Friday, January 15, 2010

Still Waiting... from both angles

Early next week we should have a final answer on the adoption front.

We're thinking good thoughts. This has to work, it just has to. We are not opposed to working with another agency, going with a lawyer/private adoption, or looking into international/foster care/etc... but we would need to start all over from scratch, and also not be as, a-hem, informative as we were with this Home Study.

Did I ever tell you guys how we came to choose our adoption agency? It seemed like such a sign from God. Which is why it confuses me to no end why this is all happening.

Last Jan 22nd I went on my first March for Life in DC. It was a couple of days after my Grandmother's funeral. DH and I were also preparing to begin our Infertility Support Group in the Diocese, and our first meeting was to be held the following month. The Family Life Office said they would advertise for us in the Diocesan paper... so on the bus to the March, they handed out the Diocesan newspaper and I immediately went looking to see if the ad was already in.
It was! It was nice and big, with a picture of a couple from the back, the woman's head leaning on the man's shoulder, and they were holding hands. The title was "Suffering Silently?"

I had been nudging DH to start adoption pretty much immediately when we hit our 2 Year Anniversary (most places I had researched required 2 Years of marriage). He wasn't ready yet. He thought it would be "giving up" on trying to conceive.

But I couldn't ignore this sign: right next to my ad for the Support Group was an ad almost the same size, for our Adoption Agency. It is not Catholic, but it is Christian. I sent away for the preliminary application immediately (that night when I got home)!

Then I went to Eucharistic Adoration to help with discernment over this matter. I asked God to please help us know what He wanted us to do, and if this were the right path for us to take at this time, to give us a sign.
This was on a Friday evening, I believe.
The next morning with the mail arrived our agency's letter and the preliminary application. The letter was absolutely beautiful, and it expressed how they were a pro-life agency who valued each and every living human being.

DH read it and I literally WATCHED as his heart opened to adoption. It was a memory I will keep with me always.

And so we began. Late January 2009. We were told the Home Study normally takes 3-4 months. We began the Home Study in February 2009...

I do not write this in anger, or even frustration at this point. I have made my peace with the fact that we had this hiccup in our adoption. And we may get another one. But I do remain confused. I just don't see God's hand in our adoption plan, and it baffles me... I can see so clearly (from the outside, of course) how people are lead away from fertility treatments because God intends them to adopt, or even having them lead away from adoption because they are about to conceive. But why lead a couple to adoption only to turn them away from it (and obviously, no conceiving has taken place in the 12 months we've been waiting to get approved)?

It really makes no sense to me. But I suppose, just as in all good things that come from God, one day it will all make perfect sense. I suppose.

I am also waiting to start testing at 10dpo (P+10). How nerve-wracking! I do know that the trigger is out of my system as of this morning (8dpo and 10 days past trigger), so if I get a positive (HA!) it will be a real one. Dr Kwak-Kim wants me to start testing at 10dpo because implantation failure is a major player in this, so the sooner we catch implantation, the better.

In the meantime, I got my labs back from when I flew out to Chicago last week. She called and had me run another APTT (clotting time) test immediately, since mine was out of range (clotting way too slowly, apparently), after stopping my Lovenox for 24 hrs. I didn't get the results until the next morning, so it was actually 48 hrs I stopped the Lovenox, which scares me to death... the range was back to normal, so now she has me on Lovenox 60 mgs only ONCE per day. This, I must admit, also scares me, but I am going ahead and trusting her expertise.

My cytokines (T-Helper cells, which are an inflammatory immune response in our body) were elevated for the 1st time since I've been having them checked, and so she had me up my dose of Prednisone to 10 mgs 2 x day. I think the Intralipids help with the TH1 cells, too, so hopefully I'm covered between the two. I asked the nurses why all of a sudden my cytokines were up, and she said they fluctuate constantly, particularly throughout pregnancy, so Dr Kwak monitors it frequently. (Same as with NK cells, which were, interestingly enough, much decreased from the last 2 times I checked. They went back down to 9.4, but then again I was pre-Peak and maybe they flare more post-Peak.)

My thyroid levels were normal, but for some reason Dr Kwak wanted me to check those again, too. I'll have the repeat results tomorrow.

And you may be wondering about when I start to test. My first hpt will be 10dpo as previously mentioned... which happens to be the 1 Year Anniversary of my Grandmother's passing. She, as you may remember, promised to pray for us and our babies from heaven. We will be having a memorial Mass for her that day, too.

I'll keep you posted.


Chasing said...

Praying for you guys!

mrsblondies said...

I'm praying for you, and I'm sorry that honesty and openness during your home study ended up causing so many issues.

The story of how your DH became open to adoption is beautiful.

I do have one thought regarding the waiting time. Would you have seen Dr. K-K if you had been approved and in the middle of the adoption process?

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

I've thought about that myself, Blondies... and often wondered if I became pg, would it have been because I forged forward into immune treatments when I really wouldn't have done that if I was HS approved and "waiting."
But... 6 months after 1st seeing her, I'm still here, still IF. I know I would owe any pg to the immune protocol... but I could have been lead there in many ways (without first having been lead to adopt and then getting denied), kwim?? It's just baffling as to why He called us so strongly to adopt at all.

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

(I should say, I would owe any pg to GOD first and foremost, because without Him, no soul is created!!! Of course!!!)

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Hi TCIE! I was visited the Basillica of Our Lady of Guadalupe today in Mexico City (I was there for work) and as I was praying front of the tilma (with the image on it) I started crying as I was praying for my husband and I and all my infertile friends - IRL and in blogland and our desire to be blessed with children - naturally or via adoption - and asked for Our Lady's intercession. She is the patronness of the unborn and all! I will continue to be praying for you and your DH! God Bless!

WheelbarrowRider said...

I ended my novena for you today, and I think yours ends in 1 or 2 days-is that right? I am wondering if this is the same grandmother that you received the St. Raphael oil from? I agree it is all very interesting, and I am on pins and needles to hear how it all comes together, should we be so blessed to see the big picture in this life. I am glad you trust in His plan and desire to do His will above all things. I know that will bring you peace should the outcome of either this month not make sense immediately. Praying for you.

JellyBelly said...

Holy cow! You must really be on pins and needles!

Btw, sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth while we were having our text convo! I fell right dead asleep! I woke up all confused two hours later (which is why I'm up so late!) and then I checked my phone and saw your last text. Friday nights are definitely not party nights anymore!!!

... said...

I'm really hoping you get some great news soon. I would be confused, too. I know it is all in His time and it will all be worth it, but sometimes it is just hard trying to make sense of it all. Prayers.

the misfit said...

Wow - some big stuff coming up! I'll be praying for you.

Bonnie said...

Waiting with you. I am interested in what they say about your implantation and ptt. I am leaning onaybe seeing dr Kwak over my spring break

Mrs. Mike said...


I am seriously praying for you and hoping that this all works out for the best...and in your favor. But one thing came to mind...perhaps the whole point of signing up with this first agency--regardless of what happens with their decision--was to open your DH's heart to adoption. Reading how his heart just melted reading the letter warmed my heart. If that's what it takes...ya know?

Anyhow...continued prayers for this to work out.