Early next week we should have a final answer on the adoption front.
We're thinking good thoughts. This has to work, it just has to. We are not opposed to working with another agency, going with a lawyer/private adoption, or looking into international/foster care/etc... but we would need to start all over from scratch, and also not be as, a-hem, informative as we were with this Home Study.
Did I ever tell you guys how we came to choose our adoption agency? It seemed like such a sign from God. Which is why it confuses me to no end why this is all happening.
Last Jan 22nd I went on my first March for Life in DC. It was a couple of days after my Grandmother's funeral. DH and I were also preparing to begin our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese, and our first meeting was to be held the following month. The Family Life Office said they would advertise for us in the Diocesan paper... so on the bus to the March, they handed out the Diocesan newspaper and I immediately went looking to see if the ad was already in.
It was! It was nice and big, with a picture of a couple from the back, the woman's head leaning on the man's shoulder, and they were holding hands. The title was "Suffering Silently?"
I had been nudging DH to start adoption pretty much immediately when we hit our 2 Year Anniversary (most places I had researched required 2 Years of marriage). He wasn't ready yet. He thought it would be "giving up" on trying to conceive.
But I couldn't ignore this sign: right next to my ad for the Support Group was an ad almost the same size, for our Adoption Agency. It is not Catholic, but it is Christian. I sent away for the preliminary application immediately (that night when I got home)!
Then I went to Eucharistic Adoration to help with discernment over this matter. I asked God to please help us know what He wanted us to do, and if this were the right path for us to take at this time, to give us a sign.
This was on a Friday evening, I believe.
The next morning with the mail arrived our agency's letter and the preliminary application. The letter was absolutely beautiful, and it expressed how they were a pro-life agency who valued each and every living human being.
DH read it and I literally WATCHED as his heart opened to adoption. It was a memory I will keep with me always.
And so we began. Late January 2009. We were told the Home Study normally takes 3-4 months. We began the Home Study in February 2009...
I do not write this in anger, or even frustration at this point. I have made my peace with the fact that we had this hiccup in our adoption. And we may get another one. But I do remain confused. I just don't see God's hand in our adoption plan, and it baffles me... I can see so clearly (from the outside, of course) how people are lead away from fertility treatments because God intends them to adopt, or even having them lead away from adoption because they are about to conceive. But why lead a couple to adoption only to turn them away from it (and obviously, no conceiving has taken place in the 12 months we've been waiting to get approved)?
It really makes no sense to me. But I suppose, just as in all good things that come from God, one day it will all make perfect sense. I suppose.
I am also waiting to start testing at 10dpo (P+10). How nerve-wracking! I do know that the trigger is out of my system as of this morning (8dpo and 10 days past trigger), so if I get a positive (HA!) it will be a real one. Dr Kwak-Kim wants me to start testing at 10dpo because implantation failure is a major player in this, so the sooner we catch implantation, the better.
In the meantime, I got my labs back from when I flew out to Chicago last week. She called and had me run another APTT (clotting time) test immediately, since mine was out of range (clotting way too slowly, apparently), after stopping my Lovenox for 24 hrs. I didn't get the results until the next morning, so it was actually 48 hrs I stopped the Lovenox, which scares me to death... the range was back to normal, so now she has me on Lovenox 60 mgs only ONCE per day. This, I must admit, also scares me, but I am going ahead and trusting her expertise.
My cytokines (T-Helper cells, which are an inflammatory immune response in our body) were elevated for the 1st time since I've been having them checked, and so she had me up my dose of Prednisone to 10 mgs 2 x day. I think the Intralipids help with the TH1 cells, too, so hopefully I'm covered between the two. I asked the nurses why all of a sudden my cytokines were up, and she said they fluctuate constantly, particularly throughout pregnancy, so Dr Kwak monitors it frequently. (Same as with NK cells, which were, interestingly enough, much decreased from the last 2 times I checked. They went back down to 9.4, but then again I was pre-Peak and maybe they flare more post-Peak.)
My thyroid levels were normal, but for some reason Dr Kwak wanted me to check those again, too. I'll have the repeat results tomorrow.
And you may be wondering about when I start to test. My first hpt will be 10dpo as previously mentioned... which happens to be the 1 Year Anniversary of my Grandmother's passing. She, as you may remember, promised to pray for us and our babies from heaven. We will be having a memorial Mass for her that day, too.
I'll keep you posted.