Wow, I did not expect this.
I thought with Easter, I was in a new, refreshed, re-charged place. I thought all the pain of 2010 and of Lent had passed me, only to have made me stronger.
But I have had a complete and total meltdown.
I suppose it started with my 168th BFN. I am having a very, very difficult time accepting the fact that not only is everyone else of normal fertility around me "allowed" to become pregnant, but now it's very nearly every single person I know with infertility, too. Some blessed by adoption. Others with pregnancy. Still others, both. And all the while God continues to pass me over, to bless those who are already blessed.
Yes, I'm a sinner. Yes, I'm suffering jealousy, anger, bitterness, even hatred towards myself and my body, and my husband. (Yes, I've been taking this out on my husband, and we've had a gigantic fight which left me crying myself to sleep and going to church by myself today without my wedding rings.)
I just want to understand why. Why do I feel like I am in hell when supposedly my "Resurrection" was so near? WHY NOT ME??? Am I so much a sinner that You have seen it fit to divinely intervene and sterilize me, as well as make it impossible to become a mother in ANY OTHER MANNER???
Two of my infertility clients are pregnant, one of whom came to me after 2 failed IVFs. She just had her surgery with Dr S. The other has been treated solely by my NaPro Dr (not surgeon). While I am honestly thrilled with this news and how these women will continue to spread the good news of Creighton and NaPro, I must also admit that it is driving me insane. All of the pregnancy announcements on these blogs have likewise made me stop in my tracks and PRAISE the good name of the Lord for answering all of these prayers.
But why am I still here?? Forgotten and abandoned, watching other infertiles grow their families as my life is destroyed before my very eyes?
I cannot get pregnant. I cannot adopt. I cannot foster.
And I shouldn't be concerned about how I'll be in heaven with no children... because the way I have been behaving, I will surely not be there myself.
Deliver me of this, O Lord. On this Divine Mercy Sunday, please show unto me Your Divine Mercy - - have mercy on me, a sinner, and deliver me from this torturous suffering. I cannot survive it any longer.