On Saturday evening, DH and I went to an "Indoor Summer BBQ" party at our friends' house. Every single couple there had, and brought, their children. Every single couple except us, that is.
One of the couples in attendance was my guy friend who used to sing in our a cappella group. That is, he used to sing in our a cappella group until he quit because he and his wife were going through a lot. They had suffered two miscarriages since they got married in Nov. '07. It was then May '08.
Three months after he left the group, they were pregnant again, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl last May. She is now 10 months old.
When they had their 2nd miscarriage in marriage (it was their 3rd total, she actually had gotten pregnant on contraception while they were engaged and lost that pregnancy, as well - when I heard of this loss shortly afterwards, I said "Oh I'm so sorry," to which she responded, "Oh it's ok, it's not like we were trying or anything.") I tried to lend them support both personally and professionally. I gave my friend some NaPro brochures, and shared with him what I had been through.
I truly felt horrible for their losses... miscarriage is something no one should ever have to go through, and when it happens more than once that just seems so cruel.
So, my friend's wife sat down next to me at the party on Saturday, and proceeded to tell me all about her daughter. What she eats, how she dances in her carseat, how she sleeps through the night, etc. etc. I truly didn't mind this. If I did, I would have stood up and walked away. I had had 3 margaritas. Trust me, I would have had NO problems being rude :)
It wasn't talking about her baby that was upsetting. Nope. I love babies. Obviously.
What I DON'T love is when the struggle I am going through is undermined. I'm not even sure that's the right word. But I can't think of a better one. Trivialized, maybe?
My friend's wife (who is a couple months younger than me, by the way) then began to give me Trying To Conceive ADVICE! "Have you tried whole milk products?" "You should find a holistic chiropractor." "I did acupuncture, are you doing that?" At one point she even said, "I literally did EVERYTHING for this last pregnancy, I pulled out all the stops." A comment to which I just smiled and inwardly thought to myself, "What do you think she'd say if I mentioned all the stuff I'm doing and STILL haven't been able to conceive??"
I just couldn't believe she actually thought she had something to offer me. She was NOT INFERTILE!! She never went more than 1 year, or 6 months, heck even 3 months between pregnancies. She got pregnant on contraception, for crying out loud! If only I were so lucky!
I realize I tread sensitive ground here, and I once wrote a post all about the way I viewed the differences between Infertility vs. Miscarriage, that I invite you all to read again. Where it gets sticky is when the worlds collide, and a woman (only the kind of woman God views as most able, in my opinion) is asked to endure both infertility AND miscarriage. I don't know how you gals do it.
Getting back to my friend's wife. Once she gave me all her "advice," and all of the stuff she did to get pregnant with her daughter (seriously, like 3 things), she concluded with, "And once I got pregnant with her that way, the entire pregnancy went over without a hitch. No problems AT ALL!"
Oh, how I wanted to look her in the eye and say, "Listen, Missy. Even if I were ever to get to the FIRST step of sperm fertilizing egg, I would have 9 months of shots in the butt, in the belly, IVs, infusions of saline-infused FAT, steroids, $90 prenatal vitamins, and every other pill under the sun to have even a chance of sustaining the pregnancy to term."
Gee, writing it all out like that really makes me wish we weren't Adoption-Infertile :(
While we all share a desire for a child, I think there is a big distinction to be made between trying to conceive for over a year with NO prior pregnancies, and trying to sustain a pregnancy. My previous post addresses these major differences.
To add to that distinction medically-speaking, I see how the difference is addressed in the NaPro research study that I am assisting my NaPro Dr with, along with another prominent NaPro research-only Dr. (I don't want to mention the name of the study because I don't want a google search to yield my blog post.) In any event, the research analyzes the success of NaPro for achieving pregnancy in those with infertility, and in sustaining a pregnancy for those with previous miscarriage or at risk for miscarriage. Couples are either enrolled in ONE or THE OTHER portion of the study, and it all depends on how they "present" at the time of their first appointment with the Dr. If they have a health history that would put them at risk for miscarriage but have not yet been trying for a year, they are only enrolled in the study once they achieve a pregnancy. If they have never achieved a pregnancy, and have been trying longer than a year, they are enrolled in the infertility portion. All infertility patients are automatically transferred over into the "sustaining pregnancy" portion once a pregnancy is achieved, because all infertility clients are treated as "at-risk" once/if pregnancy occurs.
You would think that after being a NaPro patient myself for 3 1/2 years, I would be in the study, right? WRONG! The reason? Because I did not PRESENT as an Infertility Patient at my first appointment. I got married in August '06. We went for our first appointment with NaPro in November '06. 3 months of trying-to-conceive does not an infertile make :) Of course, I had other MEDICAL issues that needed to be addressed: anovulation, PCOS, irregular bleeding, etc. Infertility is a symptom, NOT a disease or a diagnosis. If I had been trying to conceive as a teenager, I assure you I would have been infertile back then, too. But I wasn't, because I wasn't trying to conceive. Rather, I had PCOS, endometriosis, and infection issues as a teenager that went undiagnosed until I was 19, 26, and 27 respectively.
The reason I delve into all this detail is to illustrate my level of frustration with my friend's wife, and how her comments really did upset and trivialize my situation. As I put it to Thankful, it would be like speaking to someone who has a malignant brain tumor, and saying, "Oh I know just how you feel, I had a headache once. I took an aspirin and then I felt FINE! Have you tried that?"