I just wanted to check in and thank everyone for reaching out via comments, emails, prayers, etc. I have truly been lifted in prayer over the past several days, and your prayers have made an almost tangible difference. I am still going to seek out a spiritual advisor and/or therapist (a great one recommended by FJIEJ, whom I had the pleasure of meeting and speaking with briefly at the AAFCP meeting last year), since this is much more than a typical "CD 1" depression. But I do definitely feel all-around better than I did.
Tomorrow DH has an important meeting, which will in essence decide our future chances with adoption and fostercare, so extra prayers would be appreciated. I have a calm feeling about it, like I know that God will take care of us, even if the worst happens. (Or maybe that's just the numbness from the depression I'm feeling... haha.)
Cycle-wise (and this has really been the furthest thing from my mind lately, but since this IS an infertility-blog) I am in the middle of "Sit-Out" Cycle #2. At the end of my first sit-out cycle, I had gone from about 8 gigantic cysts to 1 ginormous cyst. What's kind of weird is that the 1 giant cyst I had left is the one that had the "amnion" inside of it. Obviously, it wasn't actually an amnion, it was a daughter-cyst, but my Dr and I joked that it looked like a little amnion. Great, I got pg, but it's in my follicle! Anyway, when all the other cysts shrunk/dissolved/ruptured and hemorrhaged, this large one actually grew :( It up to 5cm, but the daughter cyst had hemorrhaged, which was kinda cool to see (1 week it was perfectly clear/black fluid-filled, and the next it looked just like an endometrioma, filled completely with debris). But "Big Mama" Cyst reigned supreme. I went to acupuncture to try to shrink it faster, but also decided (with my Dr) to discontinue the prometrium and let my body try to sort this all out on its own.
My Dr also advised me to get another ultrasound if I do get peak-type mucus, just to see if I may actually still ovulate even with that cyst still there. I don't really care if I do or don't, as already mentioned, trying to conceive is the furthest thing from my mind right now.
But since I am mid-cycle now (I think day 10? I haven't actually charted in a while, for 2 reasons- a) don't care, and b) had tons of TEBB again without Lovenox and didn't care to color in all that RED on my chart again (I ran out of red stamps and just use a red pen now)), I think I should start preparing for my next treatment cycle because a lot of things will have to be planned ahead.
Here's what I'll plan on doing next cycle (2-3 weeks from now):
Doxycyclene- strong doses for both DH and I on days 1-10
Follistim 50 ius to 100 ius, monitored DAILY with u/s and frequent b/w
hCG trigger shot
Intralipid infusion before ovulation
Doppler Biophysical Uterine Profile done locally with my U/S Clinic with instructions from Dr Kwak's office (I've never done this locally before, but my clinic is willing to give it a shot, since they have the necessary equipment)
and of course my normal Reproductive Immunology treatments, tweaked slightly:
Lovenox 60 mgs 1 x day (possibly re-adjusted pending results of Biophysical)
Prednisone 15 mgs starting 48 hrs after ovulation
Progesterone support post-Peak (200 mgs prometrium, 100 mgs Endometrin)
and then my daily NaPro regimen:
T3 7.5 mcgs BID
Naltrexone 4.5 mgs
Metformin 1500 mgs
mucus enhancers (Amoxicillin, B6, Mucinex, FertileCM... and yes, I usually use all of the above)
and a crapload of vitamins and supplements recommended by NaPro Drs, Dr Kwak-Kim, and the acupuntuncturist, including D3, Calcium, Vit E, Propolis, Alpha Lipoic Acid, baby aspirin, Omega 3s, cod liver oil, probiotic, and DHEA.
Finally, which I just started 2 weeks ago, a gluten-free diet. I could not go gluten AND dairy free, so right now I'm just limiting dairy, but I am proud to say I have been really, really good with the gluten avoidance! I am still also avoiding everything that was in the "red" zone on my LEAP testing (mushrooms, yogurt, saccharin, paprika, and rice) but I am having stuff in the "yellow" zone because the GF diet would be brutal otherwise. (It still is pretty brutal. You have to remember, I was raised in a very Italian household... I thought I was going to die the first few days with no pasta, bread, pizza, etc.) And leave it to me to start this diet during LENT when I have to fast from meat on Fridays... which leaves very little to eat! But I'm making do. I've discovered I like sashimi just as much as sushi, so this is good :) (And yes, for you GF-pros out there, I realize many soy sauces have gluten in it. How weird is that??! I did find an organic GF brand, though.)
So that's my fertility update. I'm very blah about it, I think I've already resigned to the fact that I can never get pregnant, but for future peace of mind I just need to "go through the motions" for the next 3 months or so.