-evaluate our Home Study progress with the Social Worker and the agency Director, Jan 11th. Something else simultaneously happens to ensure we can not proceed. Jan 26th, DH is arrested on a bogus charge, which gives him a criminal record and means that we cannot adopt, possible ever (definately not for several years). Oh yes, and to top everything off, I hyperstimulate on Follistim and develop 8 ovarian cysts with threatened ovarian torsion.

February '10: Look into Foster Care, and discover we can pursue that, but only after the court date has determined where we stand with everything... and that court date has still not been set to this day.

March '10: Just as the shock of the past couple months starts to dissipate, our amazing 9 year old dog Uzi is put to sleep completely suddenly, and without us getting to say goodbye.

April '10: Meltdown. Can you blame me? Efforts continue to fail on the house/property front. (And April '09 I had made it a point to be OUT of this apartment attached to my in-laws by this April.)

May '10: Literally as I'm typing this, DH informs me that his lawyer told him to not pursue any fostering/adoption until the criminal record is expunged. That will be 1.5 years AFTER he is given the pre-trial intervention (PTI). That is, if he gets it. And only God knows if or when that will happen...

So, yeah, June in Cancun will be a much-needed break from the reality of my life this past year.


mrsblondies said...

Oh my. When you write out everything...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that DH has to deal with a bogus charge which has even more completely fouled up the adoption stuff. I wish I could do more for you, but I'm glad that you can share your frustration and sadness (even more understandable after reading about your year). I hope that Cancun gives you the peace you so desperately need. You are one of the people at the very top of my prayer list.

T said...

WOW. What a year you've had. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I had no idea.
It's so unfair that adoption is put on hold because of a bogus charge! I pray everything will be straightened out soon.
And yes, you absolutely deserve this break.
I am praying for you.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

You deserve Cancun!! You deserve so much more than that even! My heart breaks for you and I will pray harder knowing what I know.

prayerfuljourney said...

I need that vacation! Sounds like you had a heck of a year..and that's too bad about the miscarriages...our priest told us last Sunday (I didn't blog about this) that a couple that goes to our church lost their baby at 7 months pregnant. They had to deliver him and they gave him a proper burial. The priest admitted that it was one of the hardest things he had to see. It's stories like that that make me realize I don't have it so bad. Hoping your year gets better...and that cancun vacation sounds like a good start! God Bless.

doctorgianna said...

Why do such bad things happen to good people? What a surviver you are through all of this.

I would love to have you as my ultrasonographer. You totally understand and empathize with patients. St. Gianna is proud of you!

... said...

Worst year ever. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I hope you get to go to Cancun and it will be a start of a better year.

Life In Mazes said...

I agree! YOU NEED A TRIP TO CANCUN!!!!!!! Praying for you and the latest news. God has a miracle just for you two, I know it!

Vent-ilation said...

Holy crap! That year sucked! To see it all out like that. You are amazing -- Cancun sounds like it is MUCH needed! And the margaritas that go with it. :) So many good prayers are going out for you.

Sew said...

I am surprised you survived! Seriously that is one hell of a year!

Anonymous said...

What a horrible, horrible year! You definitely need a Cancun getaway. Hope you get some rest and relaxation, and that the months to come are a lot easier to handle!

Second Chances said...

You have nothing but good things coming your way. Seriously! You got that bad year out of the way and now on to good things :)

If you need someone to go to Cancun with you in case DH can't...I'm just saying...

alliemich said...

Tcie...I had no idea you have been suffering thru all these issues aside from IF. I am terribly sorry for all you problems this year and pray that God will start delivering you from each pain bit by bit. And you are a ultrasonagrapher? bless your sweet strong sensitive unselfish heart! How hard that must be for you while struggling w your own fertility to see so many pregnancies day in day out. I am sure it is frustrating too with young inwed mothers and surprise unplanned pregnancies. You truly are a woman of staunch faith and perseverance.

Chasing said...

Good grief, that is an absurd year. Based on that year, you should get at least 15 years in the future without so much as a speeding ticket!

barbie said...

my dad's favorite saying during bad times is "at least they can't eat us" but that's about all you had going for you this year! I'm so very sorry you had to experience all that, you are so strong! Vacation is certainly called for!

Thankful said...

Geez, what a year. Here's a hug! You'll get a real one from me next week. I remember reading about most of these things, but seeing them in a chronological list... well, it's overwhelming. You definitely need to go to Cancun!!!

Anonymous said...

I have be praying for you all through this terrible year (do I have 0 clout up there or what :) ) - and you have been such an encouragement to me, because of the way you have dealt with so much.

Hang in there for Mexico and something of a fresh start!

[email protected] said...

Oh, TCIE! For you to survive that crappy (understatement) year is a testament to your strength and faith! I continue to pray that this next year is full of grace and peace and joy!!!

Barbie, I love your dad's saying!

E said...

Oh dear. I am so sorry this was such a horrible year! Cancun sounds lovely, and please, have some tequila for me. :) I will be offering up labor suffering for you.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

Sorry you had to go threw so much this past year! :(
I hope you have a great time in Cancun girl, you definatly deserve it!

Sissy said...

Many prayers and hopes that you will be able to sit on a beach, read a book and relax.

JellyBelly said...

You deserve a vacation BIG time (btw, do you have room for a little Asian in your suitcase????).

After reading your post I felt a little overwhelmed at reading how rough your year has been.

Sending you hugs, virtual magaritas and most of all, prayers!!!

Meg @ True, Good and Beautiful said...

Oh TCIE, I can't even imagine living through that year. And like you commented on my post, sometimes all the miracles happening in the blog world just make it a bit harder for the rest of us who don't have babies in our arms or at least on their way into our arms. I'm glad you'll have Cancun and a fresh start.

Maria said...

Happy Mother's Day! Hope you have a wonderful day! I will be praying a special rosary in honor of all Mothers, Mothers to Be, and Women who hope and pray to be Mother's!

May God Bless you and your family!

Maria Therese In Mass :)

the misfit said...

Wow. I'm so sorry about all the legal headache (I don't think you had specified before). That's AWFUL. And I hope your very own house materializes soon. And that these horrible things stop happening to you! And that Cancun is awesome! And that you have a baby!!! This is going to be your year. You're due!