Some of you have noticed I've been mia. Yup. That's what happens when I'm depressed, I rarely post.
I hate depressing posts. I feel like such a hypocrite when I only have sad and depressing posts full of anguish - I feel like I should re-name the blog "This Cross I Resent."
Speaking of the cross, I am starting to see just how powerful St. Gianna's intercession can be. I may have doubted at one time that she took me up on my offer last year, but now? It's pretty hard to deny when you lay out all the facts. I'm still praying AWFULLY hard for those of you who have yet to be blessed through pregnancy, adoption, or foster care... but I am ready to hand in my cross.
On the 28th, I will be attending the same Feast Day Mass where, last year, I asked St Gianna to allow me to carry the cross for my friends if they could become mothers before me. (Silly me, I thought that translated to, "I'll carry the cross LONGER," but not "I'll carry a HEAVIER cross." Turns out when you add several crosses to your own, it does indeed get heavier.)
I am on CD 2 today, and yesterday before I began to bleed I was on the verge of tears in my NaPro Dr's office. She was doing a pH test of my hoo-ha (which, by the way, was perfect), and asking how I was doing, and I lost it. She recommended I take a break with just the "bare minimum" meds to keep me healthy and sustain any pregnancies. We narrowed it down to Metformin, Naltrexone, and post-Peak prometrium. Although I know that I wouldn't be able to implant OR sustain a pregnancy without all the other things I'm taking, so it's almost silly to take the prometrium. (My NaPro Dr said she's "not convinced" I need all of those things in order to implant. I'm torn.)
But Dr Steg.man feels like my last cycle was so good, I should stick with that protocol for a couple more cycles at least. Yesterday, I was ready to give up. Today, I'm back in the saddle and ready to start injecting myself again tomorrow night.
So onward and forward to another Follistim/Intralipids/Lovenox/prednisone cycle.
Ironically, I will be ovulating around the time of St Gianna's Feast Day.
But I've learned NOT to make any assumptions. Not when it comes to me and my dysfunctional body.
Thanks to everyone for the comments on my meltdown post. I'm trying so hard to not let this destroy me, but knowing that "the end" is in sight is just so scary. 2 more cycles. That's it. And then? Nothing. No adoption. No foster care. Just living without kids.
The thing is, it's not the living without kids that freaks me out the most. It's the living without trying to GET kids. I don't know how to NOT try. It will be interesting.
And, I fear, depressing.