I am struggling tonight. I think it's my mind's way of preparing my heart for failure. Failure of the cycle, failure of immune treatments in general, and failure of adoption.
I wouldn't classify it as depression. But I am overwhelmingly just SAD. The littlest thing brings me to tears. I also had a rough morning, with the Infertility Support Group meeting. It was a good meeting, just very draining. And it left me wondering if what I'm doing (or trying to do) with this cross is actually making any difference at all.
I am honestly dreading testing. I wish I didn't have to. It's unlikely that I would even get a positive at 10dpo, anyway, and I just don't feel like starting out my day with a BFN and then going to celebrate Mass for my grandmother whom I miss so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been a year.
In all of this sadness, I do feel God. I know He hurts with me, and for me. I feel His presence, which I haven't always felt in my despair through the years. It is comforting to know He has a plan for me. I fully trust in that. I guess it's my lack of current understanding for the situation we are in right now that is reaping in the tears. But just thinking that one day I may be given insight into His divine will gives me hope.
Lord, please use my sadness. Accept it as my offering for someone else's peace of heart. Someone who is truly in despair. Someone who has nowhere to turn, and does not feel Your presence. At least then I'll feel useful.