I had another truly bad day today. Just emotionally; nothing "happened" (thank God), but I was just not doing well. With the wonderful outreach of friends (many of whom I've never even met in real life), I was able to start taking one day at a time again, and things were slowly looking up. But today it seems like I've slid back down.
I remember not so long ago when I would read blogs of people who were always depressed, and I would try to steer clear of them. I do not want to become one of those blogs! That has never been the purpose of this blog, and more importantly, that is not the purpose of my suffering. My suffering should not be solely a means to depress the ever-living crap out of me. I'm better than that. I know I am. I can rise above this. I have to.
I have begun reading "He and I" by Gabrielle Bossis, which a dear friend sent to me in my darkest hour. So far (and I'm only on the 3rd page), it is really speaking to me. I can only hope this is the inspiration I need to get out of this funk and back to the woman I have always been. I don't handle this "depressed" stuff well.
I also want to publicly thank Leila, who sent me an email that I needed to read exactly at that moment. In response to my fears about embarking on Foster Care if it wasn't truly the path meant for me, she reminded me that God gave us free will- and as long as what we are choosing is good and holy, He will be pleased in any path we choose. I had worked myself up so much, believing that if Foster Care was not the path for us, God would once again "close that door," which apparently others agreed with, too. But where would that leave me, with every other door closed?
I'm beginning to believe that our "calling" to Foster Care was in fact the struggles we've recently been dealt. I believe God knew that this was the only way I would research Foster Care, and consider it an option. And the more I pray about it, the more it makes sense that moreso than any other route to parenthood, Foster Care is NOT ABOUT US. My feelings that my pursuing Foster Care would somehow take away from the fact that others have received a clear calling to it were silly, therefore, because there are so many children in the system who need stable living environments. Unlike adoption, the ratio is definately more kids than parents. Where once I didn't believe I'd be strong enough to love and nurture a child like my own only to give them back to their biological parents... now, after everything we've been through, I know that I can survive even that which seemed impossible to me in the past.
I've been feeling very guilty about my lack of commitment to Lent this year, and to my Prayer Buddy, due to this depression. From here on out, I vow to make the sacrifice NOT to concentrate on my sadness but to work towards rebuilding hope - and this will be a sacrifice I make for my Prayer Buddy. (Because, let's face it, it is SO much easier to lose oneself in depression and just give up than it is to remain hopeful.)