Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Heart Aches

I miss my Uzi so very much. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

As I said to DH, unlike all the other CRAP that's been happening to us lately, this was the first time I truly went haywire and actually began screaming, "No, No, NO!" I just refused, flat-out REFUSED to accept that this had happened. Whereas with everything else, while it definitely stunk, we were able to accept that we could not do anything about it.

I began to wonder if, this loss which was even harder for me to accept than my Grandmother's last January, was meant to happen for some reason. There are a couple of thoughts I had about this. First, while my heart was aching so badly I felt pain in my chest, I thought, "Is this was a miscarriage feels like??" Perhaps that was God's way of preparing me either for a miscarriage, or for not ever conceiving. The reason I think it could be a way to prepare me for never conceiving is because yesterday I texted DH "Thank you for the gift of Uzi. He was the light of my life and the smile of my heart. I owe it all to you, and I could wish for no better father for my 1st born son. Thank you for the greatest gift I've ever known. I don't even need children in heaven if I can be re-united with Schmooze" (our nickname for Uzi... he had many).

The funny thing is, I actually meant it. Here I've been whining about how am I to look forward to heaven if I will never have children in this world to be reunited with in heaven. But the thought of seeing Uzi again... well, it just brings such joy and love to my soul.

One thing I've been reminded of lately is my prayer to St. Gianna last year on her Feast Day. With All You Who Hope and her husband kneeling beside me at Mass, I fervently offered to continue carrying the cross for my friends if they would be able to become mothers soon. Oh, what did I know!! Here I was thinking, ok I'll just keep on keeping on the way I have been... but in order to relieve others of their suffering you actually need to DO the labor! (Imagine Simon of Cyrene "signing up" to help Jesus carry His cross, and then never showing up to actually do it. That's how I almost tried to get away with it!!)

But St. Gianna... wow, is her intercession powerful! I am more convinced now than ever that she took my petition straight to Jesus and He accepted. In many ways, I am so so very happy to know that the suffering we are going through may mean one of my friends is not suffering. But the very human part of me still likes to moan and whine about it, and I've been trying to offer that up during Lent.

One of the most convincing aspects of St. Gianna's working in my life is that Sew Infertile was my Prayer Buddy during Advent, and she (ever-so-naively!!!) offered to help me carry this cross so it was not all on my shoulders.

And since that selfless prayer of hers? She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, the DAY AFTER the "Thing" that happened to us in January. Her due date for her dear, sweet Hannah Grace? The DAY AFTER Uzi died. I consider her to be one of my best friends ever since we "met" on these blogs, and I am forever grateful that God brought her into my life to be able to share these intense moments of great suffering with each other.

I begin my Follistim this evening. Yes, I am somehow willingly giving myself this injection that caused me to form 8+ ovarian cysts and forced me to sit out two cycles. But I am on a much lower dose (50ius) and will be monitored closer. I need to continue "cycling" with SIRM in order to get my Intralipids from them. Which, by the way, no one has :( Free.dom Pharmacy has not had it since January, and I called around to all other fertility pharmacies - most had never heard of it, but finally Metro Drugs had it. I don't know how much it will be... but I am due for my infusion next Friday.

If anyone has any advice on when to do the Intralipids (or IVIg if you did that instead) during a non-IVF cycle, I would TRULY appreciate it. I think I took it too close to ovulation last time, because it caused a flare up in the cytokine test I took the following day (TH1:TH2), and I think may have disrupted the ovulation process, because I've never had an LUF before. I've heard that some people get the infusion on CD 6 of an IVF cycle. The SIRM Dr told me it's optimal to do it about 5 days before implantation... which sort of confuses me. He said you don't want to do it too far in advance of implantation because then it loses its main effect, which makes sense. But then why say 1-2 days before trigger is the best time? No one implants that quickly!! Plus, why do it on CD 6 of an IVF cycle, then?

I'm so confused. Any advice is welcome! C'mon, IL and IVIg lurkers out there. When did you do your 1st infusion? (I'm set up for CD 9 now, and suspect I will ovulate early again, possibly CD 11-13 or even earlier.)

Ay ay ay. Trust me, this was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to start up again with the day after my sweet dog died :( When I got my period that morning, I was like, "Are you freaking kidding me??"

I will leave you with some more pictures of perfect, handsome Uzi:

(We like to picture him just like this in paradise right now :) )


Shannon said...

Oh, love... I'm just so sorry for all of this you're going through.
I really am. You've just been through too much.

Honestly, your soul absolutely inspires me. You are Saint quality. I mean it.

Just know I'm praying for you. You're such a dear.

Chasing said...

MY heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.

Cathy said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet doggie. It hurts, it aches, and there's a space in your heart that will never be filled. I still miss my Jakey, and he's been gone a year.
But it does get easier. It really does.

Time will heal this wound.

You're in my prayers.


... said...

I hate this for you, A. I’m serious, I cried for 2 weeks when my dog died and to this day (3 years later) have not gotten another one because the pain is too fresh. My DH will show me a pic of a shelter dog and I just have to say "not ready yet."

Big hugs for you and big prayers for your upcoming cycle. I hope someone has advice on the meds.

KC said...

Oh Sweetie! I seriously cannot believe that you are having to suffer yet another heartbreaking loss. Uzi sounds like he was the true definition of Man's best friend. I can definitely relate to one of my dogs too. While I love them both immensely, one of them is so much more loving and is always by our side. My heart is going to literally break in two when we lose either one of them.

I just wonder how much more your poor little heart must bare before something good happens. But I have to believe that something will. I am praying for you ok! Big hugs to you.

prayerfuljourney said...

I don't have any advice to give on the infusion stuff...I just give you a lot of credit for going through all of this and you seem to do it well. If it were me..I'd be a mess with anxiety and worry. You are getting the strength from somewhere. I know there's more my dh and I could be doing but we just got "spent" and felt we had to stop.

I think what you texted your dh was sweet. I know my dh is happy with my choice for our pet too. My dh never had a pet so this cat we have is very special to him. Pets can make a lot of difference in our lives. Sounds like Uzi was a really special dog and you have many dear memories of him. God Bless.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I don't know anything about infusions - sorry, I hope someone jumps in on that. I am so very sorry for your loss of Uzi, may your heart be consoled in this time of grieving.

Life In Mazes said...

oh, hon! I had the same reaction when we lost our cat, Angel. She died after my grandmother and it was harder to handle than my grandmothers' death! I beleived that it was because I spent every day with Angel. I was her "momma" and nursed when she was too young to eat on her own! I did not get to see my grandma everyday, so it was different and we were able to sing my grandma to heaven and be with her for her last breath, not so with Angel.
Praying for you!!

Sew said...

I'm so sorry. Those pictures are to die for of him! He was so cute with so much personality!

I told allie the other day when we hung out that if you were a man I would marry you! ;)

alliemich said...

As an AVID pet lover, I cannot hardly think of anything to say to you right now. I am so so terribly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you both must be going through, and I will pray for you to have some comfort this week as your struggle to accept this terribly loss. God will be with you both and Uzi is probably in Heaven right now playing fetch with our Lord!!! :)

Second Chances said...

I'm so sad for you. I just posted a comment on JBTC's post and the word verification was "unizey". Not quite Uzi but made me think of you and said a prayer for you. Hang in there...

Praying for Hope said...

Even though it takes awhile, the loss of a pet does get easier, but in my experience, you never forget them. I still get misty eyed when I think of my Harry-boy who died in 2006. Which leads me to think of Snowball, Miter, Schitz, Dreel, Frodo, Charcoal, Misty, Domino, Wilcox, Patches, Bay, Castor, Cairo, Bagheera, Kahn, Jinx, and Felix (I've had alot of cats over the years). They'll always be our babies.

Those are wonderful pictures of your boy. I love looking at them. He has such a smiley face.

WheelbarrowRider said...

Uzi's smile is affecting everyone on here-he is so contagious! I hope you get an answer to your question-if not here, maybe the boards?! I am sorry I am no help!

the misfit said...

I can't believe you're shooting from the hip with all these drugs - can you really be the first non-IVF patient to take them??? You really do know more than the doctors!

I'm sorry you're suffering so with the loss of Uzi. It does seem to me that your cross has gotten heavier (rather than keeping on the same) since your promise. Heaven protect me from making ambitious spiritual promises! I am learning to offer up my childlessness, but it just gets longer; no worse. I don't have your courage.

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

misfit, I remember you praying for me specifically after I made that offer to St Gianna... and I thought, "Oh how sweet, but why does she think it will be so hard??"

Hahaha, I was so stupid!